A Pursual of the Mind

I was having a conversation with a friend and he seemed astonished that he was actually dating someone. Kinda like a Holy fuck-me-sideways Batman instant. I don't know why. He's an amazing person. But this is really not the point of this post. The point of this post is for me to bitch on about my so-called romantic/love life. That is if I can be considered to have one.

It isn't for lack of offers that I am single. Especially in the last year. I just don't get it. I went from having No-one and his reject of a dog, Piss Off, being the only people that wanna date me to actually having real, not made up people ask me out. It was kind of an exciting year for me. But I just don't get it. I don't know where it came from. I was so used to what was normal that the change was almost not welcomed with open arms. Wait... scratch that. It wasn't met with opened arms. I welcomed that particular change the same way that I meet every change. I balked at the opportunities presented, turned tail and went to find the nearest hiding place to stand and scream at said changes! "You will not change me!!" (I don't do so well with the change.)

So here I sit at Christmas time again, and I am single again. Not for lack of offers this time, but because I managed to convince myself that a relationship will be more work than I am able to commit to one person. I tell myself that I do not have time to create a solid basis that forms the beginning of a relationship. I mean I have school and friends. What do I, Bobbi, need a man for? Why do I need a boyfriend to feel like life is complete?

I don't...

I don't think I do anyways.

Maybe.

Whatever it is... It would be nice to be included in the game sometimes. Maybe it's time to stop standing in the corner covering my ears and screaming. It's not really getting me anywhere anyways. All I get is a horse voice and someone who know thinks I'm a bone-ified wack job instead of that hottie I was five seconds ago. Hmm...

But what would the benefit be? I maybe get a to experience the wonderful funtimes joy of having a boyfriend! *squee* Joyous! (Umm... that wasn't at all sarcastic... not at all. I mean... yah.) Along with that I have to expose myself to a whole new person, make myself vulnerable and all that jazz. I don't do vulnerable. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, thought about the therapy.

It's not as if there aren't good things about being involved in a relationship. It's just that I don't really remember them, or really have had the benefit of experiencing them. My relationship have all been pathetically short. My longest relationship was a whopping two months in grade 11 with a juvenile delinquent, the next sitting pretty at a month and there we stand. I just don't do relationships, though I'm getting really good at this fling thing. I kinda like the fling. I get to have some quality funtimes between the sheets and then get ride of the person when I tire of them. (Yes, I'm a user. Didn't see that coming did you?) And I do, tire of them. It's like no one has the ability to hold my interest for long, minus one or two people in the past. Even the people that I crush on switch at an alarming rate. Thought right now I couldn't pick someone that I could be crushing on if I tried, which is weird. I have had a crush on someone or other since I was in grade 6.

My first crush was on this guy named Brad Banyard. We took taekwondo classes together. I'm sure that my crush on him started earlier then I remember. I crush on him hard for awhile, a long old while. I was Mrs. Bobbie Jean Banyard in my head. It was a full on super crush. You know the fun part... he was crushing right back. Apparently our parents had a field day watching us be all cute and innocent and full of angst. My mom and Terry (his dad) figured that they would be in-laws. Such is life in small towns. But it was not to be. Brad moved to Red Deer sometime during my grade 8/9 years and I found a new crush. I don't remember for sure who it was but I'm almost positive it was an older brother of a good friend of mine. I still have a mini-crush on him. I always will. I mean really... he was like a taller (not my much) Seth Green with dark hair.

That was my first crush where I really knew what I wanted, what that funny feeling meant. In fact I was still kinda crushing him when I started dating my first boyfriend. I remember thinking when he kissed that I wished it was my crush, Adam, b/c then I would finally get to feel what his lip ring would be like against my own lips. He had a great lip ring, actually I think it was a horse-shoe, and it had a blood red jewel in it. Either way it was incredibly hot and my boyfriend at the time was incredibly not all pierced. I was 16. Needless to say that relationship lasted less than two weeks and it was a good thing. Sean wasn't a bad guy, but he just wasn't attractive to me, and he was and is a good looking person. He's just a little too straight-laced for my tastes. Around the same time I started crushing on another older brother... and another Banyard. Apparently those Banyard boys were my style. Dan. There was also Darren... and my second boyfriend. I also still crush on him a bit for completely other reasons.

Scott was good to me. By him I was already aware of the fact that I was more than a little of a sexual person. Apparently high school girls are supposed to hold out, and more boys wait. Or so that is the impression that I got my several of my friends when they learned that Scott and I had barely been dating two weeks and were already doing more then they were in their own relationships. In fact, I got a lecture from one girl, Heidi, about how that wasn't appropriate and I shouldn't just give myself away like that. I told her that I would pretty much do as I wanted and that what Scott and I were doing was none of her business. I was a lot more polite those days so I'm sure that I was very nice about it. And really... I've tried. I mean really tried to not jump right into a sexual relationship with someone. Do the whole try and get to know them first routine. It doesn't work for me. For someone who can separate sex and emotion as well as I can you think that it would be easy. But it's almost as if I am not capable of forming the emotional bond without sex. Well not sex in a traditional sense. Expand your definitions people.

