Nerdopoulus

Dan Savage is my Hero

2012-01-20T01:28:00.001-07:00

So I’ve been thinking about this whole “what should I blog about” thing. I really have and I’ve even written down a few things. I doubt that any of them are going anywhere as they’re either lame or I honestly don’t have a lot of interest in blogging about them. However, it has got me to thinking about what I would actually like to blog about.

And what is it that I usually blog about my dear readers?

Come on. You know this.

Welp, I s’pose that there are two major topics of my blog: mental health and sex and sexuality. This time my dear readers I’m thinking sex, in specific Sex Education and it’s been on my mind lately.

Why?

Why Not?

I honestly couldn’t really say as to why but it’s been there, sitting in the background whispering at me. “BJ… BJ… Have you really forgotten about me?”

My answer, as always, was a resounding - NO. No I have not. How could I? You know at one time, I thought that I was going to be a sex educator. It was a dream, a goal, something that has largely become unattainable in the immediate future but always there in the background. It is still is. I know what I would do if I won the lottery and money was no option. I would be designing some awesome sex education curriculum with the help of many pre-teens, teenagers, their parents and experts. (Remember this is an ultimate dream and realistically I realize that this would be mostly improbable. A girl can dream though, alright?)

I wrote a 20 page term paper on sex education in the USA in my third year at the U of A. I got a B and the professor said that if I had done it on Canada I would have probably got an A so I generally know what I’m talking about. I did the basic research… and I’ve done more since then. I could take that paper that I wrote then and make in Alberta centric (Education is provincially legislated, not federally) and I could make it better.

So basically… that’s kinda what I’m doing here but more fun and interesting injected with a heavy dose of personal opinion and speculation. It’s how I roll, yo.

Sex Education: Education about human sexual anatomy, reproduction, and intercourse and other sexual behaviour

It seems kinda obvious, right? I would include sexuality in the definition personally; however I suppose that it’s covered under “other sexual behaviour.” I would also include discussions about gender as it can be rather different from the sex of a person. For instance:

Sex: either the male or female division of a species, especially as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions.

Gender: Sexual identity, especially in relation to society or culture

See? I would classify sex as a biological term and gender as more philosophical term. Sex exists in a “dichotomy with exceptions” (Shhhh… It’s not hypocrisy*) and gender is more of a spectrum.

*Yes, I am pseudo-ignoring the existence of hermaphrodites and intersexed individuals. I’m sorry. I mean no offense or otherwise. But I as far as I know they are genetically one or the other – XX or XY and that their gender may or may not match their genes. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, I can take it, I’m a big girl. Also, I’m a life-learner, it’s important to always correct your misconceptions.

It is important to realise that there is this difference between sex and gender otherwise you’d be missing a whole subset of sex education. Your sex is only one part of it, your gender is the other and together they walk hand in hand to create your sexuality and sexual identity.

Anywhoozle… Back on track we go.

There are two basic types of sex education programs with most schools laying somewhere between them. There is Comprehensive Sexual Education and there is Abstinence-Only-Until-Marriage Sexual Education. Personally, if I could convince everyone to go with a true Comprehensive program that is supported in school and at home I would be the happiest person in the world and I truly believe that many of the problems that we have as societies with respect to sex and sexuality would disappear… but that is definitely a pipe dream and it sure ain’t gonna be happening in my life time or the next.

Any ways, comprehensive programs start in kindergarten and continue through high school teaching children, preteens and teenagers age appropriate sexual education. It covers everything from body image to actual sexual mechanics. I would imagine that there are very few truly comprehensive sex ed classes out there. More’s the shame.

Abstinence Only programs are a giant load of hog wash. (I said there would be personal opinion, ok? I warned you. You can’t get mad at me now. You made the choice to keep reading.) HOG WASH! They teach that sex is only for marriage. They do not teach about contraceptives, STIs, masturbation or alternatives to sexual intercourse like mutual masturbation or oral sex. (See More and More.) They are restrictive and make me really mad. They treat sex like it is something that is bad and dirty. Please don’t tell me they don’t. Because the only “good” sex is marital sex in these kinds of programs and that any other sex is “bad.” You are never going to change my mind on this because there is NO WAY that all the sex I’ve been having since I was 19 is bad sex. (Well, some it was but because of one little rule that I always follow and not because it was pre-marital sex.)

BJ’s Good Sex Rule: Sex is good if a) you feel good about it when you’re doing it and b) you still feel good about it later. If you regret it later then it wasn’t good sex, it was bad sex. Deal with it. You made a mistake learn from and move forward.

Gods! It makes no fucking sense to me AT ALL. I’ll admit my bias here, I will. But I just cannot see how an abstinence only program is valuable. I mean look at the facts here, teenagers are giant hormone factories running on concentrated horniness and all because they’re coming into their sexual maturity. Their bodies are changing into becoming adult bodies and whether you want to admit it or not human beings are sexual creatures. The fact that I didn’t have sex until I was 19 seems mostly anomalous when I talk to other people in my generation and really the only reason I didn’t have sex at 17 was because my little sister peaked in my door. (Damn you MA! That probably would have been a HELL of a lot better than my “actual first” experience which sucked giant balls. *sigh*) I swear if I have kids and they have to sit through an Abstinence Only program I might just exercise my rights in Bill 44… *sigh* Or I might just let them sit there and ask the questions that I would expect them to ask and make the teacher squirm. *evil grin*

I mean sex education is so much more than no sex until marriage and sex is for procreation only. Doesn’t it just seem stunted to you? To limit what sex and sexuality are to that narrow of a focus? Doesn’t it?

Now, I am NOT saying that comprehensive sex education is perfect. Far from it Sex and sexuality is such an encompassing thing that I do not believe that there is one way to teach it but I just feel that it is the better approach. It actually makes the effort to teach children something instead of telling them what not to do. Isn’t that what education is about? About arming people with the information to go out into the world prepared as best as possible to make their own mistakes intelligently? I think that’s what education should be about anyways.

Sex Education should be about arming teenagers with all the information about sex and sexuality so that they can go out and make informed and intelligent decisions. It should be about teaching children that we’re all different, we all look different and that’s ok. We should be teaching them that all those beautiful people they see on TV have been airbrushed out of recognition.

As I stated earlier education is provincial legislation. Each province in Canada is responsible for creating its own curriculum and legislation in regards to education. There is no federal education, minus the First Nations, curriculum. Guide to Education produced by the Alberta government has their Human Sexuality Education Policy on page 19. It states:

… school jurisdictions and accredited private schools in providing Grades 4 to 9 Health and Life Skills and Career and Life Management shall ensure that the human sexuality component is offered to all students…

That’s right people sex ed starts in Grade 4 up here in the great white north, well at least in Alberta it does. That means that we have a comprehensive sex ed program. *smiles* It makes me happy, but it doesn’t make everyone happy. Here, this is why you shouldn’t vote for The Alberta Social Credit Party, specifically see Policy 5.6.2 *shudder* It’s terrifying really.

I’ve spent some time reading over the curriculum for both courses: Health and Life Skills (HLS) and Career and Life Management (CALM) and they have some really good things. That being said, I’ve also been through these courses and they are anything but comprehensive. The first time I received sex education in school was in grade 6, they segregated the boys and girls and it really sucked. We learned some anatomy and that we’re gonna be going through puberty soon and what puberty was. Now, that being said, I was the kid who started budding the in summer before grade 4 and by grade six I already had a small C cup, it was a little late for me. It’s a damn good thing that my parents, especially my mom, where willing to talk about it with me or I’da been like – Oh FUCK… What is WRONG WITH ME?! (I wish that more parents were as awesome as mine. That being said mom had to field some really wonderful questions like this gem from my sister, MA, “Mom, what does it taste like?” I’m sure you can guess what it was in reference too. Also… my sister was a precocious youth. She asked this question when I was 8-9ish and she’s 16 months younger than me. Good times, that.)

Grade 7 and 8 were better… our teacher was young. He let us laugh uncomfortably at the words Penis and Vagina, we had an anonymous question box that actually worked well and it was a class that I actually enjoyed in the grand scheme of things. Grade 9 was a bloody gong show again… sexual segregation that definitely didn’t need to be done. It’s not like we haven’t seen the other body parts in wonderful diagrams with each other people. It’s not like we hadn’t asked embarrassing questions before. I really didn’t like the way the teacher did it that year. Grade 11, in CALM was when we got it again. It was sadly lacking again but at least we were all together again and laughing, though less uncomfortably so at the words penis and vagina, and this time around the teacher let us use slang. In fact we had to come up with as many slang words as we could. It was a great exercise to help us get more comfortable with what we were really talking about.

In all these classes, each really only one day a piece, all I remember learning about are these things: anatomy, reproduction, safer sex and that’s that. No discussion about gender, sexuality, sex, alternatives to sex, pressures to have sex, date rape, asexuality (yes, there is such a thing), body image, sexual expectations, etc, etc, etc. I s’pose it could’ve been there but I really don’t remember it. Especially when it really mattered like in CALM, we had one bloody day were the health nurse came in and talk to us about how to use a condom and what STIs were.

Wow.

I really hope that it’s got better since I was in high school. I should ask my cousin, she’s in grade 12 right now. I’m sure she’d LOVE that conversation…

Me: Hey, NK… How was your sex ed classes? Tell me about them, I’m curious.

Cousin: Ah… Hell, no.

Not that she’d actually say, hell no. Or at least not that I’ve ever heard her say it but I really doubt that she would feel comfortable enough discussing that with her 10 years her senior cousin. I know I certainly wouldn’t have at her age. My mom, yes, my cousin who I barely see… definitely not so much.

Yah, definitely not so much.

Hey, NK… if you ever read this and you ever want to tell me about how the sex ed classes are nowadays I’m totally willing to listen and I’ll be as non-awkwardness inducing as possible, I swear. Or you know, not. I’m entirely too open some days and I’d probably say something unintentionally that would scar you for life. I apologise now, just in case. Oh… also… try not to read the archives, trust me, you do not want to know that much about me, I swear. I don’t mind, I’m completely comfortable with my so-called perverseness, I just don’t think you’d be so.

Anyways, through my research I found a great website by the Alberta Government… I’ve only just started going through it but so far it seems really interesting. Check it Out.

Finally, as I am running out of steam, I leave you with the words of Dan Savage, one of my heroes, on How NOT to tell a child about Sex. I could write a whole blog about how Dan Savage is awesomeness incarnated but I would really rather let him speak for himself. If you don’t know who Dan Savage is… it’s time to crawl out from under whatever rock you’ve been hiding under and start reading this and maybe listening to this. You don’t have to agree with everything he says, hell I’m not even sure I do, but I’d say 90% of the time I’m on the same page.

So… Yah… How NOT to tell a child about Sex… Take it away Dan…

Why don't I write more? Because I'm - Oh, Look! Shiney!!!

2012-01-12T00:43:00.001-07:00

I really need to start writing done all my ideas for this thing. I have SO MANY good ideas when it comes to blogs, things that interest me and are exciting to me. I think to myself - "I really gotta blog about that, it would make a great topic" and I just never do it. I get drawn up into something else and I never get back around to the previous thing that caught my eye.

So my goal for this year, to actually start writing down my ideas for blogs. Generally speaking the things that I want to write about entail some degree of research, which is why they never get done. It's not just a complete opinion piece, there's work involved. I'm not shying away from the work; I'm just a busy person... I also seem to have the attention span of a gnat. "You know that would be really cool to blog about because of the social implications of recreational drug use.... OH! SHINEY!!!"

And what was going to be something really interesting and thought provoking ends up lost in the multitude of other things that I worry about throughout the day. I'm hoping that if I start writing down ideas for blogs then when I have spare time I'll make the effort to research the subjects because I won't have forgotten them in the meantime. I might just start carrying around a small writing pad to jot down my ideas... or if I was really smart I'd use the mini-journal on my phone.

Now, that's an idea, one I like even.

Hrrmmmm....

I might have to actually look into that. I've got some rather interesting ideas from my Employment Law class... specifically one having to do with employers mandating employees sign confidentiality agreements. The concept is definitely something that I find interesting; I have signed several of them myself. Why? Because I worked in childcare... and wanna hear something really scary. The childcare industry is NOT protected by FOIP. There's another piece of legislation that it gets covered under and for the life of me I can't remember which one it is. All I can remember is that it is not nearly as in-depth or encompassing as FOIP. Hell, if childcare centres really wanted to they could sell information to whomever. It's a little terrifying.

Why do I know this? Because I am an administrative genius and I was creating forms for one of the places that I worked and on the form my boss wanted me to have that the information was protected and gathered with accordance to FOIP. Why? Because that's what the other affiliated centre also had on their forms and they were trying to "get together" on things like that. However, I looked into it. Childcare is not covered under FOIP and that's because for all intents and purposes childcare, even non-profit childcare, is a business. Businesses are not covered under the scope of FOIP.

It's ok... I remembered... It's PIPA. We're covered under PIPA. Basically the difference is that FOIPP says you can't disclose an individual's information without their consent. PIPA says that you can disclose information as long as it required by the organisation. There's a lot of bits and bobs about what it means to be required, things that can't be disclosed anyway and a whole lotta hoops to jump through.

If you're feeling nerdly and don't mind the legalese check this out: FOIP and PIPA

I just came back from the PIPA website. There's a whole section that easily found about PIPA for Non-profits... It was NOT that easy to find in 2008 that's for damn sure.

Anywhoozle... it's getting bloody late and I have better things to do than yammer on about confidentiality and childcare, like sleep, though it's been rather elusive so far this month. I'm blaming moving back to the city and a bed that's probably made of rock.

Hee hee....Bed Rock.

See! That is what happens when there is a lack of sleep.

New Year, New Beginnings, Starting Over and Review

2012-01-04T09:35:00.001-07:00

The new year is supposed to mean new beginnings, a time to start something new, make resolutions. I've never been a big fan of the coincidement. I personally believe that if there is something that should change in life you should change it when it comes up, when you notice it. I've generally avoided making a New Year's Resolution. As many of you can attest to I "make" that same one over and over again: I resolve to resolve nothing, again. There by making and breaking my resolution almost at the same time. It's been a good system. I highly suggest it to anyone who has troubles keeping their New Year's Resolution.

While life for me could certainly have been worse, I can say without a doubt that it has had its definite ups and downs. I started post-secondary in September of 2002 and four years later I was politely being asked to leave the University after struggling through the last two years. It wasn't that bad. I already knew by then that I didn't want to do a Science degree, I was just running on autopilot. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

It was during that fourth year at the UofA that I had my first real brush with depression and my first panic attack. I wasn't so smart about it. I drove from my place to the only place I could think of that was safe... the safewalk office. J was dispatching and he talked me down. I don't know if he remembers it, but he saved me that night. I had know clue what was going on and I was loosing it quietly inside. I had already finished my outward freak out by the time I got there: the tears were dried, my breathing was under control and I wasn't shaking like a leaf anymore. I was outwardly calm and inwardly just completely gone. I'm sure he knew something was wrong, I don't remember for sure if he asked as most of that night was a complete blur. I don't know exactly what sparked it, except that I had learned recently that my father had not only melanoma but also leukemia.

The letter from the UofA that summer was both at the same time the best and worst thing that happened to me. It meant that I didn't have to finish my science degree. It gave me permission to quit. I don't like giving up. I was going to shove through and finish my degree and then figure out where the hell it left me. However, it also meant that I didn't know where I was going. I struggled with it and quickly decided that I should obtain my ECD Diploma from Grant MacEwean. I had started working in childcare in my second year and I loved it, part of me still loves it. So I applied and made it in and wiped the sweat off my brow. I was safe in school and didn't have to worry about facing the mountain of debt that I was accumulating.

I had some good times in ECD but mostly I remember it being trying, very trying. I remember generally not liking the instructors, I found them condescending. I had one ask me during a class that I just felt emotionally and physically that I could not go to asking me where I was supposed to be, like I was in high school. I think their problem was that they taught children for too long and forgot how to interact with adults. While it might not be right, it's my story and I'm sticking to it. If I go back and read my blogs during that time I find some real winners. It's scary as hell and ugly as possible. I really should have been in therapy or something. It's a real wonder that I honestly didn't want life to end, some how through all that I still wanted to keep living. I did manage to get some meds during the worst of it. I remember them making me not feel anything. They weren't the right one for me but they got me through it and that was good enough for me. It was basically bad enough that I wasn't blogging. I blog when things are bad, sometimes good but never when it's really bad. That's right, as bad as those posts are, they're not the worst. *sigh* Terrifying.

This is what happens when you do something that you think you should be doing not what you want to do.

However, I made it through and I can honestly say life has been pretty good since then. I would say rougher in many ways, but I have learned better how to handle it and I do not get depressed like that any more. I haven't had a panic attack since I finished my diploma in 2008. I think that's a major accomplishment. I'm really proud of myself. Go me!

If not for my sister and her now husband, I would not have been able to support myself after he left. I could barely afford to pay rent and bills, never mind food. M and N did most of the food shopping and I don't think I've ever told them how much that meant and helped. Especially considering they were having their own difficulties at the time. M had a broken ankle and wasn't working for part of it. We went our separate ways in the New Year (2010) and I found a nice little basement suite apartment, where I met one of the neatest people I've had the pleasure to live with. I found a way in life again and while it wasn't perfect it wasn't bad. I was still having problems with Al, part of me hating him, part of me still wishing I was with him. I blocked him number, I unblocked it, I refused to talk to him, I begged him to come over. I recommend against dragging out a break up like that.

I eventually got to place where I didn't feel like that anymore, met a really awesome guy from Calgary and had a few wonderful months with him. He reminded me that I was worth more than the shit I had put myself through. It didn't work out though. I don't entirely know why even today, though it was all on my end. Maybe I still wasn't in the right place for a committed relationship, maybe I was mature enough for the distance, maybe things got too intense way too fast and scared me off. I've considered all of them and they all still seem wrong. I don't know. Last I heard he was with a new lady and he seems happy. It makes me happy. I've been, what I'll call, mostly single since we broke up. I was seeing someone for a year as a very casual thing but I didn't really consider myself in a relationship. In the beginning it was what I wanted but I quickly noticed that it probably wasn't going to work out. I like and respect the guy. I wish him well and we'll see where this year takes us but I have a feeling that we're going to grow apart. The times we're together grow further apart and more about sex than about anything else. In the beginning there was conversation too. I haven't seen him since summer.

In July 2010 I quit my job for another job, with a little more money and responsibility. I was really excited about the new opportunities that it would bring. However, instead of opportunities it just brought stress, pain and suffering. The training that I was promised in my contract was never offered, I was often out of ratio with the children and the staff that was hired for me was very raw. They didn't really know what they were doing. I was expected to get everything done in the "office," mentor the all the new staff and be in ratio. I was not given adequate support, space or materials to do it. After two and a half months of struggling with the company to find away to fix the solution I decided to quit. I went on unemployment and that's were I was for the rest of 2010 and basically all of 2011.

In November I applied for full time studies in the Human Resources Management Program at Grant MacEwan. I've been doing part time studies for basically a year now and it was something that I wanted to do. I had been researching it basically since I had graduated from the ECD Program, just waiting for the right time to go into it. Part time classes while working seemed like the way to go and after a year of unemployment, going back to school seemed smart, especially since I wasn't getting anywhere in the job department and it was beginning to get "not pretty".

It's now January 2012 and I'm sitting in my fancy dorm room at the MacEwan residence after coming back from Sunrise Yoga. It's the first day of class today. I get to learn about Employment Law today. I can't wait. I'm excited about all my classes this semester and next year. So far I have a B+ average and it's only that low because my math score is dragging it down. If I didn't have to have that damn math score I'd have an A. My goal, my totally obtainable goal is to have that A back. It'll be the first time ever but I'm positive that it can happen.

So... here's to 2012 being better than the last several years. I'm starting over at 27, almost 28 and I really couldn't be happier... Well... Maybe if I didn't have to go BACK into debt to make this happen then I could be happier but it certainly doesn't bother me. (And if you want that story, about how I managed to get out of debt in just two years, ask. It's pretty cool. Otherwise, I bet you already know.)

In the Spirit of Things...

2012-01-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently I completely forgot about this... So I'm posting it now along with a new post for the new year and new beginnings. -BJ 04-Jan-2012

So with respect due to the upcoming Canadian Federal Election I have been thinking a lot about my personal politics. I mean one needs to know their own politics in order to find someone worth voting for. I watched the Ed-Strath candidate forum thanks to a friend who lead me to the livestream of it. (Danke B.L. You're awesome by the by.) It was elightening but all it really did was just bring to the forefront how lacking I am in a candidate that really fits my personal politics. It really doesn't help that I have difficulty articulating them.

Now, I do not expect to fit into the tiny little boxes that our countries political parties stuff themselves into but it would be nice to at least identify with one. I have historically voted Conservative and while I know that may shock some of you I would like to take this time to remind you that I did grow up in Small Town, Rural, Alberta. It's almost like it's bred into you.

Actually my parents raised me to be an individual and free thinker... This will be my fourth Federal Election, I have voted in two Provincial Elections and finally two Edmonton City Elections. I have voted in every election that I have legally been allowed to vote in and I have not missed a single one. It is my right AND more importantly my responsibility, something that I think a lot of people forget when it comes to election time.

Of those elections... there were a few where I voted without reservation. I knew who I wass voting for, it only made sense. As I got a little older things got tricker. There was one election that I just spoiled my ballot (I voted with frownie-faces) on because I could not in good conscienous vote for any candidate. This year I am hoping that it does not come to that. I will be optimistic, however I do not know how long it will last.

However what I really wanted to share was this:

Axiom of Rights. Every individual has the right to live their lives as they see fit, as long as their actions do not interfere directly with the rights of others to do the same.
Axiom of Responsibility. Every individual has the responsibility of following and being aware of when they are violating the first axiom.
Axiom of Contracts. Individuals have the right to make binding agreements with each other that do not violate the previous axioms.
Axiom of Government. Governments are created to insure that the previous axioms are adhered to and to provide for collective benefits that do not violate the previous axioms
.Axiom of Disobedience. In the event that a government does not responsibly execute the previous axioms an individual may, on their own responsibility, violate any governmental dictum.

True citizenship is not measured by our similarities, it is measured by the tolerance of our differences.

I found it Here. It is not my original work.

Because I promised something less depressing!

