Monogamy, Commitment and Relationships in the 21st Century

I believe that human existance is defined by the relationships that we keep. In fact those relationships are essential to our survival as human beings are socal creatures. We crave interaction with other people. We search it out when it is lacking and we are generally healthier both mentally and physically when we are in positive relationships. We have created complex social structures ranging from family groups to international relationships. Everything we do is dicated by our need for relationships. 

I started learning the harsh lessons about relationships early in life. It's not a sob-story, it's just the story of one child who trusted indiscriminantly learning that not every will be or wants to be your friend or is worthy of that trust. It's the story of a teenager learning that there are people out there are deserving of her trust. It's the story of a young woman learning how to love and how to be loved. It's the story of almost every human being. It's as beautiful as it is terrible.

What does it mean?

To anyone but me, not much. It means that I am human and not a particularily interesting one either. There are way more interesting people out there. But it does mean that I question things. After my last relationship I've started to wonder if one person can ever be everything for one other person. I was 24 and I though that I had it all. I had a job and a man that I loved. I knew that both had their flaws. I was working for a non-profit and barely making ends meet some months and my man could be very self involved. He still doesn't see it... he cannot see it. He doesn't know how to look at something from another person's perspective, he can sympathise but he cannot empathise. I had not delusions that I could change him. I simply accepted him for who he was. 

You like people regardless of their flaws, you love them because of their flaws. 

From him I learned that I was capable of loving someone, that I was capable of being loved. I learned that you need more than just love to make it work. One person alone cannot make a relationship float, you need two people dedicated to working together. I learned that no matter how much you love someone and want to help them you can't make them help or love themselves, they have to want it. I learned that as wrong as it seems YOU are always the most important person in the relationship because if you can't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else.

However, it got me to wondering some things. I wondered if there is such a thing as "the one"? And given that I have found that this video sums up my views on that really well. Go watch it. It's awesome. I'll wait. 

Back?

Yes. Good. What did you think? I think that it's probably one of the most honest love songs I've ever heard. It's beautiful, funny and truthful. I also think that he's hit the nail pretty much right on the head when it comes to the concept of there being "the one". There are 6.69 BILLION people on Earth, to say that there is only ONE person out there for each of us is completely and utterly stupid. Love is an emotion that is created over time, given the right set of circumstances there are countless people that you could grow to love. Which leads me to the next question... Can any one person be everything for anyone else? 

The simple answer is... I don't know. 

This is a wholey new experience for me. I beginning to think that the answer is No and if that is the answer what does it mean for monogamy and the concept of commitment? 

 

I don't know, I'm still working on that one. I'm working on it I promise. The concept of polyamoury mostly terrifies me. Why? Because society tells me that we're supposed to be monogamous and that if you're not monogamous then there's no commitment. 

I don't think I agree with this. 

I'm not saying monogamy doesn't work. My parents have been married for 30 years now, my grandparents will be 50 years in February. It obviously works for some people. Works being the key word. I don't believe for an instance that they would have lasted this long without a lot of work, dedication and passion. I love watching my grandparents. It's so obvious that they are still in love after all this time. Monogamy works for them. It is beautiful.

But it's a choice and that's the clincher for me. (God, It allways boils down to choice.) We make the choice to be Monogamous and I seriously doubt that it's because what Human's do. I don't buy into it. It doesn't make sense biologically or instinctually. It's culturally learned. And that's not to say that it's WRONG. It's just a choice. It is neither better or worse than the alternatives. It's about what works for that person and I'm beginning to wonder if it's the right choice for ME. 

I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? I just don't know. The idea that no one person can be everything for another seems to clash with the desire that I have for stability in a relationship, the desire to be deeply cared for and to have someone there for me when I need them. I was dicussing this briefly with _Merit_ on OKCupid. He actually was able to articulate a lot of what I was trying to sort out in my own head. I still haven't got all of it figured out but I'm getting there... slowly.

 

Side Note: _Merit_ is all around pretty cool so far but he's awesome because he knows my not-so-secret-secret hero, Monk. Which is damn cool if you ask me.

The next biggest question that I have is how does commitment work in non-mogomamous relationships? The only answer that I can find so far is that there are different kinds of commitment and there are different levels of commitment. How it works or what that means? I really have no bloody clue. Hell I barely know if can work for me. It's just something that I'm playing with right now. Is it something that I can do? Yes. I already know that I can date and be intimate with more than one person at a time however I haven't tried it in a situation beyond casual dating. Can I do it when it involves deeper emotions? 

 

I donno...

 

_Merit_ and I talked about emotional capacity. And that's where I'm going to find my answer. If I can answer the question: How many people can I deeply care for? than I can work on answering the questions before that. For certain things I know I have a great emotional capacity. I can have had the shittiest day in the world and still be willing to drop everything to be there for someone I care about. I often feel like I give way more than I receive and that's ok, I'm happy when my friends are happy. It's not like they're not there for me. But friendships and family relationships are different from romantic relationships. I put everything into the last one. I put so much in that I came out with nothing left and I don't even want to consider where I would be if it hadn't have been for my friends and family. They were there for me and carried me through the worst of it. (Thanks Everyone!)

So for now... if I'm going to be seeing more than one person I think I'll keep it basically casual. In the future who knows? Ask me when I'm 30. I've got all the time in the world to figure it out. I don't need to have concret answers now, just a direction to travel. I mean, it's all about the journey anyway right?