Anywhoozle... I don't know where this was going, or where it is going anymore and I have things to see and people to do. Or is that the other way 'round. I don't know... I always get it confused. ;)

There are only two sides to every coin...

... but there's still the metal in between.

I was re-reading one of my fanfics today, actually just moments ago. I didn't even finish the chapter, which is pretty much a bloody miracle! And I was struck what one of the characters said:

"There are only two sides to every coin"

But then I immediately thought, "But what about the metal between the sides? Doesn't it count for everything?" I mean the idea that there are only two sides to every story is a very black and white concept. It's a true/false situation and the world does not function as a dichotomy. There is too much in between, there is too much metal. Every situation had several outcomes and choices depending on who you are and what you believe. Sometimes the choice is obvious, sometimes the choice is clouded and difficult. But every situation has multiple outcomes, where we recognise them or not.

I think that the worst thing to come out of Christianity is that too many people are naive in their belief that everything is either one or the other. That the world is broken down into good and bad. If you are a good Christian you get to go to Heaven. If you are bad you are going to Hell. But then we delve into what does it mean to be a good Christian? Who's right? Who's wrong? And even then we can move into other religions. Christianity is founded in Judaism. Who's better there? The only real difference is that Christians are just Jews that believe Jesus was their messiah. Then we can delve into Islam. I will openly admit that my understanding of Islam is definitely lacking, so please correct me if I am wrong. My limited understanding is that Islamics believe that Muhammad is their prophet and that according to him the Christians royally screwed up Jesus' message and teachings and they are following Muhammad's correct interpretation of it.

So there we have it. Three of the major religions of the world all based on a dichotomy of Good vs. Evil. But as I see they all fail or neglect to take one thing into consideration. Satan, Lucifer, the Devil, the Morning Star, Iblis; the list goes on for he has many names. Each religion has him but they all fail in the same aspect. GOD CREATED EVERYTHING! Even the so-called personification of evil himself. In fact he was one of God's angels, which is where he got the name Lucifer. Some traditions say that he was highest angel created first and that he protected the other angels from God's mighty glory. But he became prideful and believed that he should be worshipped like God, or as God. So he tried to convince the other angels that he should be worshipped, and apparently 1/3 of them thought he was pro-star. Glory be!! So God with his "infinite love for his children" tossed the trouble maker out of heaven after a war where Lucifer tried to take God's throne. (This is where we get the morning star reference.)

But really... what we have here is that God made evil. My point? I have one I promise. There is no dichotomy. If God were infallible and all good, he wouldn't have been able to create evil and life would be all peachy keen. God obviously has the capacity for evil and wrong doing. This makes perfect sense when you realise that God was made in our image and not the other way around. All people have the capacity for both good and evil in them and that is why everything happens in shades of grey. Spectra people! Spectra!

So I managed to take something very mundane and turn it into a rant about religion. Go me! I think I turn anything into a rant about religion. It's my favourite thing to rant about. I could really get into it. This statement has some pretty awesome connotations that I could go on about:

This makes perfect sense when you realise that God was made in our image and not the other way around.

Yah... that would be fun.

Stay tuned for more awesome off the wall religious rants from everyone's favourite Wiccan/Thelamist. Who knows what that means? Wha-hahaha! I'll never tell. So there.. I ended on a silly note. Go me.

My Little Obsession...

So I've come to the conclusion that Johnny Depp is the only person alive that can make smoking look smexy. And only in this portrait. Every time I see this one of him I just want to... well... maybe I shouldn't be saying that out loud. Anyways, here's to my little obsession that started when I first watched Edward Scissorhands.

Creative Writing to the New Extreme...

So... I did not write this. I just thought that I would share it all with you. Someone from my forum wrote it. I'm in love...

As he finished gently connecting the dual SATA hard drives, he tenderly ran his fingers across the cooling system. His eyes hungrily devoured the dizzying curves of the CPU fan/heatsink assemblage, and he felt a terrible urge run up his spine and down to his trembling hands.

Tenderly he slid the ATX sidepanel into place, took a firm grip on the thumbscrews, and drove them home with the swift precision of a practiced overclocker. The case gleamed in the red rays of sunset drifting through the open window, and he knew it was now or never.

He took the plug and felt it's girth and pleasing heft. This unassuming device had always served him faithfully, channeling hundreds of watts of electricity into his power supply, often for days at a time. After a moment's hesitation he plunged it into the socket with a satisfying jiggle. At the same instant, he deftly reached over and applied a firm and steady pressure to the on-switch.

Instantly he had a reaction, as gentle humming and murmuring crowded his ears, reverberating from deep within the machine before him. The monitor flickered, bright and gleaming, as the optical mouse quietly pulsed red in his grip. He proceeded slowly, allowing the processor to warm up, the OS to fully actualize, and only when things were just starting to idle did he open up the throttle.

He opened the DVD tray and slid the cool circular disk into it's yearning cavity, opting to close the bay manually with his hand instead of pressing the actual button. New visions flashed within the depths of the monitor, the stars in all their splendor, the infinite expanse of space.