2011-04-04T19:18:00.000-06:00

You know how you go into a public washroom and the integrity of every stall has been compromised so you have to pick the least disgusting one?

That's how I feel about dating!

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!

What?

I think think it's bloody brilliant.

250,000 miles and a clear night in June....

2011-04-03T21:28:00.000-06:00

and I'm so lost without you.

So, I'm feeling a little introspective today with a hard edge of melancholy.

Melancholy.

It seems my life is back on track in most areas. I'm working toward achieving my HRM diploma and so far, doing really well in my classes. I am working for a company that I really like with people that seem to be really awesome. I finally enjoy going to work again. I cannot explain how amazing that feeling is after working at a job I hated and then being unemployed for 6 months. I have amazing friends and family. My boys are finally starting to really get along without me playing referee all the time. Cuddling with two beings that think you are the world is awesome. Life is pretty wonderful.

But there it is.

Melancholy.

I can't really explain it asides from the fact that I feel like there is something missing. Where did it come from? I was talking to someone that I dated briefly yesterday and he told me that:

I was worried with my heart shut down, all that would be left was lust. And you're worth more than just a warm body at night.

It made me cry then, I still cry when I read it now. I'll probably cry everytime I read it. Why? Because given the circumstances and the situation he is the only person that has afford me that amount of respect. Even the person that I dated, lived with and thought I might spend the rest of my life with did not afford me with that amount of respect.

Then he preceed to tell me some other wonderful things that I'm not going to share suffise to say that if I was anyone else I would have been blushing like a school girl. Now, now... not like that. While they were less than PG13 I wouldn't say that they were pornographic. It just let me see myself from his point of view and it was beautiful in it's own way.

But it got me to thinking. Why do I keep finding myself in these situations where I am not afford the respect that this one individual easily sees that I deserve? Why do I keep dating boys (because they obviously can't be men) that treat me like shit? Why do I keep doing this to myself?

The short answer... I don't know. Truly. I don't. It's not like I'm consciencously going out to find boys that don't know the meaning of trust and respect. I'm looking for some kind of kindred spirit that can understand me, I guess.

I want to find a man that is strong, loving, caring and understanding. I want to find someone that realise I have a strong personality and doesn't expect me to be a quite, demure proper little lady. (Gods, can you imagine?) Someone that can either share my nerdiness and quirks or respect them and me for them. I want to find someone that challenges me be to better than I am but supports me when I'm not. I want to find someone that realises how important friends and family are. (Really I should just say family. So many of you are more than just friends.) I want someone that trusts me but isn't afraid to tell me when he's insecure. I want someone that I can talk to about anything and I mean anything. I've had enough of people that aren't able to have the tough conversations to last me a lifetime.

So what am I doing to not be able to do that? And it's not like I expect all of that right off the bat! I believe that you have to grow into people and that they have to grow into you. However, I don't think that it's too much to ask for the person to have the seeds there. It obviously has to be something I'm doing. There has to be a reason that I'm attracting or attracted to these boys that are just completely unhealthy for me but I just don't know what it is yet.

Thinking about it makes me melancholy. It's not that I think something is wrong with me per sae but that there is some part of me that I have not delved deep enough into to really understand. I dislike the feeling that I don't know a part of myself. It makes me anxious. And while intellecually I understand that we are always learning about ourselves, emotionally it is unsettling. I dislike it. It makes me feel out of control and I do not like that feeling at all. I reign tight control over myself, sharing what I want, keeping other pieces close to my heart.

I am difficult to truly to get to know.

I don't think I can even being to explain just how many different masks I wear, all in an effort to keep control. I like to think that I have opened up fairly well to most of my friends, at least the really important ones but even then sometimes I wonder how open I am being. How much to I really tell them? Each of them holds a part of me but I do not know for sure anymore if any of them holds the whole of me.

And what does that mean? What does it say about me that I am unable to share all of myself to the people that have proven themselves over and over again? I don't know.

I suppose that the important part is that I ask these questions, not necessarily that I find the answers.

It's not Pretty, but it's Important.

2011-01-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

I was reviewing my blog when I came upon this post: Click Me

I'll wait while you go read it, but I'm warning you it's not exactly pretty.

I cried for that girl as I read about her. Silent tears streaming unabashedly down my face as I remembered her.

I wish I could go back in time, pick her up and let her know that she'll survive things that will make what's she's going through now seem trivial and small. I wish I could tell her how strong, wonderful and beautiful she is. I wish I could tell her I love her even if she doesn't think I do. I wish I could tell her that she will in a short time grow into an amazing woman capable of things that she never dreamed she would be.

But you know what I wish I could tell her most of all?

I wish I could tell her that she doesn't have to be strong, that she doesn't have to do it on her own. I wish I could tell her that there are people there for her, that they would do anything for her, move Heave and Earth for her if they could. I wish I could tell her that it's OK to cry. I wish that I could tell her to ask for help. I wish I could be there for her.

I wish I would have got help.

Mental illness is fucking scary as hell. Fucking scary as Hell.

And there's the stigma attached to it. The idea that nothing is really wrong, that it's all in your head.

Fucking scary as Hell.

If you haven't been through it or witnessed it I do not think I can even begin to explain how scary it is. I tried in that post to capture what a panic attack felt like. What goes through your head as it's happening and how you deal with it. I wrote that in the middle of one actually if memory serves me correctly. How'd I do? I can feel when I read it. My skin crawls, my breath catches and I can feel it right in the pit of my stomach. I can still feel it.

I can feel it.

It's almost like I can't escape it. I have one HELL of a headache. It's sitting in behind my eyes and at the back of my head just like it used to.

Mental illness isn't pretty but it's important. Did you know that 90% of suicides have some diagnosable mental illness? That 15-25% of suicides with mood disorders are people with a major depressive or bipolar disorder?

Fucking Scary as Hell.

It takes just one person to help another. Just one person and you may not even know you helped. If you're worried about someone ask them. Talk to them and don't take No for an answer. Tell them how concerned you are. Tell them how much you care for them and that you're worried for them. Tell them that you can be there for them to listen or that you can help them find the help they need. Don't be afraid to get help and talk to someone else if you are really worried if you don't think you can do it yourself. It may not be pretty, but it's important.

I can still feel it but it doesn't control me anymore. I won't say that I've conquered it, I don't think you can ever truly conquer it. You will live with it for your entirely life. However you can control it, acknowledging it is paramount to doing so. I have a mental illness. I live with mental illness. But it does not control me.

TaToID Episode 3: Excuse me miss....

2011-01-26T22:01:00.003-07:00

This one's a winner. A tried and true winner. I don't know how I even said no to this guy, yee gods. Remember, as always the username has been changed to protect the ID of stupid people.

Inbox:

SuperStud hi

So I click on it to open the message.... This is what I see.

Excuse me miss, but i would like to have sex with you.

I sent back the following....

and what in your right mind made you think that I would respond favourably to an overature like that?

I got this in response....I wasn't really expecting one in the least.
As a human favor.... But i wasnt hoping an answer cause i wasnt in my sense when i wrote that. But since you replied im would like to offer you my sincere appology, all this happened when i woke up from my sleep and im sure you are aware of the after math that takes place in sleep and bothers alot when you wake up.

Thankyou

Have a fabolous weekend

I haven't changed a damn thing. I promise. That is his message word for word. Grammar and spelling mistake all included. I didn't know what to say back. I really didn't. I swear there is a strong reason why I'm single more often than not and it's because of such wonderful guys like this. Is is really too much to hope for someone who is smart, intellegent (No, they're not the same) and not a moron? Gah.

Trust and Relationships: Throwing out an Old Model

2010-11-17T11:25:00.001-07:00

So my baby sister... That's right kiddo. You'll always be my baby sister. Trying explaining that one to a 5 year old when they ask how old you are!... Back on track.

So my baby sister pointed something very interesting out in my last blog and struck a chord with me. She stated and I quote:

Brilliant. Just a thought.... you mentioned that in a "working" relationship it requires work, dedication and passion. But what about absolute trust? without trusting someone, or knowing they trust you, can that relationship work?

I’m not sure monogamy is cultured or instinctive, but don’t most people have that nagging little fear in the back of their minds, they don’t want to be alone? Yes there are friends and family, but nothing quite fills the space as well as a partner?

Trust.

What a concept. Yes, I've thought long and hard about this concept. I suppose that I should have added something in the last blog about it however you can't cover everything. It's not that I didn't forget about it kiddo, it's just that it didn't fit in. And look what you've done spawned a whole new blog. This people, is why I want you to comment! It creates dialogue and makes me think! Huzzah! (Thanks commenters, you rock.)

Alright kiddo, here's the thing. You've raised a really interesting point and I like it. You asked a lot of good questions and I'll do my best to answer them without sounding like a contentious twat. Here goes....

Ok, there are some things that we need to know about trust before we can answer these questions.

What is Trust?
How do you create Trust?

So what is trust? The dictionary defines trust as the "reliance on integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of a person of thing; confidence". But is that all? No. When considering anything else you have to look at how it fits within the greater context of society. Trust is a social construct. This means that trust can only be defined within the limits of society. What trust means to North American Society will differ substantially from what it means to an indigenous African Tribe. It may even differ from North American Society to European Society. You must take that into consideration. So what does that mean? Many things but I like these two the best: "the willingness of one party (trustor) to be vulnerable to the actions of another party (trustee) [and] reasonable expectation (confidence) of the trustor that the trustee will behave in a way beneficial to the trustor." It also means that trust is based in relationships that people have.

So to re-iterate: Trust is a social construct that is based in the relationships that people have where they willingly make themselves vulnerable to the actions of other people in the hopes that they will receive a beneficial outcome.

How do you create trust? First and foremost you must understand that Trust is a Choice. It is not something that is just there, you choose to trust or not trust someone from the minute you meet them. Every relationship you are in has a certain degree of trust and every moment that you have in the relationship works to either build or betray that trust. So how can you build that trust? By knowing what it is you require out of that relationship and communicating that openly, honestly and frankly. People tend to treat others as they are treated. Be trustworthy yourself. It is simple in words and complex in duty. Do what you say you are going to do, be there when you say you are going to be there, don't lie, be honest and others will reciprocate and trust will begin to be built.

So what about Mary's questions?

What about absolute trust?
Without trusting someone, or knowing they trust you, can that relationship work?

Absolute trust is an illusion. It's pretty but it's an illusion. (I feel the same way about Freedom but that's another blog for another day). You can be completely confident in someone and they will still disappoint you at one point or another. It's not cynical, it's realistic but that doesn't mean that they aren't trustworthy, it just means that they are human. If they betray your trust can you still trust them? Yes. Will it be easy, No. Should you go into every relationship with the mindset that you will be betrayed? No. It's not healthy. So, work with the illusion use it, but remember that trust requires work, just like relationships. When something happens to betray that trust you can do one of two things: 1) Give Up and walk away, 2) Figure out what went wrong and work at fixing it. Both choices are completely legitimate depending on the situation. You need to know where your own limits are.

Can a relationship work without trust? No, or at least not for long. Does that mean I have to be in a monogamous relationship to trust a person? No.

Trust doesn't depend on the type of relationship that you have (monogamous or ploy) but the relationship that you have with the person. I could trust a person and have what Mary has, what Mom has or what Grannie has. I could have trust and have what Monk has and what _Merit_ is trying to accomplish. In the same breath I could have either of those situations without trust.

Trust is not build on the type of relationship but on the people in the relationship. It's about open, honest and frank communication between people who have made a commitment to be there for each other.

So to answer what I perceive as the underlying question, Do I need one person the have trust? No. I don't believe so. If I go into a relationship with the mutual understanding (or change the relationship with the mutual understanding) that I am not going to be only with that person than I can still build a trusting relationship. Does it add some new twists and points to consider? God, yes. Very much, yes. For instance, the person I enter the relationship with may not be able to be there. That's his limit and we would part ways. However, the next person that I enter into a relationship with may be OK with having sexual flings on the side of the relationship but not OK with having another serious relationship. And the next person after that may be OK with another serious relationship and not flings. I don't know. Each situation is dependent on itself and the people in it.

Monogamy, Commitment and Relationships in the 21st Century

2010-11-06T04:26:00.000-06:00

I believe that human existance is defined by the relationships that we keep. In fact those relationships are essential to our survival as human beings are socal creatures. We crave interaction with other people. We search it out when it is lacking and we are generally healthier both mentally and physically when we are in positive relationships. We have created complex social structures ranging from family groups to international relationships. Everything we do is dicated by our need for relationships.

I started learning the harsh lessons about relationships early in life. It's not a sob-story, it's just the story of one child who trusted indiscriminantly learning that not every will be or wants to be your friend or is worthy of that trust. It's the story of a teenager learning that there are people out there are deserving of her trust. It's the story of a young woman learning how to love and how to be loved. It's the story of almost every human being. It's as beautiful as it is terrible.

What does it mean?

To anyone but me, not much. It means that I am human and not a particularily interesting one either. There are way more interesting people out there. But it does mean that I question things. After my last relationship I've started to wonder if one person can ever be everything for one other person. I was 24 and I though that I had it all. I had a job and a man that I loved. I knew that both had their flaws. I was working for a non-profit and barely making ends meet some months and my man could be very self involved. He still doesn't see it... he cannot see it. He doesn't know how to look at something from another person's perspective, he can sympathise but he cannot empathise. I had not delusions that I could change him. I simply accepted him for who he was.

You like people regardless of their flaws, you love them because of their flaws.

From him I learned that I was capable of loving someone, that I was capable of being loved. I learned that you need more than just love to make it work. One person alone cannot make a relationship float, you need two people dedicated to working together. I learned that no matter how much you love someone and want to help them you can't make them help or love themselves, they have to want it. I learned that as wrong as it seems YOU are always the most important person in the relationship because if you can't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else.

However, it got me to wondering some things. I wondered if there is such a thing as "the one"? And given that I have found that this video sums up my views on that really well. Go watch it. It's awesome. I'll wait.

Back?

Yes. Good. What did you think? I think that it's probably one of the most honest love songs I've ever heard. It's beautiful, funny and truthful. I also think that he's hit the nail pretty much right on the head when it comes to the concept of there being "the one". There are 6.69 BILLION people on Earth, to say that there is only ONE person out there for each of us is completely and utterly stupid. Love is an emotion that is created over time, given the right set of circumstances there are countless people that you could grow to love. Which leads me to the next question... Can any one person be everything for anyone else?

The simple answer is... I don't know.

This is a wholey new experience for me. I beginning to think that the answer is No and if that is the answer what does it mean for monogamy and the concept of commitment?

I don't know, I'm still working on that one. I'm working on it I promise. The concept of polyamoury mostly terrifies me. Why? Because society tells me that we're supposed to be monogamous and that if you're not monogamous then there's no commitment.

I don't think I agree with this.

I'm not saying monogamy doesn't work. My parents have been married for 30 years now, my grandparents will be 50 years in February. It obviously works for some people. Works being the key word. I don't believe for an instance that they would have lasted this long without a lot of work, dedication and passion. I love watching my grandparents. It's so obvious that they are still in love after all this time. Monogamy works for them. It is beautiful.

But it's a choice and that's the clincher for me. (God, It allways boils down to choice.) We make the choice to be Monogamous and I seriously doubt that it's because what Human's do. I don't buy into it. It doesn't make sense biologically or instinctually. It's culturally learned. And that's not to say that it's WRONG. It's just a choice. It is neither better or worse than the alternatives. It's about what works for that person and I'm beginning to wonder if it's the right choice for ME.

I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? I just don't know. The idea that no one person can be everything for another seems to clash with the desire that I have for stability in a relationship, the desire to be deeply cared for and to have someone there for me when I need them. I was dicussing this briefly with _Merit_ on OKCupid. He actually was able to articulate a lot of what I was trying to sort out in my own head. I still haven't got all of it figured out but I'm getting there... slowly.

Side Note: _Merit_ is all around pretty cool so far but he's awesome because he knows my not-so-secret-secret hero, Monk. Which is damn cool if you ask me.

The next biggest question that I have is how does commitment work in non-mogomamous relationships? The only answer that I can find so far is that there are different kinds of commitment and there are different levels of commitment. How it works or what that means? I really have no bloody clue. Hell I barely know if can work for me. It's just something that I'm playing with right now. Is it something that I can do? Yes. I already know that I can date and be intimate with more than one person at a time however I haven't tried it in a situation beyond casual dating. Can I do it when it involves deeper emotions?

I donno...

_Merit_ and I talked about emotional capacity. And that's where I'm going to find my answer. If I can answer the question: How many people can I deeply care for? than I can work on answering the questions before that. For certain things I know I have a great emotional capacity. I can have had the shittiest day in the world and still be willing to drop everything to be there for someone I care about. I often feel like I give way more than I receive and that's ok, I'm happy when my friends are happy. It's not like they're not there for me. But friendships and family relationships are different from romantic relationships. I put everything into the last one. I put so much in that I came out with nothing left and I don't even want to consider where I would be if it hadn't have been for my friends and family. They were there for me and carried me through the worst of it. (Thanks Everyone!)

So for now... if I'm going to be seeing more than one person I think I'll keep it basically casual. In the future who knows? Ask me when I'm 30. I've got all the time in the world to figure it out. I don't need to have concret answers now, just a direction to travel. I mean, it's all about the journey anyway right?

RE: Open Minds Walk/Run

2010-09-12T17:07:00.000-06:00

Woo!

So my 5k walk was today. It was awesome! Erika and I placed 32nd and 33rd out of 100 some-odd people in our event. It took us 33.13 minutes, which meant that our mean pace was 6.39 km/hr.

Damn.

I was so freaking impressed.

I also raised $130. Thanks to Mom, Dad, Grannie, Grumpy and Sam for your donations.

I think we're doing the Run for the Cure next. I'll keep you posted. If I do that one, I'll actually be campaigning for donations. I'll probably do a lot more of these things. Less for the causes, and more for myself, but really... I'll be helping at the same time.

Here's to be more active. Go me.

Race Day Tomorrow; Oh look.. It's Gushing.

2010-09-11T21:59:00.000-06:00

So it's race day tomorrow. Woo. And by race I mean I'm going on a 5K trail walk. Fuck yah.

Also... I finally cleaned part of my house. It's been driving me NUTS but I haven't felt like I was able to clean it. I decided that today I didn't have a choice and i just needed to clean it. So my bedroom is picked up, my living room is picked up and now I just have to to my dishes.

The next house I live in HAS to have a DISHWASHER...

I also have a HUGE leak in my kitchen sink. It's bad like there's no tomorrow bad... I mean it gushes. I will tell my landlord after I finish the dishes tomorrow evening. It can be fixed then. It'll be entertaining doing dishes. I'll tell you about it when I'm done. I'll also take a video of the gushing... That leak is something everyone should see, it's AMAZING. I mean if it wasn't my kitchen sink I'd be awed. Hell... who am I kidding... I am awed.

It just goes to show you how often I use the kitchen sink if I just noticed it now........

Umm.....

Yah. Dishes tomorrow night. At least half of them so I don't look extra gross. Or Tuesday morning if I'm feeling extra crummy after my walk.

Quick shout people at things! ... PEOPLE!!!!!

2010-08-19T22:33:00.000-06:00

The title is an inside joke.

But more importantly it happened. And it's something I actually said.

My friend Mike and I were driving around in my car, I'm sure there were other people as well but time has lost that part of the memory. He was drunk, if memory serves, or we were just having stupid good times, I don't care which.

I was feeling all sorts of funny and was going to say "Hey Mike, quick yell things at people! It'll be fun!"

Instead I said "Hey Mike, quick yell people at things!"

And he did.

Sponsor me? You know you want to!

2010-08-17T17:54:00.000-06:00

Wha-hahahaha...

So I've registered for the Open Minds Walk & Run in support of the Schizophrenia Society of Alberta. I'm doing the 5K walk. Here's some information about the event: Event Info

I'm doing it for me. I'll probably drag Monster along if they'll let me but I'm really not sure about that one at all. I need to do more.

But if you're feeling inclined to support mental illness in one of its forms please donate. It is a good cause. As someone who lives with/works with/survives/endures/experiences mental illness I know how much easier it is when there's help for you. You get an electronic tax receipt. Yah. Good Stuff All 'Round. It'll give you a warm fuzzy inside and that always feels great!

CLICK ME TO DONATE

My MBTI results: I'm INFJ

2010-08-17T17:43:00.000-06:00

So I was bored when I was supposed to be doing something else... mostly work but I decided that since I did like 3 hours of work at home yesterday it made up for the fact that that I did only 30 minutes of work at home today.

No I do not normally work from home. Yesterday I was feeling ambitious and today I actually was suppose to be working but only for an hour. Yes, yesterday totally makes up for it. And besides, I'll probably do more work later this evening. Good times!

Anyways, I was bored. I made the phone calls that I needed to make (I'm expecting people to call me back so I'll be working then) and I've basically finished my registration, asides from the people that I'm waiting to hear back from. I was damn productive yesterday and this morning. Score!

I decided that I would creep around on okcupid. I was on MY laptop, not my WORK laptop so it was totally legitimate. While I was hanging out, "rolling the dice" I found a guy that opened his self summary with... My MBTI results are blah-blah-blah. I really stopped paying attention after I read MBTI. I decided instantly that I wanted to know my MBTI. I've taken it lots before but I wanted a more up dated result. So I headed over to google to find the first thing that popped up... Wikipedia.

Go Wikipedia.

It actually had some free MBTI tests listed at the bottom of the page so I surfed on over to learn what I could about myself. Here are two links about my MBTI results. *glee*

I like them both and really they have a lot of good and "accurate" things to say.

It gets me thinking though. However often are things like this actually accurate? How much of it is just so general that it fits everyone. Apparently MBTI isn't as accurate as it could be.

But I know that.

The last time I took the same test or at least a very similar one, I did not score INFJ. I don't remember exactly what I score, but I remember it was Extroverted not iNtroverted and Thinking not Feeling. Ahh... Good times.

TaToID Episdoe Two - Am I Gay? Part Five???

2010-08-14T20:41:00.000-06:00

Ugh... So it happened again! He just keeps coming back for more. Also... I'm a terrible person. I wasn't patient. I wasn't supportive but God Damn it! I just couldn't take it anymore. So... here it is... hopefully the final instalment of Am I Gay? Though most certainly not the last of TaToID.

(11:45:09 pm) Confuzzled: Hello how are you doing? I talked to you long time ago I not sure if you remember but I think you awesome.

