New Year, New Beginnings, Starting Over and Review

The new year is supposed to mean new beginnings, a time to start something new, make resolutions. I've never been a big fan of the coincidement. I personally believe that if there is something that should change in life you should change it when it comes up, when you notice it. I've generally avoided making a New Year's Resolution. As many of you can attest to I "make" that same one over and over again: I resolve to resolve nothing, again. There by making and breaking my resolution almost at the same time. It's been a good system. I highly suggest it to anyone who has troubles keeping their New Year's Resolution. 

While life for me could certainly have been worse, I can say without a doubt that it has had its definite ups and downs. I started post-secondary in September of 2002 and four years later I was politely being asked to leave the University after struggling through the last two years. It wasn't that bad. I already knew by then that I didn't want to do a Science degree, I was just running on autopilot. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. 

It was during that fourth year at the UofA that I had my first real brush with depression and my first panic attack. I wasn't so smart about it. I drove from my place to the only place I could think of that was safe... the safewalk office. J was dispatching and he talked me down. I don't know if he remembers it, but he saved me that night. I had know clue what was going on and I was loosing it quietly inside. I had already finished my outward freak out by the time I got there: the tears were dried, my breathing was under control and I wasn't shaking like a leaf anymore. I was outwardly calm and inwardly just completely gone. I'm sure he knew something was wrong, I don't remember for sure if he asked as most of that night was a complete blur. I don't know exactly what sparked it, except that I had learned recently that my father had not only melanoma but also leukemia. 

The letter from the UofA that summer was both at the same time the best and worst thing that happened to me. It meant that I didn't have to finish my science degree. It gave me permission to quit. I don't like giving up. I was going to shove through and finish my degree and then figure out where the hell it left me. However, it also meant that I didn't know where I was going. I struggled with it and quickly decided that I should obtain my ECD Diploma from Grant MacEwean. I had started working in childcare in my second year and I loved it, part of me still loves it. So I applied and made it in and wiped the sweat off my brow. I was safe in school and didn't have to worry about facing the mountain of debt that I was accumulating. 

I had some good times in ECD but mostly I remember it being trying, very trying. I remember generally not liking the instructors, I found them condescending. I had one ask me during a class that I just felt emotionally and physically that I could not go to asking me where I was supposed to be, like I was in high school. I think their problem was that they taught children for too long and forgot how to interact with adults. While it might not be right, it's my story and I'm sticking to it. If I go back and read my blogs during that time I find some real winners. It's scary as hell and ugly as possible. I really should have been in therapy or something. It's a real wonder that I honestly didn't want life to end, some how through all that I still wanted to keep living. I did manage to get some meds during the worst of it. I remember them making me not feel anything. They weren't the right one for me but they got me through it and that was good enough for me. It was basically bad enough that I wasn't blogging. I blog when things are bad, sometimes good but never when it's really bad. That's right, as bad as those posts are, they're not the worst. *sigh* Terrifying.

This is what happens when you do something that you think you should be doing not what you want to do. 

 However, I made it through and I can honestly say life has been pretty good since then. I would say rougher in many ways, but I have learned better how to handle it and I do not get depressed like that any more. I haven't had a panic attack since I finished my diploma in 2008. I think that's a major accomplishment. I'm really proud of myself. Go me!

If not for my sister and her now husband, I would not have been able to support myself after he left. I could barely afford to pay rent and bills, never mind food. M and N did most of the food shopping and I don't think I've ever told them how much that meant and helped. Especially considering they were having their own difficulties at the time. M had a broken ankle and wasn't working for part of it. We went our separate ways in the New Year (2010) and I found a nice little basement suite apartment, where I met one of the neatest people I've had the pleasure to live with. I found a way in life again and while it wasn't perfect it wasn't bad. I was still having problems with Al, part of me hating him, part of me still wishing I was with him. I blocked him number, I unblocked it, I refused to talk to him, I begged him to come over. I recommend against dragging out a break up like that. 

I eventually got to place where I didn't feel like that anymore, met a really awesome guy from Calgary and had a few wonderful months with him. He reminded me that I was worth more than the shit I had put myself through. It didn't work out though. I don't entirely know why even today, though it was all on my end. Maybe I still wasn't in the right place for a committed relationship, maybe I was mature enough for the distance, maybe things got too intense way too fast and scared me off. I've considered all of them and they all still seem wrong. I don't know. Last I heard he was with a new lady and he seems happy. It makes me happy. I've been, what I'll call, mostly single since we broke up. I was seeing someone for a year as a very casual thing but I didn't really consider myself in a relationship. In the beginning it was what I wanted but I quickly noticed that it probably wasn't going to work out. I like and respect the guy. I wish him well and we'll see where this year takes us but I have a feeling that we're going to grow apart. The times we're together grow further apart and more about sex than about anything else. In the beginning there was conversation too. I haven't seen him since summer. 

In July 2010 I quit my job for another job, with a little more money and responsibility. I was really excited about the new opportunities that it would bring. However, instead of opportunities it just brought stress, pain and suffering. The training that I was promised in my contract was never offered, I was often out of ratio with the children and the staff that was hired for me was very raw. They didn't really know what they were doing. I was expected to get everything done in the "office," mentor the all the new staff and be in ratio. I was not given adequate support, space or materials to do it. After two and a half months of struggling with the company to find away to fix the solution I decided to quit. I went on unemployment and that's were I was for the rest of 2010 and basically all of 2011.

In November I applied for full time studies in the Human Resources Management Program at Grant MacEwan. I've been doing part time studies for basically a year now and it was something that I wanted to do. I had been researching it basically since I had graduated from the ECD Program, just waiting for the right time to go into it. Part time classes while working seemed like the way to go and after a year of unemployment, going back to school seemed smart, especially since I wasn't getting anywhere in the job department and it was beginning to get "not pretty".

It's now January 2012 and I'm sitting in my fancy dorm room at the MacEwan residence after coming back from Sunrise Yoga. It's the first day of class today. I get to learn about Employment Law today. I can't wait. I'm excited about all my classes this semester and next year. So far I have a B+ average and it's only that low because my math score is dragging it down. If I didn't have to have that damn math score I'd have an A. My goal, my totally obtainable goal is to have that A back. It'll be the first time ever but I'm positive that it can happen.

So... here's to 2012 being better than the last several years. I'm starting over at 27, almost 28 and I really couldn't be happier... Well... Maybe if I didn't have to go BACK into debt to make this happen then I could be happier but it certainly doesn't bother me. (And if you want that story, about how I managed to get out of debt in just two years, ask. It's pretty cool. Otherwise, I bet you already know.)