With a shudder he took his joystick into his sweaty palm and could not let go. With every jerk and strain of force-feedback, his nerves tingled, but he couldn't stop now. He was half-way through the mission, and he would be damned if he didn't finish. After all, he'd paid good money for this rare copy of Privateer 2, and those colonists starving of famine two star systems away needed this shipment of supplies badly.

He fired his last missile at the lead pirate closing in on his vessel. It struck home with viscious force, seeming to tear reality itself apart in a moment of pure intensity, sending shockwaves into the farthest reaches of space. He shuddered, and then relaxed, sighing with supreme satisfaction. The other pirate vessels veered off, and he let his tired hand drop from the now still joystick. He'd have to upgrade his main guns at the next spaceport, but for now he let the sweet embrace of exhaustion over power him as he readied the jump drive for his next encounter.

~Dune~

There ya go. Awesome to a whole new level of awesome. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Just to re-iterate... I did not write this. I only wish that I was talented enough to come up with something like this. This was written by a a fellow who goes by the handle DuneWalker. Tres Heart.

Fundraiser: Let's Send Bobbi to Vancouver

Alanis Morisette is coming to Vancouver... with Matchbox Twenty but I couldn't care less about them.

So I have fund raising to send me to see her. The total price without accommodations is 573.14$. Gah! And I would still need to find a place to stay overnight on the day of the concert. But it is only one night and I'm sure that I can find a nice cheap place. Not to mention how on Earth I am going to get to GM Place. I hear cabs are very expensive.

I hope you all understand my need to go see this woman live and in concert. Alanis is my god.




Just in case you all think that I'm serious... I'm not... well not completely. It'd be nice but I don't see it happening. *sniff*

Salad Par Excelence

Read the above as if you were snootie and with a bad French accent... But then I know practically no French so I'm positive that its spelled wrong. Speaking of spelling my spell check that is in my browser tells me that I've spelled "spelled" wrong. Bugger. It wants to put it as spelt. I refuse. I have always spelled it spelled and I'm not changing it to spelt now. But... I digress.

So... I am a salad queen. I make the best salad ever. Well at least according to me I do. So I decided to share this masterful creation with all of you who read this.

Salad Par Excelence:

• Spinach, a couple handfuls. Not too much its pretty much just a base to get you started.
• 1 bell pepper, I prefer yellow or orange but really what ever floats your boat. Cut into big pieces
• Mushrooms, several depending on size. This time I used two because they were HUGE!
• Green Onions, 3-5 cut up.
• Bean sprouts, a handful
• Feta, as much as looks good
• Bacon bits, I use the real Bacon bits. NO simulated grossness.
• Almonds, a handful.
• Tuna, 1 small can. I really really really like the Thai chili flavoured tuna
  
• Fruit of some variety. I like either grapes cut up, Craisens, and tomorrow I'm trying pomegranate

Salad Dressing of Supreme Awesomeness.

• Extra virgin olive oil
• balsamic vinegar
• sesame oil
• Spices: basil, oregano, chives, garlic
• finely chopped red onions

So you'll have to forgive the lack of measurements... I do it all by touch, feel and taste. But its what I tend to have for supper most days. And if not for supper then for lunch. I like my salad. I love my dressing and together its awesomeness cannot be surpassed. Especially with the tuna. God yes... it adds a nice kick to the salad. I'm on my way to becoming a chef. Now if only I could cook things without burning them.

Done, Done-done, done, DONE!

I am done. Yay! Well... I guess I'm only mostly done. I have to finish up some assignments, go to seminar, hand it said assignments, and that's all she wrote. So my weekend will be mostly me doing assignments, which I probably won't start until late Sunday and then finish up Monday morning before I have to go to class. I am nothing if I am not a procrastinator. Go me! Then I will come home... clean my apartment... pack my shit. And lots of it b/c I have a lot of laundry to do. Fun times. Somewhere in there I will talk to my landlord type people about moving and when they need to have my official "I'm leaving" notice. I think its 30 days but I want to make sure. I have no desire to be stuck with a bad reference again. (On a completely different matter: Keep an eye open for cheap one bedroom apartments. I like walk ups, but I can survive in a high rise. More to come on price range.)

I am officially down to one semester. *glee* I try not to think about the next two years yet. I've decided that they do not exist until I am done this year. So one semester left! Wee! But that's all I really had to say. Maybe I will have something enlightening to impart upon you at a later time and date. I will percevier to blog over the holiday time but a vast majority will be spent at home in Amisk... where I can only get access to dial up Internet. And we all know how I feel about dial up. If not here's a handy little link: Click me!!

OH! And because 'tis the season... you know what's coming... if not you have bigger worries.

Christmas Jesus

And then because I just want to make sure that I am indeed going to hell instead of just being stuck half way there entertain the following:
Halloween Jesus
Holiday Jesus
Oz Jesus
Superstar! Jesus
Final Justice Jesus
Kinky Jesus
Hollywood Jesus
Original Jesus

And just in case someone doesn't like those there's this...
Dark Lord Stan