(11:45:16 pm) somatikmind: yup, how's it going

(11:45:27 pm) Confuzzled: Good thanks

(11:45:41 pm) somatikmind: that's good. so what's new with you

(11:45:45 pm) Confuzzled: I actually enjoyed talking with you as you are a good woman

(11:45:58 pm) Confuzzled: Oh I am working full time in Sales now and going good

(11:46:05 pm) somatikmind: that's good

(11:46:12 pm) Confuzzled: Things starting to come together slowly but surely, No girlfriends or anything yet but maybe one day

(11:46:24 pm) somatikmind: that tends to be the way life goes

(11:46:41 pm) Confuzzled: Yes you are right things not happen over night

(11:47:22 pm) Confuzzled: Whats new with you beautiful?

(11:48:02 pm) Confuzzled: I not sure what I all shared before but hope not too bad.

(11:48:15 pm) somatikmind: Not bad at all

(11:48:39 pm) Confuzzled: Okay thats good because I a few times just needed to talk and not sure all I said.

(11:48:57 pm) somatikmind: that's allowed. We all need to talk occasionally

(11:49:36 pm) Confuzzled: yes true enough and working on relationships as well sometimes not sure if some things I do mean anything or just kind of happen

(11:50:27 pm) Confuzzled: I mean when we do things drunk does it really mean we are doing what we wanted to?

(11:50:59 pm) somatikmind: what a drunk man says a sober man thinks

(11:51:32 pm) Confuzzled: okay so when we do things drunk it is what we really wanted to then?

(11:52:08 pm) somatikmind: possibly

(11:52:21 pm) Confuzzled: ok even what I shared before then?

(11:52:36 pm) somatikmind: I can't say yes or no

(11:52:41 pm) Confuzzled: ok

(11:52:44 pm) somatikmind: I've told you that numerous times

(11:52:59 pm) Confuzzled: But chances are I wanted to right and need to accept it

(11:53:00 pm) somatikmind: you have to come to the decision if it was what you wanted, and you need to come to terms with it

(11:53:29 pm) Confuzzled: yes you are right. Maybe just a little scared to admit it and accept it I guess

(11:54:21 pm) somatikmind: that's allowed

(11:54:31 pm) Confuzzled: yes thanks

(11:54:37 pm) somatikmind: No worries

(11:54:42 pm) Confuzzled: So I should admit it then ? admit I might be gay

(11:56:11 pm) somatikmind: STOP. OK... I'm done. You are NOT HEARING what I am saying. No more. FINE, I'll tell you what you want to hear... You're bloody Fag. Go out and find some nice boy and suck his cock, get fucked in the ass but please stop asking someone else to validate your life for you

(11:56:31 pm) Confuzzled: ok thanks I sorry then

(11:56:46 pm) somatikmind: Don't be sorry

(11:56:50 pm) somatikmind: Suck it up

(11:57:00 pm) Confuzzled: yes I will always then

(11:57:14 pm) somatikmind: Or go hire a fucking therapist and stop asking me for validation

(11:57:14 pm) Confuzzled: I know I will accept it

(11:57:24 pm) somatikmind: there you go

(11:57:37 pm) Confuzzled: yes thanks I wont ask you again I promise

(11:58:30 pm) Confuzzled: ok I will let you go and take care hope you enjoy the night and good week

That was the extent of that. He actually deleted his account a couple days later. I feel like super bitch.... I actually almost feel bad about what I said. However, someone once told me that a kick in the pants is still a step forward.

So... hopefully no more crazy people for awhile. I need significantly less crazy in my life for a little while.

My LONG term education Goals... Man have things changed since High School

2010-08-14T20:02:00.000-06:00

If you asked me in Grade 12 what I was going to be in when I grew up I would've said: High School Science Teacher. If you asked me in Grade 9 I would've said: High School Teacher. If you asked me in Grade 6 I would have said a teacher. It goes on and one except for Grade 5 when I wanted to be a lawyer because I liked to argue.

I always wanted to be a teacher. When pressed for why I would have said because I wanted to inspire children and youth the way some of my favourite teachers inspired me. I wanted to instill the love of a subject into a student because I loved it and they found my enthusiasm catching.

I have a favourite memory of Chemistry 20. I was taking it in Grade 10 because I wanted to take Chem 30 in Grade 11. I enjoyed my decision. It like Chemistry, especially Chem 20. Mrs. C was either sick or at some kind of conference I do not remember which but either way we had a sub, Mr. J. Mr. J was probably my favourite science teacher if only because his enthusiasm for everything he taught was so exceptional. He was also my Physics 20 and 30 tutor. I have learned a lot from this man.

The class was during our Org Chem unit. We were learning about the different electrons in the atoms and how they interacted with each other when they were in molecules. He started getting into the the different types of orbitals: s, p and d are the ones we looked, and how their shape affected the shape of the molecule. It wasn't something that we were supposed to learn until first year Org Chem and so many of my classmates were frustrated by not learning something that we were supposed to be learning. They were bored or in over their heads. I remember HH leaning over the me and saying... Do you understand any of this? It makes no sense to me at all. (My sister would get a kick out of that seeing as how she feels towards that particular individual). I answered truthfully that while it didn't make 100% sense I had a pretty good grasp of what he was talking about and I was really enjoying learning about something that was new and exciting. She thought I was nuts.

It was Mr. J's enthusiasm that grabbed me that day. That day I wanted to be Chemistry teacher.My mind changed many times after that but I never strayed from the pursuit of becoming a teacher.

I've been involved in early childhood education for 6 years now and while it's not where I thought I'd end up it's definitely still in education. I love being a teacher. I love watching the new understanding flit across a child's face when something finally hits home for the first time. It is heady stuff. There is a reason why teachers make such an impact in the lives of our children and I witness it each and every day.

I recently applied to the Human Resources Management Diploma Program at GMU. It is decidedly not in the Education field but after 2 years as the assistant director at GUCC and now being a PD with the Y... I think I know what I really finally want to do with my life. I'm 26 and its just finally starting to fall into place and make sense.

As much as I really love being a teacher. There is something about being in management. I don't quite understand it myself. It's not the same heady experience. It's something that calls to me. It takes a keen eye and trust to realise what person would be good for what job, who works well together and how to mitigate when things go wrong. You need to know people. You need to understand people. You need to be able to see people for all their strengths and weaknesses.

It's a challenge. It's not something that I can just do unlike the childcare positions I've been in. Guaranteed, there is a certain amount of natural aptitude that needs to be present, which I have, but it constantly keeps me thinking and moving; trying to find new ways to solve old problems.

My goal and believe this is LONG term, is to get my CHRP (Certified Human Resources Professional) designation. To do that I need a Bachelor's degree. Right now that is not something that I can think about, but I also need a certain number of years of experience in the HR field. I can't remember how many off the top of my head. And there's two exams to pass in the mean time, one you would take right after your diploma/degree was finished and the other you would take after so many years of experience.

So I am starting on my journey. Hopefully this September I'll be granted admission to GMU, though probably not to the HRM program. Mostly because I didn't get my application in until just a couple days ago. If they grant me admission to the school and not the program I can take up to 3 courses before declaring my program... I would take ONE this fall semester and declare my program in the winter semester. Getting my HRM diploma part time is going to take 4 years. (It would be 2 if I went to school full time but that's not gonna happen. I just can't afford to drop out of the work force). After that another 4 more years to complete a bachelor's degree, probably the Bachelor of Commerce, also from GMU. I need a 3.0-4.0 to even be considered for admission.

It scares me a little.

But I know I can do it.

So here's to the future and whatever it will bring.

oh come here and let me fiddle with you...

2010-08-12T00:23:00.000-06:00

Playing around with the new template designer on blogger... Fun stuff.

I was inspired by Sam's flashy new blog, very pretty, and decided that mine needed an update. The purple was getting a little bit boring shall we say and I don't think that it really suited the personality of the writer or blog.

We'll see how I feel about this one. It's very... peaceful... but honestly I'm really not done fiddling yet. I'm having WAY too much fun so don't be too surprised to come back to something different again, maybe something flashier... I donno yet.

In the mean time please enjoy this cute little picture I found one day. I have NOT A CLUE where it came from but it certainly isn't mine. If anyone knows whose it is please let me know and I'll give credit where credit is due.

The Right Choice isn't always the Easy Choice....

2010-08-06T15:03:00.002-06:00

No, it's not.

I did the right thing today. I helped a friend that wouldn't help himself. I took away his choice and forced him to get the help that he needed. He probably hates me right now. At least that's what I would think considering the texts he is sending me.

It makes me sad, it makes me wonder if what I did was the right thing. There's some pretty hurtful things that he's said now. I've asked him to. I've told him that I can't talk to him anymore unless he actually gets the help that he needs. I've been trying to help for almost and year and a half now and he still refuses to help himself.

There is only so much that a person can do.

So yesterday I helped him the only way I had left. I don't know if he'll accept it. I don't know if he'll appreciate it. All I know is that I've done all that I can and I hope that he'll one day be able to help himself.

I wash my hands of it.

I haven't responded to a single text he's sent since last night. I don't want to delete them. I read them just in case they get really nasty and I have to do something about it. It's not every day that you're asked to come end a life one minute, sexually harassed/abused the next minute, and then told how much you've screwed up a life the one after that. It was terrifying.

I didn't want this to end that way. I didn't want to have to make ultimatums. I wanted to try to be friends. I'm not very good about cutting people out of my life, I don't like it. But as my wonderful friend CB pointed out he's hurt me more than enough and he just keeps hurting me. He's a toxic relationship and sometimes you just have to cut the ties and end it.

It hurts more than I thought it would but less at the same time.

He keeps texting me. It's really starting to piss me off.

I'll tell him once more to stop and if he doesn't I'm going to go talk to someone about what measures I can take to make him stop. It's time to start looking out for me.

My Cavity: What a hole!

2010-08-04T11:32:00.003-06:00

Ok... This is going to be short and sweet because I can't feel my face, can't eat for another 30 minutes and am worried that when I do finally eat I'll bite off my tongue. So I kinda want to go to sleep until the freezing wears off.

Also.. my ear is froze, my eye was froze and my scalp feels funny as hell. BUT! My lip is tingling again, I'm taking that as a good sign as it stopped tingling a while before Dr. C started my fillings.

So, there I was head tipped back big old purple rubber dental dam shoved in my mouth waiting for Dr. C to show up and drill away part of my tooth. Well, to be precise, part of two of my teeth. Yes. Two cavities. Actually, I feel rather impressed that I only had two after not going for 5+ years. I rock.

He starts drilling away... WRRRRRRRR... Can't really feel anything but pressure. I mean what the hell? You won't feel a thing they tell you. No. You won't feel pain, which is GOOD! But there's still pressure. I don't mind but still false advertising is false advertising. ;)

I've managed to score a great position in that stupid chair. There's a mirror in the light above me and I can see what they're doing! It's fucking awesome. I wish I could watch all my dental work. It makes it less painful and a hell of a lot more interesting. I like watching things. I mean it's my body I think I have a right to know what's going on with it.

Dr. C doesn't do silver fillings. They have mercury in them, which is poisonous. Mercury vapour is known to leak out of them in the oral cavity. I've never had an amalgam filling. Mom had the dentist do the bonded tooth colour ones. Aesthetically, WAY BETTER. Also while I was waiting for my second appointment I read a pamphlet about them. The bonded fillings "stick" to all sides of your tooth. The amalgam fillings don't. When they drill the hole in the tooth for the amalgam fillings, they make the hole bigger on the bottom than on the top. This is so the filling doesn't fall out. This can create stress on the tooth, during chewing and such things, the filling moves around which creates little stress fractures in the tooth until eventually... *POP* off falls the tooth. Joy.

So thanks mom for getting me the pretty fillings. You Rock.

Ok... back to my story.

There I was watching in the mirror as Dr. C drilled away at my tooth, and drilled away, and drilled away. "Interesting"

Apparently my teeny, tiny cavity was actually a monster in disguise! (Well... No, but it was a lot bigger than he was expecting.) After he finished drilling it all out he asked me if I wanted to take a look at it, hells ya!

It was really cool looking actually. There in the back of one of my lower molars was a HUGE hole, or at least a hell of a lot huger than I was expecting. I mean I knew I had the cavity, I could see it when I was brushing my teeth. But still. Dr. C said apparently I was tasty. Woo. Then I settled back down to watch him fill it. It was really neat. There's a hell of a lot more that goes on than I really expected it.

The rest of the appointment was pretty dull. Got my teeth cleaned, polished and had fluoride. It was grape. YUM!

Next appointment is in March. I'll be going back in for a cleaning and check up. I'm also going to talk to Dr. C more about getting somethings for my bruxism, which means I clench my teeth while I sleep, and about getting my wisdom teeth removed. Apparently he can do all four there under a local. Which sounds swell.

It was nice to have a completely positive dental experience. The last guy I went to was an idiot. But Dr. N was awesome. Stupid guy in the middle. I bit him. He deserved it. Fucker. I mean... It was an ACCIDENT. I swear.

I warned Dr. C, let me know what you're doing. Tell me when you're going to stick me with a needle, don't sneak it up on me, I bit the last dentist who did that. So he listened and talked to me through the process. It was great. Also... got to have a bite block, which was awesome! Normally my jaw is damn sore after having a cavity filled from holding it open. This time I just got to rest my jaw on a piece of rubber. Dr. C made a joke as he pulled out after we were done... Hey bite down on that, then you can know what a fish feels like! It had a piece of floss attached to it to pull out easier.

So all in all a very positive experience. If any one wants a referral let me know. I'll give you his card. Awesome dentist, great dental hygienist. She was awesome too.

TaToID Episdoe Two - Am I Gay? Part Four

2010-05-24T22:27:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's late. And here's the rest of it. I'm done after this one. I have other things that I want to blog about. Better more exciting things. Happier things. Political type things. I have PLANS! Let's see if I stick to them.

(11:34:22 pm) somatikmind: I doubt that every dick you see gets you hard

(11:34:30 pm) Confuzzled: true

(11:34:44 pm) Confuzzled: But every dick i sucked i kind of liked

(11:35:26 pm) somatikmind: well than, you're ahead of me. But that being said I sucked some cocks that were attached to real assholes.

(11:35:37 pm) Confuzzled: ok

(11:35:49 pm) somatikmind: meh

(11:35:52 pm) Confuzzled: Well i sucked a few cocks I liked a lot

(11:35:57 pm) somatikmind: Good

(11:36:04 pm) Confuzzled: i liked

(11:36:25 pm) Confuzzled: i been thinking of lately cock

(11:36:31 pm) Confuzzled: I not sure why

(11:36:32 pm) somatikmind: then go get some

(11:36:44 pm) Confuzzled: But i would love to be married to a woman

(11:37:14 pm) somatikmind: then find a girl who's willing to wear a strap on and make you suck her cock like the good little bitch you are. I donno.

(11:37:19 pm) Confuzzled: do I need to accept I like sucking cock?

(11:37:39 pm) Confuzzled: yes i want to be a good little bitch

(11:37:48 pm) somatikmind: you need to ask yourself why you like it so much.

(11:37:59 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:38:10 pm) somatikmind: Do you like it because you like cock.

(11:38:21 pm) somatikmind: or do you like it because you're being told to do it

(11:38:22 pm) Confuzzled: you think I want cock more because i like more than pussy

(11:38:46 pm) somatikmind: I don't know

(11:38:58 pm) Confuzzled: i know you probably right friend

(11:39:21 pm) somatikmind: I mean you responded really well to my little bitch statement.

(11:39:29 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:39:34 pm) Confuzzled: well you right

(11:39:52 pm) somatikmind: Does the thought of a woman wearing a strap on and telling you to suck it make you hot?

(11:40:08 pm) somatikmind: Does the thought of a woman dominating you make you hot?

(11:40:22 pm) Confuzzled: well her telling me to suck does maybe or maybe not a strap on

(11:41:02 pm) somatikmind: then you're probably going to either have to get a lot more flexible or find a pre-op trannie.

(11:41:02 pm) Confuzzled: maybe i do like cock and scared to admit it

(11:41:45 pm) somatikmind: you may want to consider that. But it’s not the be all and end all

(11:41:55 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:42:16 pm) somatikmind: sexuality is more fluid than people give it credit for

(11:42:19 pm) Confuzzled: you think I might want cock more than and need to admit something?

(11:42:32 pm) somatikmind: do you?

(11:42:48 pm) somatikmind: or are you looking for someone to tell you that it's ok if you're gay?

(11:42:53 pm) Confuzzled: you think I do friend?

(11:43:11 pm) somatikmind: I don't know.

(11:43:15 pm) Confuzzled: maybe you are right and I not sure

(11:43:24 pm) Confuzzled: I never had many friends before

(11:44:40 pm) Confuzzled: maybe I need a friend to tell me how it really is

(11:44:57 pm) somatikmind: No

(11:45:13 pm) somatikmind: No friend can tell you whether you are gay or not

(11:45:22 pm) Confuzzled: true

(11:45:41 pm) somatikmind: no friend can tell you whether you are bisexual or straight

(11:45:46 pm) Confuzzled: I did like sucking cock for some reason and kept going back after first time

(11:46:11 pm) somatikmind: it excites you and it gets you hot

(11:46:20 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:46:27 pm) Confuzzled: it does

(11:46:33 pm) somatikmind: so maybe you should experiment some more

(11:46:41 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:46:49 pm) Confuzzled: I want to suck cock more

(11:47:00 pm) Confuzzled: I like to do that and be on my knees

(11:47:32 pm) somatikmind: than do it

(11:47:43 pm) Confuzzled: i swallowed cum a few times once not on purpose

(11:48:05 pm) somatikmind: well a good little bitch always swallows I was having one of those days where I feeling very cheeky. I don't think it bothered him much.

(11:48:07 pm) Confuzzled: should i be fucked in my ass

(11:48:17 pm) somatikmind: I can't answer that one for you

(11:48:23 pm) Confuzzled: yes i like to be a good little bitch

(11:48:31 pm) somatikmind: you need to ask yourself if you want to be

(11:48:49 pm) somatikmind: ask yourself if the idea makes you hot and hard

(11:48:49 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:49:15 pm) Confuzzled: i need to be right

(11:49:21 pm) somatikmind: You answer it, I will not be responsible

(11:49:41 pm) somatikmind: do you want to be fucked in the ass

(11:49:41 pm) Confuzzled: if i like does it mean me gay?

(11:49:58 pm) Confuzzled: i fingered my ass a few times

(11:50:21 pm) somatikmind: good, then you already know the basics of how to start, with fingers.

(11:50:33 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:50:40 pm) Confuzzled: it felt different

(11:50:49 pm) somatikmind: did it feel good?

(11:50:59 pm) Confuzzled: a little i guess yes

(11:51:43 pm) Confuzzled: do i sound gay to you friend? Honestly?

(11:52:47 pm) somatikmind: again I ask, is that a bad thing?

(11:53:01 pm) Confuzzled: just want to be honest with you always

(11:53:22 pm) somatikmind: honesty with your self is the most important thing

(11:53:38 pm) Confuzzled: yes and tired of being all alone

(11:54:00 pm) somatikmind: that is no reason to decide that you are gay though

(11:54:19 pm) Confuzzled: yes I know you right.

(11:54:41 pm) Confuzzled: I did enjoy sucking cock and smooth soft skin

(11:54:54 pm) somatikmind: it is wonderfully textured isn't it?

(11:55:00 pm) Confuzzled: I never kissed him but he wanted me to

(11:55:04 pm) somatikmind: velvet steel

(11:55:09 pm) somatikmind: why didn't you?

(11:55:14 pm) Confuzzled: Yes it is nice and feels good

(11:55:18 pm) Confuzzled: I was scared

(11:55:26 pm) Confuzzled: I kind of wanted to really

(11:55:37 pm) Confuzzled: he was Fillipino and smooth skin

(11:56:13 pm) somatikmind: scared is allowed

(11:56:19 pm) Confuzzled: he wanted to fuck me in the ass if i had lube and condemnd but i didnt

(11:56:34 pm) somatikmind: but don't let fear hold you back from things

(11:56:43 pm) Confuzzled: I think i might of let him if he wanted as for some reason i liked him a bit

(11:56:55 pm) somatikmind: do you still know him?

(11:57:07 pm) Confuzzled: no i tried but never found him

(11:57:15 pm) somatikmind: ahh

(11:57:22 pm) Confuzzled: I was scared i would of wanted to practise lots more

(11:58:03 pm) somatikmind: there are many other guys out there that I'm sure would be willing to help you experiment and learn if you are interested

(11:58:09 pm) Confuzzled: yes I liked sucking his cock and feeling his smooth skin and cuddled a bit and he was kind of cute

(11:59:10 pm) Confuzzled: i swallowed his cum once

(11:59:24 pm) Confuzzled: I guess I liked a bit as I swallowed it all

(11:59:26 pm) somatikmind: I take it you were with him more than once

(11:59:54 pm) Confuzzled: well 2 times to be honest my first 2 times sober and thats it

(12:00:34 am) somatikmind: well consider looking at short term dating with some guys

(12:00:39 am) somatikmind: see what happens

(12:00:51 am) Confuzzled: he wanted to know if i licked ass hole and said no and i dont i think it called rimming

(12:01:00 am) somatikmind: yupper

(12:01:27 am) Confuzzled: you think it good i look for a guy then?

(12:02:16 am) Confuzzled: I am meant for guys right?

(12:02:27 am) somatikmind: huh?

(12:03:02 am) Confuzzled: better I have boyfriend then girlfriend right?

(12:03:10 am) somatikmind: I donno

(12:03:20 am) somatikmind: which do you prefer more?

(12:03:37 am) Confuzzled: really?

(12:03:48 am) somatikmind: really. Be honest with yourself

(12:04:08 am) Confuzzled: woman but think of sucking cock

(12:05:04 am) somatikmind: Have you thought about talking to someone like a therapist about it?

(12:05:13 am) Confuzzled: yes i know dont know why I am like this honestly

(12:05:28 am) somatikmind: I'm not saying it’s bad.

(12:05:45 am) Confuzzled: or think need to admit i like sucking cock more?

(12:05:52 am) somatikmind: It just sounds to be like you are really confused about things and that maybe talking to someone with more training in these areas might be able to help you sort things out more

(12:06:33 am) Confuzzled: sometimes as never really had girlfriends and roommates saying me gay

(12:06:46 am) somatikmind: who cares what your roommates said

(12:06:59 am) Confuzzled: i do. I liked her

(12:07:04 am) somatikmind: YOU need to figure out what is right for YOU

(12:07:13 am) Confuzzled: I would of sucked cock if she wanted. I would of

(12:07:41 am) somatikmind: if she told you to suck her cock what would you have said/done?

(12:07:57 am) Confuzzled: i would of

(12:08:18 am) Confuzzled: i would of said yes Goddess and did it

(12:08:33 am) Confuzzled: Goddess [Name]

(12:09:14 am) Confuzzled: I since moved to Edmonton just over 5 years ago have in last bit maybe sucked more cock then pussy

(12:09:35 am) Confuzzled: I would of and if her boyfriend I would be pleased to do as told I think he needs to find a nice couple that could help him out with this here fantasy.

(12:11:33 am) Confuzzled: i sucked cock 10 times drunk and 2 times sober at most i promise

(12:11:46 am) somatikmind: stop promising me things

(12:11:55 am) Confuzzled: ok i sorry

(12:12:14 am) somatikmind: I honestly don't care how many times you've sucked cock. Stop counting. Stop obsessing.

(12:12:17 am) Confuzzled: you believe me right

(12:12:48 am) Confuzzled: ok you right

(12:13:01 am) somatikmind: You need to stop and give yourself permission to be ok with this.

(12:13:13 am) Confuzzled: guess need to accept who i am

(12:13:29 am) somatikmind: not who you are, but what you've done.

(12:13:42 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:13:43 am) somatikmind: it's not a bad and horrible thing that you've done

(12:13:51 am) Confuzzled: true

(12:14:02 am) Confuzzled: I just feel bad sometimes thats all

(12:14:18 am) somatikmind: why

(12:14:34 am) Confuzzled: brought up in a Christian church

(12:14:44 am) Confuzzled: and never planned on any of it

(12:15:01 am) Confuzzled: i not religious but ya

(12:15:15 am) somatikmind: Catholic guilt as it were. I can understand. But ALL SEX is a part of nature

(12:15:50 am) Confuzzled: but when I was doing act although nervous i felt stimulated and good

(12:16:08 am) somatikmind: that's because we are created to enjoy sex

(12:16:27 am) Confuzzled: yes and I liked it very much right or wrong

(12:16:37 am) somatikmind: if there is a g!d, than I really doubt that he/she wanted sex to strictly procreative in nature

(12:17:15 am) Confuzzled: true

(12:17:27 am) Confuzzled: So i should keep doing it then ?

(12:17:35 am) somatikmind: if you enjoy it

(12:17:42 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:17:51 am) somatikmind: than what's so bad about it

(12:19:57 am) Confuzzled: figure I should swallow? just asking

(12:20:09 am) somatikmind: that is strictly up to you

(12:20:10 am) Confuzzled: ok

(12:21:23 am) Confuzzled: figure I need to admit i am gay then? or bi?

(12:21:34 am) somatikmind: I can't answer these questions for you, only you can. do you think you need to?

(12:22:07 am) Confuzzled: just asking your advice if you in this position thats all

(12:22:27 am) somatikmind: If I was in your position

(12:22:54 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:22:57 am) somatikmind: Well, from the sounds of it I grew up in a lot more open home

(12:23:15 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:23:28 am) somatikmind: If I was attracted to women instead of men it wouldn't be a big deal

(12:24:18 am) Confuzzled: okay well me I would never tell my parents or sisters or that I sucked a cock a no no

(12:24:39 am) Confuzzled: mind you none of their business

(12:24:51 am) somatikmind: and that's your prerogative

(12:25:18 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:25:48 am) somatikmind: the most important thing that you can do is be honest with yourself

(12:25:54 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:26:44 am) Confuzzled: I mean so I liked the filipino guy who had a girl like face and fem fetures it seemed and smooth soft skin and nice cock and well I pleased him

(12:27:01 am) somatikmind: that's allowed

(12:27:24 am) Confuzzled: ok

(12:27:53 am) Confuzzled: he was cute I would of kissed him if we met again

(12:28:08 am) somatikmind: and that's allowed to

(12:28:22 am) somatikmind: never feel bad about feelings that you have.

(12:28:34 am) Confuzzled: yes he was nice and I liked pleasing him and was good

(12:28:57 am) somatikmind: good

(12:29:46 am) Confuzzled: i would of done again and well honestly if he wanted to I would of let him fuck me in the ass as I liked him

(12:30:11 am) somatikmind: again, that's allowed! It's ok!

(12:30:41 am) Confuzzled: yes he like had me hypnotised

(12:31:45 am) Confuzzled: one guy kissed me once

(12:32:00 am) somatikmind: and that was...

(12:32:19 am) Confuzzled: I not sure what to think. I was drinking and he said I going to kiss you again and I basically let him for some reason

(12:32:44 am) somatikmind: well how did it feel?

(12:33:03 am) Confuzzled: it was different but i guess okay kind of

(12:33:36 am) Confuzzled: i also fucked a guy once in the ass

(12:33:52 am) somatikmind: what did you think of that?

(12:34:08 am) Confuzzled: tight and liked some what to be honest

(12:34:50 am) somatikmind: would you do it again?

(12:34:58 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:35:16 am) Confuzzled: i think i would do all again friend

(12:36:01 am) Confuzzled: yes i enjoyed it very much

(12:38:22 am) Confuzzled: i need to practise i guess to be better and satisfy more

(12:38:37 am) somatikmind: you need to do what you feel is right

(12:39:12 am) Confuzzled: yes i need to do this cock sucking and practise as thats part of me i guess

(12:39:26 am) somatikmind: there you go

(12:39:42 am) Confuzzled: yes i am kind of gay maybe

(12:39:47 am) somatikmind: it's allowed

(12:40:01 am) Confuzzled: i want cock so much

(12:40:08 am) somatikmind: than go get some!

(12:40:12 am) somatikmind: get that cock!

(12:40:13 am) Confuzzled: maybe i need to just admit i like it more

(12:40:18 am) somatikmind: maybe

(12:40:30 am) Confuzzled: is it good ?

(12:40:43 am) somatikmind: liking cock?

(12:40:48 am) Confuzzled: yes

(12:40:53 am) somatikmind: I like it

(12:40:55 am) Confuzzled: will we still be friends

(12:41:00 am) Confuzzled: even if a phase

(12:41:29 am) somatikmind: sweetie as long as you aren't forcing anyone or fucking children I think we can still be friendly

(12:42:16 am) Confuzzled: thanks as i like to be friends and honest and I really do think of cock always and love sucking it and well at least we both like it

(12:42:31 am) somatikmind: there you go!

(12:42:53 am) Confuzzled: i cant fight it

(12:43:12 am) somatikmind: and you need to be ok with it

(12:43:12 am) Confuzzled: i need it

(12:43:42 am) Confuzzled: yes so do i need to admit i am gay and accept then friend?

(12:44:58 am) somatikmind: I can't answer that. You need to accept who you are and you need to decide who you are

(12:45:17 am) Confuzzled: yes i know you right

(12:45:53 am) Confuzzled: is it possible to change ever?

(12:46:05 am) somatikmind: I donno.

(12:46:19 am) Confuzzled: or am i born gay?

(12:46:52 am) somatikmind: it's a nature vs nurture argument

(12:47:04 am) Confuzzled: true

(12:47:25 am) somatikmind: you are what you are

(12:47:47 am) Confuzzled: does sucking cock make you gay always ? or do you need miore than that to count

(12:51:57 am) Confuzzled: ok I get the idea

(12:52:11 am) somatikmind: sorry... I kinda passed out on the poor kid. (Yes, he's 33 and I'm calling him a kid. So sue me. That's what I was apologising for. The conversation quickly ended from here.

(12:52:18 am) somatikmind: I'm getting really tired

(12:52:20 am) Confuzzled: it oj

(12:52:25 am) Confuzzled: It ok I mean

(12:52:40 am) Confuzzled: no worries I more than that and a good person

(12:52:45 am) somatikmind: yah

(12:52:50 am) Confuzzled: I just blabering on sorry

(12:53:09 am) somatikmind: no worries

(12:53:18 am) somatikmind: but I have to go to bed now

(12:53:18 am) Confuzzled: i just no friends really

(12:53:32 am) Confuzzled: ok dear good night sweet dreams

(12:53:38 am) somatikmind: nighters

(12:53:38 am) Confuzzled: hugs

(12:54:07 am) Confuzzled: you are still cute

(12:54:13 am) Confuzzled: bye

Ok... That was the final instalment of TaToID: Am I Gay? I do have some other things to share a in TaToID but not a lot more honestly. I've kinda found someone... He's awesome, amazing, wonderful and he makes me feel happy and cared for. But that's all I'm going to share for now. I promised that if I ever blogged about him I would warn him first and let him know what I was going to say; so I'm not getting into other details.

The next blog I do will not be a TaToID. It will be something else. I'm not sure yet as I have several ideas running through my head. I have to pick on and most of them actually need some research involved. So... Until next time readers, Ciao.

TaToID Episdoe Two - Am I Gay? Part Three

2010-05-09T14:30:00.002-06:00

Ok... Welcome back. This is where things start to really take off. I've edited out some of the more mundane things that we talked about in an effort to fit more in. I mean who wants to read about us talking about how I sleep in my bed and that Monster takes up WAY more room than any chihuahua should. This time there are are comments and they are bolded, I actually did then this time. Woo!

(10:52:32 pm) Confuzzled: But yes my last room mates they not know me well and I use to being single

(10:54:24 pm) Confuzzled: so you have experimented before when drunk? You have an open mind then friendt? Just asking thats all

(10:55:57 pm) somatikmind: I've kissed other girls, sober and drunk. But really it was more just for fun than anything else. Though I think given the right opportunity I might have experimented more when I was a bit younger.

(10:56:33 pm) Confuzzled: ok Well I never really kissed a guy but have done something else not planned though

(10:56:40 pm) somatikmind: what?

(10:56:53 pm) Confuzzled: you really like to know?

(10:57:02 pm) somatikmind: if you're willing to share.

(10:57:11 pm) somatikmind: if not. No worries

(10:57:28 pm) Confuzzled: ok well I ended up sucking cock a few times drunk and once sober

(10:58:49 pm) somatikmind: so in all honesty, without meaning to be rude or otherwise... how'd that go for you?

(11:00:38 pm) Confuzzled: well I was first drunk at a place called peep shows and I was drunk and lonely and well asked 3 times to have my cock sucked and i neglected then i accepted having my cock sucked and felt good. then went back and ended up sucking cock and it was different. I do not think I really liked much at all, maybe a bit

(11:01:59 pm) Confuzzled: never fucked in the ass I promise

(11:02:39 pm) somatikmind: so? That wouldn't have bothered me in the least. I have a friend that just fucking loves it when his girlfriend pegs him. OK Not really my friend but a friend of friend. Its the idea that counts. And I kept feeling like I had to reassure this guy for whatever reason

(11:02:54 pm) Confuzzled: really

(11:03:05 pm) somatikmind: yah.

(11:03:09 pm) Confuzzled: wow

(11:03:11 pm) somatikmind: there's nothing wrong with it

(11:03:40 pm) somatikmind: sex needs to be three things only: safe, sane and consensual. This is what the basis of all sex should be for everyone. Start here and then work on the three Gs: Good, Giving and Game. And if you can master these things you should have no regrets about whatever kinds of sex you are having. That's right. I mixed a little "sex ed" into my blog. Didn't see that coming did you? ;)

(11:03:46 pm) Confuzzled: I admit i maybe liked sucking cock a little but maybe it was because drunk or because lonley

(11:04:54 pm) somatikmind: did you ever think that you might have liked it because it was taboo? That it was something that you "weren't supposed to be doing"

(11:05:06 pm) Confuzzled: maybe

(11:05:16 pm) Confuzzled: I am not gay though honestly

(11:05:20 pm) Confuzzled: i like woman

(11:05:35 pm) somatikmind: relax. No worries.

(11:05:42 pm) Confuzzled: ok

(11:05:57 pm) Confuzzled: Anything you want to know I will tell you I promise

(11:07:56 pm) Confuzzled: I once sucked a guys cock while sober and he told me he was going to cum and for some reason i kept sucking it and i swallowed all his cum not sure why This was a bit of a segue. Unprompted for the most part. I really think this guy just wanted to talk to someone that would accept him at face value and not expect anything out of him or condemn him for doing something that wasn't "right"

(11:09:23 pm) Confuzzled: yes so it doesnt mean anything right? Honestly what do you think?

(11:10:46 pm) somatikmind: Things only mean what we want them to mean. Reality is subjective. The question is - do you want it to mean something?

(11:11:18 pm) Confuzzled: right. You think I like sucking cock then ? or just had a experience?

(11:11:54 pm) Confuzzled: i not sure what to think

(11:12:07 pm) somatikmind: That is totally and completely allowed

(11:12:25 pm) Confuzzled: i never planned it i promise

(11:12:39 pm) Confuzzled: it kind of just happened

(11:13:20 pm) somatikmind: than it happened. Don't stress about it. And really, hypothetically what would be so wrong or bad about being gay?

(11:13:54 pm) Confuzzled: you think i could be gay then you think?

(11:14:22 pm) Confuzzled: I not sure as I was brought up it wrong and never imagined sucking cock to begin with I see where this is going now. Fucking religion has destroyed more than it has built sometimes. Why can't people just accept things as they are? We're not all supposed to be the same damn it! Fucking cookie cutters. Gah!

(11:15:27 pm) somatikmind: So... what are your fantasies like? When you daydream, when you masturbate. Be honest. You don't have to tell me but be honest with yourself.

(11:15:57 pm) Confuzzled: i think of sucking cock sometimes

(11:16:51 pm) somatikmind: does it make you hot? Does it make you hard? Does the thought of taking a rock hard cock in your mouth make you so hard it hurts?

(11:17:07 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:17:09 pm) somatikmind: the same thing applies... does going down on a girl make you hard

(11:17:19 pm) Confuzzled: sometimes

(11:17:38 pm) Confuzzled: depends who she is I guess

(11:17:53 pm) somatikmind: does the thought of making her scream as you work her clit make you want fuck her senseless

(11:18:05 pm) Confuzzled: sometimes yes

(11:18:56 pm) Confuzzled: I have been thinking of cock lately and having a woman tell me to open wide as she has a surprise and eyes closed and then before know it I sucking cock

(11:19:48 pm) Confuzzled: i think since first time I sucked cock I liked a little more not sure why

(11:20:11 pm) somatikmind: I like it because I hold the power in that moment.

(11:20:29 pm) somatikmind: I have the power to make him cum and lose his self in that moment

(11:20:37 pm) Confuzzled: yes i know you are right

(11:21:11 pm) Confuzzled: I did enjoy sucking cock even time he cum in my mouth

(11:21:34 pm) Confuzzled: he had me please him and never pleased me

(11:21:46 pm) somatikmind: well, personally that's not fair

(11:21:54 pm) somatikmind: I mean at least return the favour

(11:22:20 pm) Confuzzled: yes but he said i needed the practise and i liked on my knees for him at the time some what

(11:23:30 pm) Confuzzled: I promise I never had cock in my ass but one time fingered

(11:25:19 pm) Confuzzled: I havent sucked cock in 5-6 months. You think I should? I just asking.

(11:25:36 pm) somatikmind: Ok... look, I wouldn't care if you had ever had a cock in your ass. Hell, I'd probably ask you if you enjoyed it. And what about it you enjoyed. Anal sex is pretty good in its own right. And you've totally got the whole prostate thing going for you.

(11:25:46 pm) somatikmind: And you should only suck cock if you want to. Do you want to?

(11:26:15 pm) Confuzzled: sometimes i suppose

(11:26:30 pm) Confuzzled: You think I should be fucked in my aSS then?

(11:26:48 pm) somatikmind: I think you should do what you want to do

(11:27:07 pm) Confuzzled: so if i suck cock i not gay right?

(11:27:23 pm) somatikmind: Not if women still turn you on as well

(11:27:32 pm) Confuzzled: yes

(11:27:45 pm) somatikmind: but what would be so bad about being gay?

(11:27:46 pm) Confuzzled: just havent had much with woman thats all

(11:28:20 pm) Confuzzled: i not sure about what so bad as gay but never imagined it

(11:28:39 pm) Confuzzled: I just think of sucking cock at times and not know why really

(11:29:58 pm) Confuzzled: but admit when in 20's i thought of shemales and that

(11:30:42 pm) Confuzzled: last porn watched was shemales not sure why

(11:31:14 pm) somatikmind: probably because it gets you hot Isn't that the reason we all watch porn? Or read erotica? Because something about it turns our crack.

(11:31:28 pm) Confuzzled: never had many friends when younger and same as now

(11:31:47 pm) Confuzzled: yes cock gets me hot i guess

(11:32:01 pm) somatikmind: OK

(11:32:49 pm) Confuzzled: you think I like cock better than pussy? just asking Is it just me or does it seem like he wants someone to tell him that he's gay so he doesn't have to take responsibility for it? I don't know. He just keeps asking me for confirmation.

(11:32:51 pm) somatikmind: admitting it is healthy. Now ask yourself the same of pussy.

(11:33:02 pm) somatikmind: I can't answer that question, only you can

(11:33:08 pm) Confuzzled: sometimes

(11:33:22 pm) Confuzzled: I mean I had asian pussy I loved it

(11:33:36 pm) Confuzzled: I had a black pussy once and loved

(11:33:46 pm) Confuzzled: It depends on woman

(11:33:53 pm) somatikmind: that's normal

(11:33:59 pm) Confuzzled: when younger I paid for sex mostly

Ok... I'm leaving it at that. I still have 13 pages of text for this guy. I don't know if I'll share them all but we shall see. I'll definitely share what's pertinent.

TaToID: Episode Two - Amy I Gay? Part Two

2010-05-02T14:16:00.004-06:00

Introduction: This conversation was really long... it is 24 PAGES of text. So I'm going to share it over a couple posts. This was FIVE pages of text from out conversation. Please note that I have NOT changed any of his writing. I did however fix my own spelling and grammar mistakes because they were driving me nuts. I have added my own comments into the conversation. I've bolded them. (I'm coming back to do this this evening... I figured y'all had waited long enough.)

(10:04:08 pm) Confuzzled: hello friend how are you today?

(10:04:47 pm) somatikmind: not bad. A fairly decent Sunday in the grand scheme of things

(10:04:50 pm) somatikmind: you?

(10:05:16 pm) Confuzzled: I couldn't complain as it was a overall great day

(10:05:22 pm) somatikmind: that's good

(10:07:11 pm)Confuzzled: Yes well I woke up enjoyed a nice orange, had some coffee, a shower and went to work for a few hours. Then grabbed some groceries and came home. Relaxed watched a few movies with Anthony Hopkins and well will watch another soon then off to dream land.

(10:07:43 pm) somatikmind: not bad at all.

(10:08:04 pm) Confuzzled: Enjoying some red wine also as I kind of into Red wine to be honest.

(10:08:15 pm) Confuzzled: Yes thanks for being so kind friend.

(10:09:01 pm) somatikmind: Not a big fan of wine myself. But a really nice beer is damn fine.

(10:09:52 pm) Confuzzled: I use to like beer but just not into it no more. I prefer wine, red wine and well even crown royal or Captain Morgans spiced rum with Pepsi.

(10:10:17 pm) Confuzzled: I out grew beer phase although sometimes was good days when I was much younger.

(10:10:40 pm) somatikmind: I'm a bit of a beer snob honestly. It had better be good beer that I'm drinking.

(10:11:24 pm) somatikmind: and I really like trying new ones. I prefer darks, ales or even stouts. Though a nice light beer is refreshing every so often

(10:12:18 pm) Confuzzled: Yes when I was in the phase I liked Bud, I enjoy Kokanee, I enjoyed Canadian, Molson Ice, and for a while I loved Mountain Crest I use to buy by the flats and pay 26.00 dollars and well it was like tap water but lately last year I prefer good old red wine\

(10:13:01 pm) Confuzzled: I agree nothing wrong with a cold one of what you like and it can be a good refreshing taste after a weeks work.

(10:13:14 pm) somatikmind: true enough

(10:13:31 pm) Confuzzled: except lol red wine just room temp.

(10:13:58 pm) Confuzzled: I never have cold wine. I guess thats just how it goes. Go figure.

(10:14:32 pm) somatikmind: I really wouldn't know. All I get out of wine, except a good ice wine (yum!), is that it tastes salty. My sister tells me it’s the tannins or something like that.

(10:14:38 pm) Confuzzled: Maybe I going through another phase and will like only older scotch and things like that even when get older lol

(10:14:59 pm) Confuzzled: Your sister sounds smart and very wise

(10:15:17 pm) Confuzzled: I am guessing she is older than you

(10:15:22 pm) somatikmind: nope

(10:15:35 pm) somatikmind: just likes wine

(10:16:00 pm) Confuzzled: Well she sounds smart. Oh and no offence nothing against you

(10:16:07 pm) somatikmind: no worries

(10:16:12 pm) somatikmind: she is smart.

(10:16:53 pm) Confuzzled: thats good because to be honest worrying doesnt do anything for me or get me any where it just causes more headaches and well lack of happiness.

(10:17:28 pm) Confuzzled: She sounds great I bet she has a boyfriend or two also

(10:18:13 pm) somatikmind: she's living with her beau. He’s good to her. Not like the last asshole she was with.

(10:19:08 pm) Confuzzled: thats good to hear. At least he treats her well and thats a main thing and she I bet is happy. I wish I had a nice girl well girlfriend but woman 18 plus of course.

(10:19:56 pm) Confuzzled: I not in a hurry but just haven't had the right opportunity or priveledge yet.

(10:20:01 pm) somatikmind: she seems happy, actually happy for a change. It's nice

(10:20:11 pm) Confuzzled: Thats good to hear.

(10:20:47 pm) Confuzzled: I believe it is good as long as guys don't abuse or act possessive. As it isn't right

(10:21:04 pm) somatikmind: I thought I had the opportunity... but then sometimes things just don't work the way you expect them to

(10:21:11 pm) Confuzzled: I am sure one day I will find the right one

(10:21:18 pm) Confuzzled: I agree

(10:21:39 pm) Confuzzled: I usually find good ones are married or have a boyfriend

(10:21:59 pm) somatikmind: it's 'cause we're so desirable ;)

(10:22:18 pm) Confuzzled: Or if I do get a girlfriend which not often they deport to their country, or just not the right type

(10:23:00 pm) Confuzzled: Yes woman can be very desirable for sure and well I not into guys as woman do it more for me to be honest

(10:24:04 pm) Confuzzled: But I am sure we all experiment at some point usually drunk lol

(10:24:28 pm) somatikmind: experimentation lets you know you've made the right choice

(10:25:20 pm) Confuzzled: I suppose so. I try to think of the positives and anything you like to know ask and I will be honest as I do my best to always be.

(10:25:57 pm) somatikmind: ditto

(10:27:41 pm) Confuzzled: thanks and I mean I try not to look too much in to the stupid things I did when drunk especially things never planned or ever imagined. Sometimes they just happen.

(10:28:22 pm) somatikmind: true enough. And sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

(10:28:59 pm) Confuzzled: But also to I justify because really when we get old we will look at what we never tried rather than what we have I think

(10:29:32 pm) somatikmind: I'm a firm believer that you should never regret what you've done; only what you haven't tried

(10:29:33 pm) Confuzzled: I do wonder at times why I did what I did but it don't make me a bad person

(10:30:20 pm) Confuzzled: You seem smart and right I agree friend

(10:30:57 pm) somatikmind: I can be smart but then I can also be pretty dumb sometimes

(10:31:06 pm) somatikmind: live and learn I suppose

(10:31:25 pm) Confuzzled: Well I think we all have our dark secrets but learn from

(10:32:01 pm) Confuzzled: you are right and most woman are but not all just like men.

(10:32:17 pm) somatikmind: it’s a human condition

(10:32:22 pm) Confuzzled: We can all be crazy and dumb at times

(10:32:28 pm) somatikmind: well said

(10:32:41 pm) Confuzzled: thanks. I try to be open minded

(10:33:03 pm) somatikmind: and that is a most important quality that too many people are missing

(10:33:22 pm) Confuzzled: I know I enjoy living by myself as I use to live with a guy and his girlfriend and was weird at times

(10:34:14 pm) Confuzzled: Especially after 8 months their and they asked me a weird question unexpected and out of the blue

(10:35:18 pm) somatikmind: may I ask what the question was?

(10:35:26 pm) Confuzzled: well sure

(10:36:01 pm) somatikmind: ok, than what was the question?

(10:36:04 pm) Confuzzled: She asked me if I was gay? I said no why? she said because I never had a girl over, never dated and no girlfriends.

(10:37:01 pm) somatikmind: I suppose in bizzaro world that would be good enough reason to assume someone was gay. But I think personally I would need more evidence than that.

(10:37:15 pm) Confuzzled: True.

(10:37:26 pm) Confuzzled: I never did anything to consider me that

(10:37:43 pm) Confuzzled: I never had guys over and never anything like that

(10:38:20 pm) Confuzzled: Doesn't mean I never went out and done stupid things but I never did anything to suggest I gay

(10:38:53 pm) Confuzzled: They said if I was it is okay but I said No of course

(10:39:04 pm) somatikmind: Meh, c'est la vie. Don't let it bother you. Brush it off and move on.

(10:39:46 pm) Confuzzled: I have. I mean I did a few things when drunk but never their. But yes you are right

(10:40:05 pm) somatikmind: It's allowed.

(10:41:24 pm) Confuzzled: yes and I have did a few things not sure why but different time. Like said did a few things never imagined or planned and well really nit sure why but i not a bad person nor am I gay. I am attracted to woman

(10:42:26 pm) Confuzzled: everyone experiments i am sure but yes you are right friend

(10:42:39 pm) somatikmind: yah

(10:42:48 pm) Confuzzled: I am glad to live on my own now and that was long time ago yes

(10:44:04 pm) somatikmind: I'm not sure what I'm thinking about this whole living alone thing... I've been living with someone for almost 5 years now. These last two months have been kinda lonely to be honest. Good for me. But lonely

(10:44:22 pm) Confuzzled: really?

(10:44:34 pm) Confuzzled: Oh you live alone now?

(10:44:39 pm) somatikmind: yah

(10:45:07 pm) Confuzzled: oh I never had that opportunity as most boyfriends and girlfriends live together

(10:45:14 pm) Confuzzled: I kind of wish

(10:45:22 pm) somatikmind: I had a multitude of different roomies, lived with my sister for a time, and the guy that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life

(10:45:48 pm) Confuzzled: I lived with my sister years and years ago it was ok but yes I like myself unless like woman

(10:46:27 pm) Confuzzled: I never lived with parents long time and never could again as well I no kid.

(10:47:01 pm) Confuzzled: I never had best experiences with room mates but she have to be a woman and well cute at least lol

I should be back either tomorrow or the next day with the next FIVE pages of text for you. Things just keep getting more and more interesting all at the same time.

TaToID: Episode Two - Am I Gay? Part One

2010-04-29T06:55:00.003-06:00

Introduction: Confuzzled is a very nice guy. He's not the brightest crayon in the box but I've also talked to WAY worst. I'll be doing his conversations in a couple parts... He had a lot to say.

(10:33:53 pm)Confuzzled:Hello how are you? I am [Name] and am single, easy going looking to meet new friends. You sound interesting and you like the Oilers so hello and you have my vote.
(10:36:43 pm)Confuzzled:Thats funny how some peoples profile goes from respond often to respond selectively must be a magic trick lol
(10:37:04 pm)somatikmind::p
(10:37:17 pm)somatikmind:Sometimes we're all sorts of busy ;)
(10:37:23 pm)somatikmind:Hi
(10:37:25 pm)Confuzzled:true enough
(10:37:28 pm)Confuzzled:Hello
(10:38:02 pm)Confuzzled:It is all understandable I not good at this online stuff but whats the risk of trying
(10:38:23 pm)somatikmind:Not much. The worse that can happen is someone is all like... AHHH! RUN!
(10:38:31 pm)Confuzzled:exactly
(10:39:05 pm)Confuzzled:or like on King pin he goes whats the risk man, you on a gravey train with biscut wheels lol
(10:39:38 pm)Confuzzled:Yes my spelling not perfect so I hope you do not hold that against a honest working guy lol
(10:41:09 pm)somatikmind:Nope
(10:41:26 pm)somatikmind:I can't spell worth shit myself. Though I tend to be a minor grammar Nazi
(10:42:28 pm)Confuzzled:okay sounds good. Like I said I do my best and hard to believe I am not perfect like everyone else lol. Just do not tell anyone they are not perfect or else get in to trouble.
(10:43:17 pm)Confuzzled:I take it you are a teacher?
(10:43:21 pm)somatikmind:Ha! People need to relax I'm far from perfect
(10:43:23 pm)somatikmind:Kinda...
(10:43:28 pm)Confuzzled:lol
(10:43:28 pm)somatikmind:I work in childcare
(10:44:13 pm)Confuzzled:Thats cool. That means you must be patient and enjoy kids. It also means you have a nurturing gentle side to you.
(10:44:34 pm)Confuzzled:I not saying you kind always but you have a side that is lol
(10:44:51 pm)Confuzzled:It is awesome.
(10:44:55 pm)somatikmind:I can be, but I can also be a right bitch if needed
(10:45:16 pm)Confuzzled:Sounds like reality and not a movie
(10:45:37 pm)somatikmind:Yup.
(10:45:50 pm)somatikmind:Reality: Way more fucked up than movies!
(10:45:55 pm)Confuzzled:After all we are to my understanding all human
(10:47:18 pm)somatikmind:Wha-hahaha! I have them all fooled!
(10:47:30 pm)somatikmind:I'm actually an alien from another planet ;)
(10:47:32 pm)Confuzzled:Yes reality is not as nice as movies. In fact with movies you have no real limits and can be who you want and life well crazy at times
(10:48:04 pm)Confuzzled:Okay. Well if you from another country or what not you are considered an alien.
(10:48:23 pm)Confuzzled:If not suppose to be here an illegal alien.
(10:48:57 pm)Confuzzled:Also known as an immigrant
(10:49:02 pm)somatikmind:Yes
(10:49:19 pm)Confuzzled:Oh no you checking me out. Be nice please lol!
(10:50:17 pm)Confuzzled:I not into movies much as I only own about 2200 VHS movies. So as you can tell it is not an interest or hobby of mine.
(10:52:37 pm)somatikmind:yah... I was actually just about to head off to bed when you IMed me
(10:52:47 pm)Confuzzled:Did you know some teams get possessed and not be religion but just with puck possesion.
(10:53:11 pm)Confuzzled:Okay well I can take a nice hint good night then. Maybe we talk another day
(10:53:49 pm)Confuzzled:It was nice meeting you.
(10:53:52 pm)somatikmind:Bah! truth. And if I'm on chat away. talk at cha later!
(10:54:07 pm)Confuzzled:ok thanks
(10:54:26 pm)somatikmind:bye!
(10:54:35 pm)Confuzzled:bye

I posted this conversation so you can begin to appreciated just how clueless Confuzzled is. I mean he is a really sweet man-child (he's 33 so I can't really call him a boy but he's really lacking in maturity, so man-child it is) but he's just so naive.

Stay tuned for Part 2... the next conversation I had with Confuzzled is 24 PAGES of text so it might be broken up over a couple of posts. I just have to find the right place to break apart.

Trials and Tribulations of Internet Dating: Episode One

2010-04-28T19:45:00.005-06:00

Disclaimer:

So... I'm back in the saddle again. Woo. I hated being single the last time 'round, I doubt that it'll be much better this time. However this time I've decided that I'm going to document the process... I mean at least than someone can find some entertainment from my holy quest for "true love" and "hot sex"

I recently reactivated my okcupid and POF accounts. I'm somatikmind. I'll share that much. Any other user names have been changed. I figure I owe it to the poor fuckers. I mean some of these guys are top notch, grade A man meat.

Do you believe me? Well, here is your chance to find out.

PSST: I won't be posting the disclaimer again for subsequent episodes of TaToID...

Episode One: Fucking Stupid Little Boy

Introduction: This guy started talking to me early one Saturday morning when I was supposed to be heading to the farm. He was from Louisiana and was a whopping 22 years old. Generally, I find that I have great patiences with people. I am a wonderful mediator. However this idiot boy just completely rubbed me the wrong way.

(6:55:14 am)Stupid Boy: hi

(6:55:57 am)somatikmind: hi

(6:56:06 am)Stupid Boy: whats up

(6:56:27 am)somatikmind: Not much. I'm gonna be getting ready to drive to my farm soon.

(6:56:41 am)Stupid Boy: you have a farm?

(6:56:49 am)somatikmind: my parents do yes

(6:57:01 am)Stupid Boy: why you wanna go there... your a girl

(6:57:18 am)somatikmind: excuse me? what does that have to do with anything?

(6:57:25 am)Stupid Boy: arn't you suppose to be out chasing boys and putting on makeup

(6:57:27 am)Stupid Boy: ?

(6:58:28 am)Stupid Boy: sorry about nthat

(6:58:28 am)Stupid Boy: well... i guess

(6:58:33 am)somatikmind: Yah

(6:58:44 am)somatikmind: what does my being a girl have to do with that

(7:00:28 am)Stupid Boy: girls might get scared up on a farm or worse break a nail!

(7:00:32 am)Stupid Boy: lol

(7:00:46 am)somatikmind: Ok

(7:00:55 am)somatikmind: I'm done here.

(7:00:59 am)somatikmind: Bye.

(7:01:12 am)Stupid Boy: jeez wheres your sense of humor

(7:01:27 am)Stupid Boy: bye

(7:01:29 am)somatikmind: I have a sense of humour but you're insulting me

(7:02:13 am)Stupid Boy: sorry.....

(7:02:32 am)Stupid Boy: can ya forgive me

(7:03:03 am)somatikmind: I don't need to. I don't know you. Next time you talk to a person don't open your mouth without reading a little about them.

(7:03:37 am)Stupid Boy: kk

(7:03:41 am)Stupid Boy: fair enough

(7:04:17 am)somatikmind: I have to go now. I have things to do. Bye

(7:04:41 am)Stupid Boy: bye

Update: Stupid Boy has since deleted his account with okcupid. I giggled incessantly. Am I a bad person? You tell me.

Stay Tuned for Episode Two: Am I Gay? Part One

Bobbi talks to a very nice man, who is more than a little clueless about a lot of things. Her patience and compassion is tested in ways that she saw coming a mile away.

The Importance of Being Ernest; Civil Rights, Gay Marriage and all the Funky Jazz.

2010-01-18T21:24:00.005-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Please note that if you are easily offended then maybe you shouldn't be reading my blog so VAMOS, here there be demons.

Now that that's over on with the show.

I like to think that I'm an open minded and liberal kind of person. I mean there isn't a lot that will truly offend me or that I think is genuinely wrong. I suppose that it comes from being a Social Libertarian at heart.

Bobbi's Dictionary

Social Libertarian: one who believes in social freedom for all so long as it does not impede or disregard the rights of others. i.e. To do as you want as long as it doesn't fuck it up for others. This means that murder would be bad because it disregards my right to live my life, stealing my property would be wrong because it disregards my right to be safe and so on and so forth.

I work with the adage that "while it might not be right for me, if it's right for you, go hard." I mean there's small print to that, there's always small print. If there wasn't small print then people go off and do any fool-hardy thing that struck their fancy which would lead to all sorts of trouble. Badness says I.

So, with that in mind I joined the following facebook group/event thing. Go see it, take a moment to get what it is and then come back otherwise the rest of this is NOT going to make a lot of sense:

FEDERAL Court accepts challenge of PROP 8

That's right. I support Gay Marriage which in itself is weird since I don't really believe in marriage. Marriage is a remnant of the past, a part of our society that no longer holds the value that it once did. However that is a blog for another day...

So yes, I believe that you should be able to get married to whomever you wish. And no I don't think that allowing all PEOPLE (key word here) to marry WHOMEVER they wish will degrade the sanctity of marriage, the divorce rate has already done that. This means that I, as a consenting competent adult, should be allowed to marry whichever other CONSENTING COMPETENT ADULT that I wish. Just because we allowed our children to get married and have babies (babies having babies! Gah, will it never end) in the days gone by doesn't mean we should take up the practise again. So now I've got four key words: People (this means no places or things), you can't marry your toaster oven no matter how well it toasted the bread. Consenting, everyone has to be doing this of their own freewill, no coercion allowed this means informed decisions. Competent, the people need to be informed of all their choices and capable of making informed decisions. Adult, both the people involved should be of a legal age.

Stranded in Chitose: Why I hate travelling alone.

2009-02-21T00:11:00.002-07:00

Hi and welcome to this edition of rant blog.

That's right. Rant blog. I am ranty. Very fucking ranty and on top of that I'm feeling rather sad/depressed and I want to cry a lot. Why? The answer is simple really, I am stranded in Chitose, Hokkaido, Japan because the snow is rediculous. The Chitose airport never shuts down because of snow, never. Or so I was told. I'm not blaming the people who told me this. Chitose expects stupid, stupid amounts of snow so it was a very reasonable estimation. However today they got stupid, stupid, stupid amounts of snow. The entire Island of Hakkaido is currently being dumped on by two low pressure systems. Where I was, Toroko, is expecting up to 4 meters, yes meters, of snow from yesterday (February 20) until tonight. They have a blizzard warning, a snow warning and a snow damage warning which basically means that you have to shovel your roof off or it might cave in.

Hakkaido is a snow place. This is not completely unheard of. However it is really really fucking up my plans to go home, eat salt and vinegar chips with milk and chocolate, macaroni and cheese and then just because I can have a freaking awesome shower of awesomeness and then fall asleep beside my boyfriend who I haven't seen in two weeks and am really really starting to get a jonesing for in the worst (or best) way. I was going to be home in just over 24hrs. The vast majority of it spent on flights and such not but still I was going to be home. Home.

I cannot express how much I really want to be home right now. This is not to say that I haven't completely and thoroughly enjoyed my stay here in Japan. It has been all sorts of wonderful and spending time with Care has been awesome, but I am ready to be home. I think even more so now because I am stuck surrounded by NOONE that I know or really understand easily and I'm feeling kind of lonely. It's great. Woo...

Remind me never to travel alone again because at least if I get stuck somewhere where nothing makes sense I can at least have someone to talk to and do things with and maybe if I'm lucky just hangout in our room and cuddle with. That would be nice. I could use a hug right about now. My next step is to go find food. This could be something interesting. Not sure how I'm going to go about that yet but I'm think I may just try out the dining room here at the hotel. It could be good. And this hotel does cater to us gaijin. Joy. Maybe I can get some mac and cheese. (Ha!)

Either way... right now, I am going to watch some more grey's anatomy and then after Al calls me back when he get's home I am going to find food. Here's to my new found non-verbal communication skills. (PS the people here are really helpful and nice even if I can't talk to them half the time.)

Also.... I am leaving on the 23rd. Joy.

Semi Update of Doom!

2009-02-18T20:59:00.002-07:00

Yay! I still have internets. It's all sorts of awesome. I figured out why I didn't have internets before. It's sad really. Care's computer some how stifled my computer gaining internets. If I hibernate Care's computer then disconnect the internets my computer can pick up the internets. If I don't hibernate it first before I disconnect my computer won't connect to the internets. I don't get it but I suppose that it doesn't matter that much anyways.

So I went to elementary today with Care. It was a blast cute little kids who were all sorts of excited about seeing the foreign girl. It was fun. I had a bunch of pictures taken, sadly none with my camera. I'm going to talk to Care about getting copies of the pictures. It was fun. However, seeing as how I am crazy busy today, writing letters for all the people that matter... (actually just the people that I know the address of.) I am going to have to push off my updating until tomorrow or maybe tonight. I really want to have these letters done today so Care can help me mail them. (I like to think that people would rather get mail from a foreign country then hear about what I have to say. So you have to wait.)

God, when I actually post a real update it's going to be insane! So much has happened, both here and at home. Wooo. Go me. So, until tomorrow....

Junior High is Junior High

2009-02-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

Internet's didn't like my computer yesterday. I am kinda tired and want to watch some Grey's Anatomy. I will spend this time now doing that and then tomorrow afternoon I will blog, write letters and generally do all the stuff that I have promised to do. It'll be a fun filled afternoon of typing and writing. Yay.

Also, I got asked twice today if I have a boyfriend. And twice today I got to see grade 8 student's get all excited about the fact that I do have a boyfriend. Seeing how they reacted to the fact that I do not like baseball on the other hand was not as fun. Except that it was funny to see how they reacted to me liking hockey. But then baseball is cool here and hockey is less so. Meh, I'm Canadian. I'm supposed to like hockey...

Japan and still standing....

2009-02-12T22:39:00.002-07:00

OK... I'm lame this is just a super quick note to tell everyone that I have landed safely, all is well and I am super busy this weekend. However! I will have an enormous amount of free time on Tuesday (finally) and I will sit down and tell you all about what has happened with me in Kitami City, Toroko, Sapporo, Abashiri, Bihoro, etc... Oh God.

Yah... it's insane! So I'll talk about it and fill you in soon. Right now I am going to talk to Al and then have a nap before I have to go out for supper (late) and meet a bunch of new people. Apparently the biggest thing that I have to worry about for supper is not losing my meat down the grill.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

2009-01-25T20:33:00.001-07:00

I leave for Japan in 15 days...

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Also... I'm moving again...

In the end does it really matter?

2009-01-23T22:14:00.002-07:00

Sometimes something happens that makes you question the big things in life. You start wondering if the choices that you made were the right ones. If maybe you should have taken a different path. In just under 25 years I have experienced several of those moments, each on as life altering as the first. Yet each time looking back it was clear that while made it wasn't the best choice to make it was clearly the one that I needed to make.

I stand at a crossroad and for the first time I don't really know which way I am going to go. In times past I would have made the easy choice, skipped over anything that looked like it could involve work and hardship for the simpler way. However, this time the simpler way doesn't look so simple. It appears rocky and full of obstacles. It looks just as painful as the other way does.

It's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be simpler, shorter, easier. The other way is supposed to be hard work, heartache and vulnerability. Except this time both ways leave me vulnerable and I wonder if the decisions that got me here were worth it. They in their own way were life altering. I didn't see where am I today when this all started. I didn't see that this would happen and now here I am.

It would be simple to say that there is only one clear choice and if you asked me a year ago what I would have done I would've have blinked as I told you. Yet here I am. Funny how such a short period of time will change a person. I think the best way is just to go with the flow on this one and see where it takes me. I'd like to say that I know where I'll end up but to be honest that just isn't going to happen. Neither do I know if this is the right choice. There are too many variables... and that's what scares me. More than whatever the outcome turns out to be it's the fact that I don't know.

Every choice I've made may not have been the best one but it was the right one for me... I suppose I'll let you know about this one. You know what they say about hindsight, it's always 20-20. I just don't want this to be the first choice that I ever really regret. I know which way I want this to go, I just don't know if this is the way it has to go...

RIP Squid

2009-01-20T22:00:00.002-07:00

So my poor little Squid-let didn't even manage to make it beyond the 48 hour mark. He got Body Fungus.

Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

You know what bothered me more than anything about the whole thing, not that Squid died but how the staff at a certain PJ's Pets dealt with the situation. God that woman was so self righteous! But then maybe I was just pissed off that my fish died a horrible death and you are being snarky to your co-worker thinking that I can't hear you. Yah... that's probably it. I won't really get into the details. They don't really matter but I do want to say this one tiny thing to people in the service industry every where....

Unless you are in a staff meeting, the lunch room or any where else that customers will not be present, don't be bitchy. I'm not saying that sometimes certain customers don't need to be set straight occasionally, because goddess only knows that there are some real assholes out there. I am saying that when I tell you, hey my fish has died but since I'm now treating my tank for a disease your fish gave me I'd like a store credit instead of a new fish that in no way gives to you the right to say to your co-worker when you don't think I'm listening that I'm being stubborn about it and that I'm really upset.

Yes, I was upset. Squid was a fucking awesome fish! He had personality and was a nifty looking and fun to watch. However it wasn't the end of the world. I was a little sad and little upset but it's to be expected with fish, they die a lot. What made me really upset was when she started getting uppity about it. Gah! I hate people sometimes.

Their credit machine was broken so they couldn't give us a credit so she said that she would give us a refund. Ok great. I'm down with that. Except that as she's getting us the refund she talks to her co-worker about how we're obviously upset and that she has to do this because we don't want a fish right now. (Excuse me, do we want to add a fish that will be stressed out to a diseased environment? Weren't you the one who said that you loved fish? and Understood that we wouldn't want to subject a new fish to that?) Gha. It wasn't so much what she said but how she said it.

Ok... I'm done now.

New Fish!

2009-01-15T22:33:00.002-07:00

So Al and I got new fish, Mo the Catfish, Squid the Peacock eel and Nom the plecostomus. You can see them on Al's facebook. I really, really, really like Squid. He is freaking awesome. That brings our grand total of fish to fourteen. I called Mom about it when we got Mo, Squid and Nom and she said we sounded like excited parents. Ppppth. If she could watch Squid swim she'd understand the excitement. (Hi Mom!!)

I suppose that our fish are kind of like our kids and unless we get a dog they'll be the closest thing to having kids that Al and I will have so I suppose that MAYBE, just MAYBE she may have a point. Except that I doubt any good parent would tell one child that they better behave and not fin-nip because your new brother is way more awesome then you could ever hope to be and given the choice we'll pick him over you. That's what we told the tetras and the gourami's when we put Squid in. So far they seem to be listening and that is a good thing seeing as how I would feel kinda bad about picking Squid over them.

Nom is making designs in our algae... if you squint right it apparently looks like a smilie face. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see how much algae he's cleaned up.

We're either getting a couple more gourami's or a school of neon tetras. I'm taking votes. Tell me what you think.

Gourami

Neon Tetra

So go there and let me know what you think... I don't know if it'll help me make the decision but I would like to hear what you think. Yhar. Fish. And no I will not make you a sandwich.

Delving into the mind of a Sexual Deviant

2009-01-07T18:10:00.003-07:00

So there I was, "facestalking" an individual whom I will not name, when I came upon an interesting little note with a funky little title. It truly was the title that pulled me in. Who wants to read something that isn't titled interestingly? (No I'm not telling you the title, this time I would like to keep the identity of the person a secret. I wanted to comment on his note but decided that I would rather not beat a dead horse while there is no one watching. At least here there is some readership... Right? I have readers? They just don't know how to use the comment section. :P)

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. The main thesis of his note was that random sex is BAD because it negates proper emotionally bonded pairings. Or at least that is what I got out of it. He even went so far as to say that he was going to try and form an emotional bond with a person before creating a physical bond with them, including kissing. I'm sure that I'm missing points and Goddess only knows that it would be exceedingly easier to just post what he wrote and credit him or post a link and then argue from there but this would defeat my purpose of trying to allow him to maintain some anonymity from my friends that would probably like to express their opinions in this matter to him. (It's not that I don't love you guys, it's just that this guy was surprisingly conservative about the whole thing and well, we're not. And lets be honest here, some of you are not exactly kind about how you share your opinions with those you deem "Stupid".) So yes, this is going to be another blog about sex, more specifically about my opinions and feelings about sex. It seems to be a popular subject around here doesn't it?

Honestly... I don't know where to start. For me sex has always been very hedonistic. It's about the pleasure that one gets from the act and until very recently there was little to no emotion wrapped up in the whole thing. Sex was just the way that I got pleasure that I couldn't acheive on my own. Masturbating is great and all, there is no way in hell that I would give it up, but to be honest there is just something better about sex. I think it's the heat of another person, because while a fucking awesome masturbatory session is way better than bad sex there is always something missing from it. I don't know. It's still awesome but bad sex has something that awesome masturbation does not. This is not to say that I would rather have bad sex than masturbate. I think that I have had my fill of bad sex and would definitely masturbate when face with the choice but there is still something about sex that is "better" no matter how bad it is.

So sex is awesome yes? Or at least for the vast majority of us. There are those that are just rather asexual. Personally, I don't get it, but then I suspect that they don't get me either so at least we can say we're even. *Joy* So yes, sex is tres awesome. And just why is it awesome? Well here is a fun little list:

It provides all these fun little sensations that people just can't help but make funny faces and noises to.
It gets the endorphins up and acts as a natural analgesic. This means it makes you happy and pain free. (Unless you like your sex in a different flavour, say pain flavoured, or perhaps pain spiced? Actually I'm rather blissful until the endorphins wear off. Even after a rather rough go.)
Sex reduces your risk of heart disease and strokes. Why? Because it is a cardiovascular activity! One of the safest forms of exercise that you can engage in. You can burn up to 200 calories during sex and push your heart rate to around 150 bpm!
Sex is a whole body work out! You stretch and tone just about ever muscle in your body.
Sex boosts testosterone and estrogen production. Testosterone makes your bones and muscles stronger while estrogen helps to make your hair smooth and shiny
Sex may boost the production igA (immunoglobulin A) which helps strengthen the immune system leading to fewer sick days from work or school.
Regular sex for women can help to firm tummies and butts as well as help to improve posture.
Sex Relieves Stress. Actually it helps you to respond better to stressful situations. The more sex you have the better you respond to stressful situations.
Sex helps to strengthen the pelvic floor muscle. This can help so that you do not suffer from incontinence later in life.
The oxytocin released during sex has numerous benefits the least of which is helping to promote sleep. Proper sleep helps to maintain healthy weight and blood pressure. Oxytocin also helps you to relax and is part of the "after-glow" feeling of sex.

Sex...

Yes, it does all that and more! Seriously just Google the benefits of sex. I left a lot out. HOWEVER it is important to consider that sex is only this awesome while you are being Safe. STIs and STDs, especially the nasty ones that are less than curable, will cancel a lot of this out.

Suffices to say that sex is, as stated, awesome. If only for the above reasons. Now where was I go with this? Right... I think I'm supposed to be proving that random sex is awesome...

HA!

Ok... I have had my fair share of random sex, whether through those pesky one night encounters with strangers or the occasional flings and really I don't see a problem with it if taking the proper precautions. This means birth control and disease/infection control. And really the best way to go about it is with condoms and common sense. Don't be afraid to ask if the person has something. One would hope that they will be honest with you but don't risk it. Casual sex can be a fullfilling thing if you remember that you are taking a risk. If you're on some method of birth control and you totally trust the guy its up to you to go without a condom. (Guys same goes for you but make sure that there is some method of birth control unless you want to chance being a Daddy.) If you don't trust them you really should be asking yourself if you should be having sex.

I know, I know... sometimes you just don't care. I've been there. But for the love of my sanity and yours use a fucking condom then. Carry one, store some in your bedside table, do what you have to do and if they refuse kick the fucker out. Sex is not worth the risk of Crabs, Chlamydia, Gnorrhea, Syphilis, Herpes, Hepatitis, HPV and HIV. Hepatitis and HPV are known to cause cancer and while HIV won't kill you, nor will AIDS, the fact that you will have NO IMMUNE SYSTEM LEFT will. A simple Rhinovirus will be enough and who wants to die from the common cold?

If you can get past all that and the possibility of pregnancy and abortion/adoption then be my guest. Fuck without a condom. Personally I'd rather jump in a lake of molten salt but that's your pergorative. I've had some rather wonderful flings in my day and it was all due to the fact that:

we protected ourselves from the possibility of infection and pregnancy. We weren't just sleeping with each other you see.
We knew that it was just a fling.

There's a clincher. Do me another favour and never assume that because you are having sex that you're in a "committed, loving, monogamous" relationship. You can assume that you are in a relationship all you want but realise that until you TALK to your fuck buddy over there that's all that if might be and that's all that it could be. This goes both ways people. Girls and Boys are both guilty of the crime of NOT COMMUNICATING! If I could go back in time there are many different things that I would do and one of them would be talking to my sex partners more. Especially the ones that weren't just in and out if you know what I mean. (If anyone make any disparaging comments about sluts I will make you sit through an entire entry about DOUBLE STANDARDS and why they can lick my shorts. Hell, I may just do that next anyways.) I don't know if would have changed anything, in fact where I am I don't think that I would have wanted it too. But I'm betting that I could have saved myself some rather extreme heartache.

Just remember that everything is a learning experience. Work with it, have fun with it and for the love of ponies please don't do it if you don't feel comfortable with the concept. Just because I was able to separate the difference between love and sex doesn't mean that you are going to be able to. And if you can, please don't forget that sex is also pretty awesome with some emotion other than just passion and fire. And holy carp is it scary the first time you realise it. Damn scary.

And the Winningness is Awesome!

2008-12-03T22:26:00.002-07:00

So Alistair got tickets to see the game tonight (Oilers vs Stars) and since he couldn't go I went with my darling baby sister. Wee good times all around! I honestly had a lot of fun. It was great.

I went to the game with a sense of foreboding, I mean the Oilers record with the Stars isn't all the great. The Oilers seem to have this GIANT blind spot about where the goal is when they are playing the Stars. It's just not fair. If I had to pick a team I hated the most for no good reason I would be very hard pressed to pick between Calgary and Dallas. There are the obvious reasons that I dislike Calgary. It's a not-so-friendly, friendly rivalry. Sure I chant ABC baby (Anybody But Calgary) but would I want to see Dallas beat Calgary? The simple answer is No. The long convoluted answer is that I don't want Calgary winning either. So what is a girl to do?

Personally, I don't watch those games and I groan when either team wins. However I tend to groan more about the team that has more opportunity of kicking us out of our playoff spot more. So it depends... I think the only bonified way that I would cheer for either team is if their winning guaranteed the Oilers a position in the playoffs.

But right now, that is neither here nor there. Right now this is about HOW freaking awesome it was to beat the crap out of Dallas! Wooo! Go Oil, Go! Yay! Have I mentioned that we scored two goals within 40 secs of each other in the last minute of the third period? Because we did! However, we still have some work to do. Personally, I think that the boys need to have a lot more energy than they do. They're a good group of players and they know what they're doing (even Penner, though my sister thinks he's as useful as a pilon) but they seem to lack the energy to do it. And quite frankly it pisses me off.

I will suffer though, in silence as long as they pull it together and stop playing like third rate minors. Bah. Also... I want Hemsky to learn how to score a dirty ugly craptacular goal. I think that if he can accomplish that I will be a happy woman. However, I think when he learns that we'll lose him to some other team for someone cheap and crappy... so I don't know if I want him to learn how to make that goal yet.

Sometimes I really HATE people

2008-11-30T11:21:00.004-07:00

This entry is spawned by the following ego-maniac: fatheadbob

Who is fatheadbob? Fatheadbob is SWM from Bellevue, Washington. Where did I meet said ego-maniac? Ok-Cupid. I've been an on/off member of Ok-Cupid since the beta; that was back in the day when they still had what kind of angel are you test that you had to answer to become a member. (I was a fallen angel.) It is probably one of my favourite dating sites because there is so much else to do and I don't have to be there fore the dating at all. I'm there to take stupid quizzes about myself when I'm bored. Plain and simple. If I'm lucky, I might get to meet some new and exciting people but I'm not holding my breath. It seems to me that most people are on this particular site because they're more desperate than they let on and I don't really like desperate people.

So... what did poor fatheadbob do to deserve my rantiness here? He was rude, inconsiderate and truly over stepping of the boundaries between two strangers. And while I am beyond caring what the egomaniac has done now (or I will be here after I've finished this blog) I feel that it is my responsibility to remind people about manners surrounding people you don't know. But, first I shall tell you a little story about how I met a man named fatheadbob...

So there I was sitting at my computer, minding my own business, taking a test about what kind of lover style I have when someone IM'ed on okcupid. I was a little surprised because I thought that I had disabled that feature but was willing to talk to someone as long as they realised that a) I was in a committed relationship with an awesome man and b) I'm not really into talking to people I don't know. That being said I got ready to give my shpeal about one of the two above points, that I'm in love and committed. That being said here is our conversation:

fatheadbob:nice halloween picture

I didn't respond right away because I was trying to figure out what pictures I had on my okcupid profile. I couldn't remember so I went with the most basic answer I could think of.

me:thanks

Yes... thanks... I don't think that I need to say more and I was still confused as to what pictures I had up so I clicked over to my profile and hovered over my pictures... No halloween pictures. One from my birthday two years ago, a girls night out picture, and one from Mark's birthday. Which happens to be one of my favourite pictures because I think that it complete captures my personality. Here... tell me what you think...

Yes... I know. It's not the most flattering of pictures but god damnit it's fun! At least I think so in the very least... either way I don't care, I like the picture. Here is the rest of the conversation...

fatheadbob:seriously that is an extremely scary face

fatheadbob:may want to change it

fatheadbob:free advice from male side

So yah... This happened while I was looking up what pictures I had. Came back and this is what he said. Don't get me wrong, I'm not faulting the guy for having an opinion. He is more than welcome to said opinion however it is how he went about stating it. If he had bothered to read my whole bloody profile he would see that I'm not looking for a relationship and that I am in a perfectly happy one. And even then, why do I have to worry about making sure that my profile pictures is "hot" for the men out there. Why can't I have a fun or goofy picture? Why is it that all women have to be sexy and good looking for their pictures? Gah! But most of all what the hell gave him the right to be a general asshole to someone he doesn't know from Jane? Seriously?

There is a time and a place to express opinions that you have about other people and that time is most certainly not right when you first talk to them. God I really hate people sometimes.

Update of Doom: Smaller, Shorter, Squee-ier

2008-11-12T19:42:00.005-07:00

So this one is going to be quick and dirty because while I have other things to say I refuse to say them in the same breath that I'm going to say this. SO! Look for another blog in the near future about that... because this is a happy blog and that will not be a happy blog. NO RANTING TO BE HAD HERE!

So first things first.... As many of you may know, I have been seeing this awesome guy for just shy of 7 months now. Which for me is all sorts of friggen HUGE and awesome. He is so good to me and I love him so much it hurts. (The good kind of pain mind you... *wink*). Now while my relationship with him is far from perfect (show me a perfect relationship and I'll show you someone who is either being cheated on or cheating. Perfect does not exist here people) I would like to think that it is very strong and that come hell or high water we will have the strength and wherewithal to survive. That being said and I think conveyed rather verbously... I'm moving in with Alistair!!! Squeee!!!!

That's right friends, Bobbi, the perpetually single, jaded and bitter one of the Fabolous Four, is moving in with her boyfriend. It seems rather odd to be completely honest. I don't mean that in a bad way or anything. I'm beyond stoked and overjoyed but it's just not something that I was expecting or looking for. Al wasn't the only guy that I was chatting with on my dating site (That's right. We did it the 21st century way. We met online.) or the only guy that I ended up going out with... there were even a couple guys that I saw more than once. But he was the only guy that I really felt that I could talk with. Plus... he was the only one that I really really wanted to kiss. I worked the three date rule a lot and never really got past the second date. With Al... I didn't want to envoke the three date rule, I didn't fucking give a rats ass. I liked him, he was damn fine looking and he made my heart do this little flipflop when he kissed me. (He still does.) I feel like I can talk to him about anything, which is weird, I don't talk to people that quickly. (There are some things that we don't talk about but it's more of a he'd rather not hear about my past exploits. And honestly, I'd rather not hear about his either. Apparently my green monster is bigger than I though.) I suppose that it what I'm saying is that I really love the guy and I really care for the guy and he's all mine! Wha-hahahahahahaha!

Additionally... and while not quiet as awesome in some ways but more awesome in others (don't ask, I don't get it).... I'M GOING TO JAPAN! If you haven't been around my facebook or my msn than you don't know. So there it is. Japan! Fuck yah! I bought my tickets Monday. I'm flying from Edmonton to SanFran, SanFran to Tokyo and Tokyo to Sapporo, where a lovely lady named Caroline will meet me and show me what she's been doing for the last year and some. I can't wait! On my way back I'm flying pretty much the same way except that I'm stopping over in Osaka! YAY! I'm way more excited about Osaka than Tokyo... though I don't get to really spend enough time in either. 4 hours in an airport just does not do justice and its way way less in Osaka. But I will take a picture of me in front of something that says Osaka if it's the only thing that I do. (PS Expect lots of pictures. Wee!)

Anyways.... I have a bath calling my name along with a nifty bath tea bag thing that I got from Al. Neat.

Things to Ponder

2008-11-03T12:18:00.002-07:00

I am home sick. Ugh. Gross vomiticious sick. I went to work this morning and I was fine. Suddenly around 11am my stomach decided to revolt on me. Luckily I did not throw up at work, in the garbage cans beside the doors my elevator however I did throw up. And then the lobby smelled like vomit (someone else's not mine. It was there Saturday night and hasn't stopped selling yet.) which made me want to vomit again. So I am home sick. I am hoping that tomorrow I will get to go back to work because truly, I like my job and I do not like being home sick. I have things to do! Bah!

So... I'm sorry that it takes a sick day to get me to blog. Here I was full of grandious ideas about blogging at least once a week, Sunday's preferably, and I have fallen flat on my butt. Oh well. I am here now. Here are a couple little things for you to ponder.

Jayson sorry I couldn't get this to you before while you were studying but here is George.
Also Jayson: Have you watched Kung Fu Panda... Very awesome. But then I also really liked Wall E. Space Chimps was a surprise. I'm not saying it was awesome but it was Ok. Especially considering I was expecting it to be horrid. It was a surprise and that was the selling point for me.
Why does adding the suffix -icious make certain words sound neater? Did you know that -icious means "full of" so vomiticious means full of vomit... Yuppers... that's about right.
Why does it seem that cops use their lights and sirens at red lights so they don't have to sit there like the rest of us?
I have been dating Alistair for in excess of 6 months... 6 months and 4 days. Don't ask me why I'm being that exact asides from to show that it is an excess but that it is not a huge excess. I honestly can't believe that it has been that long already. Also... It feels like longer.
I know understand what Mom meant when she said that the mood of your partner greatly influences your mood.
I still need to work on my communication skills.
Laying on your stomach while feeling vomiticious is non-condusive to feeling less so.
I wish that Alistair was here so I could have a hug. I've become a most huggy type person around him thus bringing me to the conclusion that I like hugs and cuddles just not from people that I am not comfortable around.
I've ran out of things to ponder...*grumble* I wanted there to be ten.

Movie Review: Space Chimps

2008-10-08T20:13:00.003-06:00

You know that movie that you just do not want to watch? It just doesn't sound at all visually appetising? You watch the trailers, or in my case, hear about it through the grape vine, and no matter what people say about it you just could care less if you put yourself through what is obviously going to be a horrible movie. That was this movie for me. Alistair procured it the other day and asked if I wanted to watch it. I think that my answer was somewhere along the lines of: I think that I'm going to go read my book/have a shower/organise my lint collection. However he pulled the please come hang out with me and cuddle on the couch card. And to be honest I would be hard pressed to say no even if we were going to be watching mould grow. There is something absolutely devilishly wonderful about that man. I don't know what it is but then I don't really care as long as he's there.

So anyways... there we are, cuddled up on his giant couch being subjected to what I was sure was going to be a horrid movie all because I can't say no to some cuddle time (Whoda thunk it??) when I noticed that my cuddle partner has fallen asleep. Now, as he is still sleeping, I don't know if it was because the movie was as horrid as I though or because he was really tired and I make an awesome pillow... and he was pretty tired but even though he was asleep and I could take off and run away, or organise that lint collection, I had found my self drawn into the movie.

All in all I can say that it was not the best animated movie in the history of 2008. I think that honour would have to either go to Wall E or Kungfu Panda, I can't decide, it was entertaining for the hour and twenty two minutes that I watched it, or more aptly for the 45 minutes that I paid attention. The characters were chimps (duh) and some random aliens, also there were some rather nerdy/kick ass scientists. I personally like the fat dumpy scientist. I don't know why, I just did. There were aliens being frozen and unfrozen, some really bad puns that make Gil jokes look like high quality humour and a cute little love story that barely got started before the movie ended. I mean who doesn't love a love story between two anthropomorphic chimpanzees? And really who doesn't love anthropomorphic chimpanzees?

Or any other anthropomorphic animal/inanimate piece of furniture? For once I would like to watch ONE children's movie that doesn't have any thing trying to be human when it's not human. And I think that is the only problem that I have with this movie. It's the same that I have with every children's movie... I want to watch one with out having to deal with something that looks like a duck, walks like a duck but talks like a human! Gah! Maybe it's just me but I dont' think that we need to only make children's movie of talking animals.

Don't get me wrong. There are some rather awesome anthropomorphic animals/furniture that I like in some kids movies: The Little Mermaid, Robin Hood, Beauty and the Beast, Princess and the Pea (all Disney movies except the last... ask me about that one if you're curious) but I just want to see one movie that doesn't have that aspect to it. I know that people are capable... for the most part Peter Pan manages it. Nana is kind of nanny like but at least she is also dog like.

I think that my favourite part of the movie is that the Humans don't think that the chimps can understand English... it is plain by this point in the movie that yes they do and rather well actually. Along with that is every time we are looking at the movie through the Human's eyes the chimps sound chimp-ish but while we are looking at it through the chimps eyes everyone is speaking English. It is almost like the chimps are expecting to be understood and that we are the stupid ones for not know chimp! Ha! I love it.

That's all she wrote. I'm off to watch something else and fall alseep beside my man. Nighters everyone.

The trials and tribulations of a modern day mad woman

2008-10-08T07:23:00.002-06:00

Not much to say... I just wanted to complain about how blood long this week is taking. Ugh and double Ugh. I do not like it. I mean it's only Wednesday! Who said that it could be only Wednesday! It feels way more like Friday, I kind of wish it were Friday. I'd be happier.

C'est la vie I suppose. I just kind of wish that this week was over already and I was back home on the farm. It's thanksgiving weekend this weekend and I'm having the awesomeness weekend ever. (weekend) I'll tell you about it when I get back. I also have another blog in the midst... I wanted to put it up last week but to be honest I had other things to do. (You'll survive, don't worry.) I think it'll be a good solid rant. Nothing as spectacular as George and the Unbiased Debate; Abortion and why it Tickles so much, but still good in it's own right. (Honestly I don't think that I have written anything as good as George before or after. But that is just my personal opinion. George was my crowning glory of awesomeness.)

Well my friends, I have to stop here and get ready for work...Bye!

My Addiction... a good emotional response...

2008-09-28T20:29:00.002-06:00

For those of you who obviously don't know me then this will come a bit of a shock. I can get very very into the books that I'm reading. To the point of obsession which is why I never read anything outside assigned readings during school. It just wasn't healthy or helpful. I would never get the readings that I needed to get done done and I wouldn't sleep. And that my friends is what brings me to my current plight. It is now 8:32 and while I would really really like to fall asleep in about say two-three hours, that is not going to happen.

I stayed up all night last night reading some of the best writing I have read since I finished the Kushiel series. (If you do not know about the Kushiel series than I suggest that you remedy the situation fast. Actually the Kushiel series is not for everyone but I do highly recommend it. The author's name is Jaqueline Carey). I have always been a fan of powerful writing, writing that envokes an emotional response in the reader. While it should come as no surprise that a good author should be able to that, this is not always the case. I find that many authors are not as able at this as some. I like Anne Rice. She is a wonderful author and has a great capacity for character development but she is not as good as envoking the emotional response. She makes a lovely character, one that you like, but sometimes you just don't feel like you care for the character.

Stephanie Meyer, Jaqueline Carey, Laurell K. Hamilton... they are very good at creating the emotional response. I love that emotional response! It's crazy and that is what kept me awake all night last night. In less than 24 hrs I have read 3 of the Twilight Series and am currently working on the 4th. If I wouldn't have actually get some sleep this afternoon I would probably be finished the 4th and then I would have rad four books in less than 24hrs with little to no sleep. I am glad that I had that little bif of sleep though. Because it means that I will be able either stay up all night to finish the last book or I will go to sleep and not be completely bushed for work tomorrow.

Well... it's now 9:32 and I would like to either go to sleep, read some more of Breaking Dawn or cuddle with my boyfriend. I haven't decided yet. Ask me in the morning...

Two posts in two days! Shockers!

2008-09-16T20:52:00.002-06:00

Simple easy post today kids, and it would be better if I had the picture but apparently I can't take pictures while Al is driving.

I saw the best license plate today ever! It was on a H3. (I like how the numbers in my font are lower than the letters in my font. It makes H3 look more like the decal than just a normal H3 without lower numbers would! Wee! I'm a giant nerd!)

Anyways... back to the awesome license plate... it was on a H3 and it was EWW ###. I laughed longer and loud. When I pointed it out to Alistair he said: "Ha! Your car sucks and your license plate agrees." We laughed some more.

As for cars... Alistair recently bought a car and his license plate is NYU ###... Heee heee... We named the NYU (pronouced NEW). We giggled because it's a new car (or new to us at least) and we both know the character Nyuu from the anime Elfen Lied. She is all sorts of awesome. You should look her up.

Alistair: Bringer of Rain

2008-09-15T21:06:00.003-06:00

Don't ask. I don't know. I needed something for a title and my man is generally on my mind so there you go. While it would be awesome if he were a bringer of rain I'll settle for bringer of flowers and giver of hugs.

I said hugs and not hugs and kisses for a reason. You see I'm sick and not in a pleasant way. I have some variety of this years influenza bug. Woo! I don't remember the last time that this happened. I've had colds, but the flu, the honest to god flu, fuck if I know. (He even has a nice new nick name for me, it's real original: Sickie.) Thus being sick and gross kinds of sick he has removed my right to kiss him. And while it sucks, I can see his point. It's not like he can afford to get sick and take time off. So I am reduced to hugs only.

Oh well... I'll survive. Or I should. If I can manage to get through this grossness sooner rather than later. I dislike not being able to kiss my man. It's not cool. And I don't want to make him sick...

And don't tell me about how I'm "no longer infectious once I'm symptomatic". I know. He knows... but really who wants to kiss someone who has a runny nose and is coughing all over the place? Yum! Oh! And I forgot the full body sneezes! Wicked!

So there... I've blogged... I'm going to try and do it more often. And since my life tends to be mostly boring I'm going to try and pull more awesomeness like this and this and who can forget this.

On wards to Glory! And more eventual postings. I like ranting and I suppose that if you come here you like hearing rants. My goal is one rant a week and once I get good at keep that schedule I'll try for something more.

Later ya'll.

PS Caroline say you are to blog: This means you! (Kim, Jayson, Sam and to a lesser extent, Carol. Tsk tsk tsk... Epic Fail!)

I am a Horrible, Terrible Blogger...

2008-08-22T06:48:00.003-06:00

... But no one comments so I don't see the point.

Ugh. So life has been, shall we say, hectic. At the very least anyways. New job is still going awesome. However, we have hit some major glitches recently and while I would love to jump in and divulge these crispy little tidbits, let's just say that renos suck, a lot.

That's right, the renos are behind. I'm not sure how far behind but in any case the just keep getting delayed. I know of three delays now and they were supposed to be done on the 14 so that we could move back in on the weekend of the 15. Joy! So right now, instead of being in my office of infinite stuffiness I am living out of boxes and using my laptop as a work computer. Wee!

Actually, it's more like Ugh. Double Ugh, even. Because today instead of doing any actual office work, I'm helping someone put my office back together. (It's a good a thing that I was extra productive at the beginning of the month so I actually have time to do this.)

But, now I have to get ready for work.

Later days.

And comment for Christ's Sake.

4-Dial-a-Slut... Safewalk's new Number!

2008-07-01T22:27:00.003-06:00

Just because I'm a little bit masochistic... Either that or because it's kind of like a bad car wreck and I just can't look away... I haven't been able to decide yet. Ugh...

Update of DOOM: Third time's the charm...

2008-06-09T10:25:00.004-06:00

So I realised the other day that I actually hadn't updated in quite some time. There have been rants and random grumblings but nothing really of substance for what is actually happening in my life. And for that dear readers I am sorry. But Hey, at least you've got something and something is always better than nothing. (Well maybe not always but what do you want from me? Really?)

So how is life in Bobbi Land? Actually it is rather pleasant. Pleasant like a nice rainy day. And if you know me and you know how much I love the rain than you know how pleasant it is.

So much has really happened that I'm not overly sure where to start. I suppose that I will start with school and work. I'm officially done school! Hells yah! I've decided after much thought and consideration that there was no way in the universe that I was going to be able to survive another year much less two to three more to finish my BEd. With that in mind I made the decision to work for a couple years before I return to school, which meant finding a good job that can pay the rent, bills and disgusting student loan payments that are coming my way. (Ugh!)

However I have remedied that. That's right. I have a fairly awesome spectacular job coming my way starting July 2. I can't freaking wait! Though it has meant that since the end of school until now and for the rest of the month I have had to find another job. First off I was working nights, which would have been fine if I didn't have a social life or friends. However since I was asleep while everyone else was awake and wanting to do things it made life rather hard. I was not a fan and thus I quit. I do not really like quiting things, especially when I know people are in dire straights but I couldn't continue to work there. Then I found a part time job at a daycare. They know that I'm done the end of the month and they have been really awesome to me. The staff and the kids are great.

So by now, if you don't already know, I bet that you are asking yourself what this awesome job is that I landed. Well... you are looking (ha!) at the new Assistant Director of a local daycare. I'm not going to say, just because I do not know all who reads this. And while I am sure that most people wouldn't be a problem I'd just rather not take the chance. Ask me in person if you really must know, also if it helps I've worked there before. Victory! I'm so excited about it. I honestly can't believe that I got the job. Especially just coming out of school. I was expecting to have to work in a playroom for quite sometime before I got something like this. I guess that I got lucky. Actually, I think that I was just in the right place at the right time.

The best part about this job is that it is a great stepping stone towards possibly opening my own daycare. And yes, I have thought about that. I think that it would be rather interesting to open my own, especially in a smaller centre like Wainwright. But then who knows what will happen in the future. I'm a fan of letting the future happen and rolling with it. So if there is an opportunity to open my own daycare, something small of course, then I will. If not... well it might just be something that I work toward making happen anyways.

Ok... so when I started writing this I was starting work on July 2 however I got news later that day that Vivian needed me to start early. So I started today! Which is more than a little bit crazy, but I rather enjoyed it. It was a good day of work, 7:30 to 4:30, and to be honest I don't feel like I accomplished much. I have a feeling that tomorrow will feel much the same and so will Monday and Tuesday. I'm hoping that by Wednesday I'll have created enough of a schedule and figured enough out that I actually feel productive. (Even sooner would be better.) There's a lot that I don't know but I know that once I pick it up it will go a lot smoother.

So... what else is happening asides from work and not school? Not too too much. My car is in the process of dying a horrible terrible death. I'll find out tomorrow if it's even able to pass a safety inspection. Go car! Baby isn't so healthy. Want the laundry list? Nope. Well too bad you're going to get it anyways. And the following things are what I know are wrong with it:

Oil Leak (major)
Power stearing leak (major)
Transmission leak (working it's way up to major)
Possible antifreeze leak though Mr. Lube wasn't sure
there is something wrong with my thermastat
there is something wrong with my idle, which may be related to my thermastat
it over heated recently.
the fan belt is loose
the block heater cord is broken
the front end... lots... I'm not even sure what is wrong. It might be my tye rods but I don't know. Let's just say that the stearing is pretty fucked up.
I need new tires on an epic level
the windshield should probably be replaced because it is sandblasted fairly heavily
and last but not least both the locking mechanisms and my outside door handles need to be replaced.

So... yah... I think it may just be time to retire the old girl and find a new car. I was hoping that she would last a couple of years but the previous owner bagged the shit out of her and now she's an old women instead of the hot young thing she used to be. It's not that I dislike old women... just old women cars. Baby has definitely seen better days. I guess that I am just going to have to wait and see what happens to her though. If it's a decent price (HA!) I should be able to fix her up with some much required help from the parental units. (Have I mentioned that I love my parents?) If it's not well then I'll just have to go from there. We'll see where I end up. Pretty much as long as I have a car I'll be happy.

But... I think that is it for the day. I'm rather tired and while there is more to say I just don't quite feel like sharing it yet. So until another day... Ciao.

200 Posts and Counting: The meaning behind nothing

2008-06-02T10:16:00.003-06:00

That's right. This is number 200. I realised it a while back after I finished going through my blog and fixing all the spelling mistakes and formating errors that have always bothered me. Then the next post was only going to be 199, but that post 200 was just around the corner. If I hadn't gone through my previous posts, I would have never noticed and it would have gone unmentioned just like posts 100, 150 and many others.

But then really what is in a number? Is 200 anymore remarkable than 100? Or even 10? What about 189? Numbers have meaning because we ascribe it to them. It may be arbitrary or based on mathematical concepts but that doesn't negate the fact that there would be no meaning if we didn't feel that everything has to have meaning.

Even our lives have to have meaning and in our search for meaning we have created Religion, ascribed meaning to arbitrary things that would generally mean nothing. Symbols become sacred because they have the right mathematical proportions. Look at the Eye of Horus. It is a symbol of protection, I carry one on my right wrist, and it only "works" if the proportions are right. However just because the very likely hood that the proportions on my eye are off doesn't mean that I don't hold out some belief that the meaning is still there. Actually, even if the proportions were exact I still doubt that it would help protect me but that is not the point. The point is that everyone who knows what the symbol is automatically ascribes the meaning to it.

Let's consider the number 100: In the grand scheme of things reaching the age of 100 is a monumental thing, unless you are a turtle, then you're still just a young-ling, oh and lets not forget that there are certain species of whales that may live up to several hundred years old. (For the life of me I can't remember which, but they frequent the Canadian North.) So it depends. Why is 25 so important? Because 100 can be divided into 4 equal parts of 25? But then what is so important about fourths?

Reaching your first birthday used to be an occasion because most children did not survive the first year of life. Now we still celebrate it like it is something monumental but the same significance no longer applies.

So my question stands: Do we really need to ascribe meaning to things? Would it just be better to live with the knowledge that everything is meaningless? Or do we really truly need to have the meaning to survive and more importantly thrive?

Another Tale from Internet Dating...

2008-04-27T18:26:00.004-06:00

So I got this message which said something to the effect of: If you are interested in a down to earth guy who doesn't want sex message me back.

Needless to say, I am not interested in someone who does not want sex. I am the quintessential sex fiend. (Well, not really, but I like the sex.) That being said I went to his profile to see if he was worth at least pursuing a friendship with. I mean, I'm a fan of friendships. I like talking to people. However, nothing really jumped out and I just wasn't all that interested in him. In fact, he seemed rather blah in the personality department. Now, that could be just the way that he wrote his profile or that he really was blah. I don't know. I don't pretend to know. So as there was no hope for this guy, I deleted the message that he sent me and decided to get on with what I was doing for the rest of the day... nothing. Wee!

Not five minutes after I deleted the message I get another one. Ok, ok. I've had guys message me twice before. I've had the pleading second message. They're kind of sad and pathetic and you almost want to send message back telling them that it'll be alright, don't worry, you'll find someone.

This was not that message. This was this message:

You should not be so stuck up. have fun with the horny guys. you would not know a decent guy if it bit ya on the ass

Umm... What does one say to that? I mean really and truly, what does one say? I was going to go on about how he obviously has an inability to properly construct sentence and wouldn't know proper grammar if it bit him on the ass. But that's not what came out. What came out was something else.

Here is my response:

One: I am not stuck up. I do not reply right away, ever. Or I usually do not reply right away, as I like to think about things before I do them. I've managed to meet some fairly creepy people on here and because of that I like to look over the profile and then think about it for a bit before I reply. I think that it's allowed. However I've decided to judge you as a special case, and therefore you get an immediate reply. Congratulations!

Two: Get over yourself. Does it make you feel any better about yourself that sent a mean spiteful message after you didn't get an immediate reply? I mean seriously, who do you think you are? Do you send everyone a second when they don't respond within a set time frame? Or is it only after they delete your first message? Because that is really and truly woefully pathetic.

Three: Please do not comment on me. You do not know me. I realise that this may sound somewhat hypocritical after my last two points but in light of what seems like an obvious inability to realise that not everyone needs to jump when you say jump, I feel that I am justified. I do not need to reply to you. There is nothing here that says I do. I very rarely reply to people. Something has to catch my attention either in the message or failing that in the profile. And then, I still think about it. Why should I reply to ever Tom,****and Harry? Especially if there is nothing that attracts me?

Four: I hate to be this blunt, but you don't attract me. Either physically or with your personality, which is entirely more important. I do not consider myself a vain or shallow person but personality is something that I need. I have a very strong personality, I don't like it when the people around me do not have strong personalities. I tend over power them and it's boring. So while I am sure that you are nice and possibly interesting person, I don't have an interest to get to know you. And I don't have to. It's allowed.

Finally... Just a piece of advise, if someone doesn't reply. Don't take it personally. Move on, talk to someone new. Maybe they are not looking for someone who just wants to talk, maybe they are looking for someone to boff their brains out. Maybe they are looking for someone who wants a serious relationship. Or maybe, they're kind of like me and not really sure what they are looking for. They know what they are not interested in but not what does peak their fancy. sh*thappens, life goes on. Stop being bitter and spiteful.

So what do you think? And additionally, what would you have responded?

EDIT: So apparently he read and deleted my message back without comment. And here I was hoping that we could continue our little tussle. What ever happened to verbal sparing? Are people just unable to hold up a decent argument anymore?

Some Food for Thought

2008-03-25T20:51:00.005-06:00

I'm sure that we all by now have figured out where I lie on the sexual spectrum of doom. I think that saying a little left of centre would be an understatement. I think that mostly left of centre is a lot closer to where I am. That being said this little diddity spoke to me and I wanted to share it with you.

Little Diddity

NSFW and may offend those with closed minds. Watch and enjoy away.

I have proof: Mom, it's all your fault!

2008-03-01T19:54:00.001-07:00

You might want to read this first:
Spank-a-licious

And now for those of you who don't like reading my links, here is a brief summary. (I mean really, how hard is it to click a link and read it people. The only people I forgive are dial up users. The rest of you suck. I mean... *lurves*)

Summary in Brief:
Apparently there are studies that say spanking your child turns them into sexual deviants who engage in "risky sex such as premarital sex without using a condom; and masochistic sex such as spanking during sex."

OH NOES! What is our world coming to!?! You want to know the really scary thing. The studies that they are talking about are all done by the same person. Intriguing isn't it? Sounds to me like someone has an agenda. IF I were to even contemplate the validity of this information I would need several studies, WAY more than four from untold different sources that have absolutely no relation to each other. And even then I sincerely doubt that I would be able to believe the absolute bullshit that is being spewed here.

Why? Because there are many different factors that sexual preference relies on. And if they are right I don't want to know what I would be like if my mother spanked me more than the one time that she did. Gods. I'd never have "normal" sex. Apparently, the more often you're spanked the more likely you are to be a real deviant. I think that my favourite analogy that they use is when the compare it to smoking and lung cancer. Obviously making the connection between a cancer and sexual deviance. Apparently, I'm sick because I like pain mixed with my pleasure. Bastards. Apparently I'm sick because I like to be tied down and made to feel helpless. Apparently I'm sick because I have no desire to be in control of the situation while I'm engaging in "risky masochistic sex" that involves spanking, bondage and all other manner of depravity. Gods.

I hate making this comparison, but it begs to be said. It wasn't too long ago that homosexuality was qualified as a mental disorder. In fact there are still those out there that are proponents of the theory. Every time we take a step forward, we take two steps back. This just isn't in our ability to accept people for people regardless of who they are but in so many other aspects. Apparently we are more than a little resistant to change. I don't see what is so inherently bad about two grown adults consenting to something that makes them both hot, excited and turned on. Hell, I don't see what the problem is if it's more than two adults, as long as everyone there is capable of consenting to what is happening. Three little words to live by people: SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. Didn't Kinsey already open the bag of worms? Didn't we already know that people tend to be giant perverts in the sack?

And I mean if just one spanking was enough to turn me into the wonderful and lovable sexual deviant that we all know and love, imagine what two would have done never mind if spankings would have been a regular occurrence. I'd never leave my room and become one of those really scary sexual deviants that your mother told you about. Wait... I think I'm there already. (And why is your mother talking about me? Tell her to please mind her own business. She does not know me.) The only reason I leave my room is because even the most dedicated pain slut needs a break sometimes. Geesh.

Kidding, kidding. Kind of. Not really. But either way, just because I like pain doesn't mean that it was derived from the one time delivered spanking at the hands of my mother. Gods. It's just the way that I am wired. I'd like to think that I am a rather special person who can go from zero to horny in you just bit me on the shoulder because that's who I am not because I was spanked as a child. I wasn't traumatised by the incident, or the few times that my mother smacked my hand away from something dangerous. Hell, the first couple sexual encounters that I had were very vanilla and blasé. Nothing more exciting than insert peg a into slot b. I found that sex was not all that I thought it should be, that it was lacking in something to make it that special thing that everyone seemed to be concerned with.

I figured it out on my own later. How? It answer was simple my dear. How many people are turned on by getting a tattoo? I don't know, but I certainly am. I have never been so horny as right after I got my cross done. If there would have been someone that was willing and able I would have been up for it right there. Regardless of how sore I was or maybe in spite of it. Subsequent tattoos have been a lot easier to deal with.

So it was something that I came to, over time. And have learned to love, over time. There are still aspects of my fantasies that I'm not sure that I will ever be able to play out. They scare me almost as much as they turn me on, and that's saying a lot. I would love to be able to trust someone enough to know that I could tell them about it, at the very least. I still don't think that I would ever be able to act on it... and that's probably for the best. Who knows what I future hold though? I know I sure don't.

Fun times and Internet Dating

2008-03-01T13:26:00.002-07:00

So you know that inevitable creepazoid that you meet at online dating sites? Well up until now, not ten minutes ago, I have been fortunate to avoid said creeper. But... alas, that time is over now. I have officially met myself a creepazoid. Gods. Not that he really did anything bad. More that he just didn't take the hint. And I totally wasn't hinting subtly.

I can be subtle when I either feel the need or the want. But then I can also be subtle like an elephant hiding behind an aspen tree, not subtle at all. I think if I talk to him again I'll just point blank tell him off instead. However, I'll have to talk to him again to be able to do that and I don't really see that happening. *shudder* Creepy creepy person. *shudder*

It was just this vibe he gave off. I think it was mostly that he was trying too hard. Pushing that we should meet. What if I don't want to meet you huh? I was ok talking with him because he seemed normal and not completely crazy. Gha. So much for my character judging skills. Epic Fail on this one. Durr.

Pushed Back Again

2008-02-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

Assassin's Creed was pushed back again. April 8 from March 25.

God, I hate being a PC gamer some days.

How many can you take?

2008-02-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

Rant: Some people just never learn

2008-02-21T19:16:00.003-07:00

OK, this is going to be short and sweet. I know that this doesn't reach a wide readership. A fact I somewhat bemoan and wish were otherwise but if I can at least get you silly gits to get this right then I will have at least started somewhere.

St. Patrick's Day is around the corner (My favourite holiday next to Halloween) and it is common to abbreviate it because our culture is lazy and we like to get things done now. That being said I cannot begin to count how many times I have seen it abbreviated Patty's.

THIS IS WRONG.

Patty is a nickname for Patricia or other FEMALE names of the like. Paddy is the male nickname for Patrick or other male names of the like.

So this St. Patrick's Day please remember that it's St. PaDDy, not St. PaTTy.

Thank you and good night.

Eat it Facebook!

2008-02-12T15:37:00.001-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that application spamming is the devil. I would like to add some applications, especially the little quizzie ones. I mean at least to see what the answer is right? There is like a 99% probability that I would delete it after I got the answer. I mean all I want is the bloody answer but I've got to invite 15 people to take the bloody quiz. GAH! Angridie! Fuck you Facebook for allowing application spamming.

Well on a more different note... I've started watching Roswell again. I thinking I'm going to marathon it. Everyone loves a good Roswellian Marathon.

Kiss the Rain - Billie Myers

2008-02-10T04:02:00.002-07:00

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
Were under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You cant wait till morning
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain
Kiss the rain

I love this song. Love, Love, Love. I always have. But as much as I love it I find it incredibly sad. I've been listening to it for might now. Probably more than I should. Songs like this should only be listened to and then moved on from. Otherwise you are left feeling empty and alone. Empty and alone. I don't like that feeling at all and I find all too often that's my default feeling.

Don't get me wrong. I have great friends, who love me dearly and are always there for me. My family couldn't be more important to me. I'm generally happy, if not a little bit stressed. I really can't complain. I have a good life. But it sits there in the background, almost as if something is missing. I don't really know what it is, nor do I really want to speculate. I don't want to think/believe/contemplate that this empty feeling is because I lack an intimate relationship. I've lived almost 24 years and while I can say that I have been single for the vast majority of them I don't really think that the years 0 - 17(ish) really count.

So barring that I've lived almost 7 years single, so why is it now that I feel like I can no longer be single. It's a reoccurring theme, I know. But... it's different. I don't really know how to explain it. In the past it was like a mild annoyance that was at the worst tolerable, at the best completely ignorable. Now, it is as if there is nothing that can ultimate distract me from it. I don't want to be one of those women who feels that she needs a man in her life, so why do I feel this way? Logically, I know that I don't need someone to be happy and more importantly that if I cannot be happy on my own I can never be happy with someone but logic no longer appeals.

Gods! I'm beginning to feel like I'm cursed.

No, no... I know it's not true. I am nothing, if not a logical person. But I just keep wondering how many times I have to keep learning the same lesson over and over again. It's not as if I don't get the lesson. I do. Believe me, I got it about the thousandth time. However, it seems that I am to learn more about it still. I've really lost track of the number that I'm on now. It helps that I decided long ago to not separate platonic and romantic relationships. It's the same damn lesson with a slightly different subtext. Maybe that's why I keep having to "re-learn" it. Or maybe, and Gods I hope not, it's that I never really got it in the first place.

My mom says that we are all on this Earth to learn some kind of lesson, and that I'm here to learn about relationships. In specific, I'm to learn about trust. *glee* Can you feel my enthusiasm? (Sorry, I live for the sarcasm.) It's not that I don't know and understand the lesson, it's that I don't put it into practise. I think. I mean what else could it be? Unless I am missing some critical component of my lessons that gets lost in translation. I really hope it isn't that. I don't want to go through that again. I've already restructured this lesson enough. I don't need to do it again.

Bah. Fuck it all. Fuck all of it. I'm going to be a very happy old women with her Doberman Pinschers and Rottweilers. I'll let them feed on mail carriers and feed the left overs to my tank of piranha. The bones and what-not can be dissolved in lime. Good times all 'round. Can't wait.

Just Because I can...

2008-01-31T12:59:00.001-07:00

Happy Last Day of January! Woo! No... I just wanted to write this to let people know that contrary to what you may be thinking I am good. Actually feeling really decent in spite of my last blog. What can I say? I was having a bad day. We're all allowed to have a bad day. It's what happens when I start thinking about certain things. Like what is going to happen in April... and other things that I will leave be for now. Meh...

Also... here's to number 10 this month! Woo! Double digits!

*lurves* and thanks for reading!

Semi Charmed Life: Living a Lie

2008-01-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

Some days I would just rather jump off a building than actually consider doing my homework. Why? Not because I dislike my homework. Not because I do not know how to do my homework. I consider it because I am tired of doing homework. I am 23 years old and I am still in school. STILL in school! Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell am I still in school? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I have been in school since I was 4. 4. I’m turning 24 this March. That means that I will have been in school for 2 decades. Or a large, huge, giant, most of my life. Yes. Most of my life. And I’m sick of it. I want to be done. I want to not be in school anymore. Or at the very least I want to be in school that doesn’t make me think, I want to be doing school that I enjoy unequivocally. I would kill to be doing my BA with a specialisation in Religious Studies. It never mattered how hard the work was in my religion classes. I love it. I was there 110%. And it didn’t always make sense. I had to work for it. But I loved it. It made me happy and I was glad to be doing it. The shit that I am doing now... yah, I understand it. I get it. Hell I’m mostly really good at it. But I just don’t care. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to be doing what I am doing anymore. It’s not fun. It’s not what I thought it would be and most importantly I don’t really think that I like any more.

How exciting!

What I wouldn’t give to be anywhere but here. Doing something that wasn’t this. I hate my life. I mean actually hate my life. I just don’t care. A person should not be this unhappy about the thing that they are supposed to be doing for the rest of their life. What I wouldn’t give to start all over again. I’m thinking hard about it. I think that the best way to do that is to take a couple years off, pay off some of my huge debt (let’s not talk about it ok?) and then start in on doing something that I enjoy. You know what I really want to do with my life? I want to get my BA, get my masters in religious theory and then get my PhD. That’s what I want to do. I want to become a professional reliogiousity type. I want to be able to tell you everything little thing there is to know about what I think is the coolest thing ever. I want to become a fucking expert on Christianity. Why? Why the fuck not? Hands down, the best two classes that I have ever taken, and the two that I will always remember stuff from are my History of Christianity class and my Science and Religion class. Why? Because the content interested me. I wasn’t the best at it, well ok, I got my one and only A in my history of religion class but that is beside the point. I worked for the fucking A. I deserved it. My Science and Religion class... I think I got a C. Not my best effort but admittedly I understand more about the material in that class then other classes I got higher grades in. I can apply it and make it make sense to other people. So what if I can’t regurgitate it? I can’t regurgitate half the shit that I’ve learned, but I know it, and I can apply it. What is the more important concept here? That you can regurgitate the knowledge or that you can apply and understand the knowledge? What does it matter that the best mark I ever got on a paper was not one that was expecting me to spew knowledge but the one that asked for my educated opinion and the information to back it up? It doesn’t. And it doesn’t because society expects people to be able to create testable results. Testable Results. We need to be able to prove that we know things. Who fucking cares if you know what it means, just prove that you know it! God I hate school.

I suppose it is less that I hate my life and more that I hate some of the circumstances of my life. It would be nice to be rich and be able to go and do whatever pointless schooling that I want. It would be nice to know that even though I have officially wasted six years of my life for two different programs that I absolutely have no care to be in I still have more than enough money to roll around in. Yes, it would be nice to know that after I am done school finally I would not be in excess of 52, 000$ in debt. 52, 000$. And that only the tally after this latest school year. I know, I know. Money doesn’t buy happiness and that apparently if I had money it would only serve to make my other problems that do not revolve around money come to face, but let me tell you, I do not have problems that I cannot link back to the fact that I am poor as fuck, and will be for quite some time, that I have not either dealt with or are more trivial than spilt milk. And on the concept of other problems, the major problem that I willing to fess up to, at least to myself, I would be more willing to deal with and look at if I had the time to. And by time I mean the ability to take time out of my schedule so I can deal with it. And really... time is money when you don’t have it. If I’m not working during the summer I wouldn’t be able to live. So I’ve decided that I cannot afford to take the time off to go and talk to someone about my mental health. Money is more important than my health. How sad is that? I mean there is a damn good chance that I suffer from some form of depression/anxiety disorder or possibly even bi-polar disorder. (I do have really high highs and very low lows and my mom worries.) But I just cannot justify being able to go out and figuring that shit out and I really should.

You know what’s unhappy? Thinking about shit like this makes me very anxious. I can feel the panic building in my chest as I sit here typing it out. I can feel my breath getting shorter and my heart rate accelerating. The first tell tale signs of a panic attack. The next is the weight that settles in on my chest making it hard to breathe as well and the breaths just get shorter. Before you know it you’re hyperventilating, there’s tears streaming down your face and you don’t know up from down. And you cannot figure out for the life of you why you have completely lost control. Nothing makes any sense at all and if you don’t calm down right fucking NOW it’s going to get really bad. You start hyperventilating so bad that your vision swims in front of you. You’re light headed from a lack of oxygen and it feel like you’re going to throw up. You stand up to move closer to the washroom just in case this time you do and everything goes black. Seconds tick by and you wonder for a moment if this is the time that you’ll pass out. You stumble from your bed and collapse to sitting in front of the toilet. Stick your head between your legs and debate on calling someone. But who? Who do you call? You don’t know. Your mind is a total blank... You run through the list of people that you trust and find it empty. The same list that only minutes ago was full of people that you would tell you’re deepest secret to has collapsed into nothingness. There is no one and it only serves to increase your panic. You think to yourself that if only you can get a hold of yourself everything will OK. It won’t be alright but it’ll be OK. How do you get a hold of yourself? You’ve spiralled completely out of control. You’re breathing is so erratic that standing would cause you to collapse and you’re sobbing so hard that you can’t even see you hand in front of your face. How do you get a hold of yourself? You fixate on how to get a hold of yourself. You chant a mantra to yourself to try and gain some semblance of control, some iota of bearings on what has just happened to throw you into the deep end. Don’t think about the deep end, chant that mantra. Chant it. It’s what keeps you sane. It is the only thing in the whole world that makes any lick of sense and yet it still doesn’t seem to work very well. Slowly very slowly you realise that you’re not crying anymore, that your breathing has slowed down and you can see again. Your head hurts. Your eyes hurt. Your lungs hurt. But you can breathe again; you can see again; you found that control you were looking for.

And if you’re very lucky this whole experience took less than half the day. If you’re not, who knows? There have been times where it was like the whole bloody week was a panic attack. You get very good at hiding just how insane you really are. You laugh and smile with the people around you while the whole time you are completely falling apart. You are crumbling and no one knows it. Secretly you hope that someone notices that you are not happy, that you are not alright. You hope that some confronts you, and confronts you until you break down. Until all that insanity breaks out and takes over. But with each time you get better at hiding it, you get better at not showing it, you get better at faking what you are really feeling. You get so good at it emotions become empty. They’re not real. They are something to be produced for the public, friends and family and everything you really feel is empty. You are a void. You live life on autopilot: you laugh when you are supposed to, you smile when you are supposed to, you get angry when you are supposed to, but you never cry. Never cry. Because then the whole carefully constructed balance of lies would come tumbling down. You never cry. You are devoid of emotion. You never cry. You never cry. You never cry. You go home at night and cry, because it’s all that you can do. You never cry.

On a Happier Note...

2008-01-28T19:36:00.002-07:00

"Listen here you little spazoids, I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you."

I love Mitchell... I think I'll have to remember that line and use it on some little spazoids myself. I love Tommy Boy.

Assassin's Creed: I have to wait until March! Fucking March!

2008-01-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

Assassin's Creed

I'm pissed off. I have to wait until March 25 for Assassin's Creed. Fuck. I knew that it was delayed but I was hoping that it wasn't going to be that late. Fuck, it days like this that I wish I had a console... *grumble*

Fucking March 25. I better fucking get it for my birthday or something... Fuck. Why didn't it come out with the console version! Seriously! It's been out since November! NOVEMBER! NOVEMBER! I hate console gamers right now. I hate them so much.

Yhar! There be cold Weather afoot; Zen and the art of Snowboarding.

2008-01-28T02:15:00.001-07:00

So... It's -28 and Baby starts. Took a little persuasion but she started. I was proud of her. However, I am going to leave her in her warm garage for the week while I bus it to school. Just seems like the smart thing to do. It's not like I have a place to plug her in while she waits out in the cold for me, because I don't.

Went snowboarding this weekend. It was awesome, minus Sunday, which was too bloody cold. We did get to leave early so that we were home early, so it wasn't all bad. Friday and Saturday were awesome though. Actually, they were more than awesome. I'm so sore but it was all worth it. I love snowboarding. It clears the mind and I can think without anything crowding my head. It's my Zen. Went with Amber. It was lots of fun. Good times and hang outs.

I have some awesome pictures that I'm going to post later of the weather, and LOL that was drawn on Amber's windshield. But that's a whole n'other story. A short but good one. All I'm going to say is that they were cute guys and they were flirting up a storm with my travel partner. Wooo!

Deadline to decide if I'm moving is in T-4 days and I have no clue. I should move, it'll be cheaper, but I really really do not want to move. I hate moving. It sucks balls. And besides all that I still don't know what's happening to Sam's stuff if I do move. She hasn't said anything yet and I don't know what to do with it if I do move. Gods help me.

Anywhoozle, that is my mini update. Nothing really much happening in my life so it's short but sweet. Keep it real y'all.

P.S. Comment. I'm lonely.

Mini Rant: The Great Blood/Organ Boycott

2008-01-14T09:38:00.001-07:00

So in case you don't know what I know: CLICK

Now if you were too lazy to read the above link, and I know I would be, here is a summary. The Canadian Government and Health Ministry have decided that gay males organs are just too risky to use and thus need to be not used because they are classified a "high risk" group for HIV/AIDS and other STIs. (Sexually transmitted infections, its the new STD. We quit using STD because it's a misnomer.) Now while I'm a little put out about this new policy, I can understand why it was put in place. It's simpler than having to test every gay man that walks through the door to say, "Hey, I'd like to donate my organs." But this isn't what this blog is about, and furthermore my beliefs on this whole currfuffle are very involved... so let's not get into it. I'll just spark an argument.

The point of this blog is that some people think it would be advisable to boycott organ donation until the government and health ministry rethink their current opinion and change it to the demands of the belligerent and morally sound opinion of the ignorant majority of Liberal Canadian Protesters. (Ugg.) Now... I'm not saying that maybe this group doesn't have a point. I think they do. But like so often they completely seem to lack the mental capacity to understand where the other side is coming from. And as I have said before, and will say time and time again, before you can adequately protest about your side, you first need to understand the other side. But... again I am getting side tracked.

Boycott Organ Donation.

Yes. That makes complete sense. I'm so proud of the person who come up with that one. And the guy who said that he cut up his organ donor card and sent it back to the health ministry. Wow. That'll really help the issue. What issue is that? That we don't have enough organ donors as it is. I don't know the exact statistics, and frankly I'm not in a mood to look them up (how's that for a change) but the wait lists are stupid long, and if memory serves me correctly many people on them die before reaching the top in order to receive the organ they need. Now, admittedly saying that all gay men who have had sex, regardless of the kind: protected, unprotected, within a monogamous relationship or with multiple people, in the last five years cannot donate their organs removes a significantly large portion of the population that donates. But like I said this blog isn't about my issues with that. It's about my issues with the morons who think it would be great to boycott organ donation.

Wait... The government policy has now removed a significant chunk of our population from donating organs so the belligerent public is going to remove another significant portion to protest. Does this make sense? Aren't there already enough people dying because there aren't enough organs to go around? Do you really want to contribute to the death of another person because you're put out that gays can't donate their organs? The key issue is not that gays can't donate, it's that regardless of that, people will die if people don't donate. The majority of organs are turned down because the donor is classified as unsuitable for some reason or another. And there are many, not just because they were gay and weren't abstinent for five years prior. People that are too fat are turned down because their organs are usually overworked. I'd be turned down because I've had tattoos done in the last twelve months. The list goes on. So why are people thinking that it would be such a great idea to boycott donating their organs, when it is hard enough to get good organs, just because they are put out about some new government policy?

Be put out. But don't be an asshole about it. Jesus. Be smart people, there are better ways to protest then killing people.

The Life and Times of a Sexual Deviant

2008-01-12T14:10:00.001-07:00

So I was reading this post again and I’m still caught up on it. I don’t know why, but I am. Apparently this is something of great importance for me this year. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m finally growing up enough to be in a “mature responsible adult relationship.”

That’s a scary thought right there. I’m all for the mature, the responsible, and the adult. It’s the relationship part that kind of freaks me out. I don’t think that my brain handles the idea of a relationship very well. It’s annoying and it begs the question of why. Why is this such a conundrum for me to wrap my precious little head around?

Simply, I don’t know. With complexity, I know less.

Who wants to explore the dark damp recesses of the mind to divulge why they have difficulties with forming mature, responsible, adult relationships? I know I sure don’t, however it seems as if I do not have the choice in this matter. It seems that I am intrigued more and more by the concept regardless of how much I would really rather explore the dark damp recesses behind my toilet instead. Cleaning is gross, but it washes off in a shower. Discovering why you are incapable of feeling like you can form a relationship does not wash off. It stays with you and you have to learn to deal with it like a mature, responsible adult. It lingers. You have to fix the problem before it can be re-shelved, and even then you can’t forget the memory of it or it’ll come back to haunt you.

Admittedly it’s already there, but a person is just not fully aware of it yet. They have to discover it, seek it out. Unbury it from a mountain of other issues that may or may not have something to do with the entire concept to begin with. Creating, as it were, a make work project. First you have to deal with all the other issues before you can deal with the issue that is driving you up the freaking wall! Well that sounds like a barrel of fucking monkeys. Please, please! Can I be next? Please! I absolutely love exploring my deep set issues! It’s so much fun!

(This is why I doubt that therapy would ever be a good choice for me. I’m entirely too willing to be a sarcastic bitch about the whole god damn thing.)

I’ve been mildly pursuing this task, mostly in the confines my own mind, where it is safer and I can deny anything that I feel like, but occasionally with friends. It’s with the friends that I unearth the actual truth though. Friends are great for not letting you hide from yourself. And believe me; I’m getting really good at that. If you ever need the lessons... I mean, NO. Bad Friend! No hiding from yourself!

So... where was I again?

Riiight. Deep set issues. Wow. It’s like a conversation killer. “Hey, want to explore my deep set issues with me? It’ll be fun!” “Sure, George sounds like a freaking blast! And by blast I mean horrible painful event, and by sure I mean No fucking way!”

What are my deep set issues? I guess the biggest one, and really it’s a hindrance to everything that I do that involves relationship period, whether they are romantic, platonic or professional, is my lack of the trusting of people. I’m the reverse of the legal system. You’re all guilty until proven otherwise. Wha-hahaha! Suckers, didn’t see that one coming did you? Unlike some people, I don’t outright test whether people are trust worthy, I just assume that you’re not. That way nobody gets hurt, and by nobody I mean me. There are people out there that I trust, and as to why I start trusting them, I really couldn’t tell you. More often than not it’s an automatic thing. I meet them and automatically assume that they are trust worthy. It’s odd but it hasn’t failed me yet. The others have more than earned my trust and respect though trial by fire. Not one of my own creation but one that happens to occur naturally in nature/life.

As to why I don’t trust people, that is a simple answer and a complex answer. Boiled down to the core is that while I was probably one of the most trusting individuals as a young child I was ruined by my peers. Elementary sucked donkey balls, junior high was worse, and high school I managed to squeak through without too much hassle. And there have been a few key people in university that have kept the torch alive so to speak. They were great people really. Gotta love ‘em. I guess it was a lesson that I was suppose to learn, though I think that the better lesson would be that people are trustworthy but remember that they are also fallible. I just got the “people are not trustworthy, trust no one. They will all burn you in the end.” Good times.

Secondly, for no apparent reason, I’m against commitment, kind of but not really. Does that make sense to you? Because I know I sure as hell get confused when I think about it. I’m all for committed relationships, and I think that commitment is a positive thing that the world could use a shit-load more of. I feel that the divorce rate would be significantly lower if people didn’t walk into marriages with the concept that “well if it doesn’t work I can get a divorce.” You are supposed to be making a commitment to this person, make it. There are always deal breakers, but Jesus Christ, at least pretend to realise that a relationship is hard work and requires effort on the part of both people to make it work.

Furthermore, when I am in a relationship, I want it to be just about me and the other person. I’m all for open relationships if that is what works for you, but if I’m going to be in a relationship I want it to be between the people involved and not outsiders. I’m not going to discount the possibility of a polyphilia situation but I doubt that I would be completely comfortable in it. Now regardless of all that, I start to get antsy when I think about being in a committed relationship. It makes me twitchy. I want a commitment without having to say that I’m committed.

I think.

I’m not so sure any more. I’ve really thought this one to death and it’s stopped making sense. It has become a huge jumble in my brain and I don’t know how to sort it out anymore. Glory be!

Finally, I come to what I feel is the most intriguing aspect of it. Why? Because it’s fucked up. Because unlike my other two issues, that I understand for the most part and am more than willing to explore further and all that jazz, I do not want to know why this issue presents itself. I do not want to explore it. I’m scared by it. I would like to forget that it exists and just continue on about my life oblivious and carefree. I’ve been asked if it’s empowering. It was, at first. Lookie at me! I sure can separate the sex and the emotion. Sex without emotion is just fucking. However the more I look at it the more I realise that I don’t know if I’ve had sex with emotion. I mean there’s passion and the hedonistic pleasure of the event but can that be emotion? Is that emotion?

What is emotion? I don’t want to have sex that moves me to tears because of the deep level of emotion in it. I don’t know if I can. I know that I am not a-emotional. I have emotions. But the sex that I have does not. It’s just animistic. I suppose that there are other ways to show emotion to people that you care about. But it stills scares me. And what is at the core of this? Why is it that I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why? Why? Why? I don’t think it’s healthy. There is a difference between separating sex and emotion and sex being completely devoid of emotion. There should be something, shouldn’t there? It’s not like I’m not there, in the moment. I am. I’m generally not making to do lists while I have sex, that’s just boring sex. I’m there.

But there’s nothing there but the sex and 99 times out of 100 I would be perfectly content if when the sex was over I could just go to sleep and not have anyone there to disturb my sleep. “Thanks for the sex and I’ll see you next time.” I haven’t experienced that 1 time in a long time now. It’s been a good old while where I was happy to have other person there and want them to be there. I’m not going to kick someone out, but I really don’t care if they’re there or not. I’d be content either way.

C’est la vie, I guess. I suppose that one day I’ll figure it out but until then I’ll just pretend that it isn’t true. Errr... I mean... diligently work through it on my own... Riiight... That’s what I’m going to do... totally.

Brainwashed by Fashion

2008-01-07T20:58:00.001-07:00

There I was reading my last few blogs, because I generally don't like to "reprint" things that I have already stated but I'm still intrigued by the issues/concepts/ideas (or whatever readers want to call them) I put forth in this entry.

Why?

To be honest, I don't really completely know or understand. Maybe it is because I want to understand. Maybe it's because I find that my blog is better therapy then a shrink would be. Because even though I know 99.99% of the readership I have the illusion of anonymity. Ah... The illusion of being anonymous, invisible, unknown. It does wonders for the soul. I have to bare my soul somewhere, here it's safe. Or at least it is in my mind. I don't have to confront people about what I am saying. I just say it and maybe if I'm lucky someone will comment about it. But either way it's not real. It's an illusion. Nothing is more real and nothing is less so at the moment when I push the button to publish this post. It is everything and nothing. And here you were thinking I was going to talk about sex again weren't you? Pervert.

No... I'll get there eventually. Like I said, I'm still intrigued by what I was talking about before. I'm always intrigued by my adventures in the world of romance, sex and relationships. It can be so entertaining if I try and remember that I'm not actually the one living it. But first... I was feeling philosophical. A girl can be philosophical can't she? I like to think so. Even if it is about why she continually over-share's on her blog. But really... it makes sense, doesn't it? It's like a diary that people comment on. And these comments give you a whole n'other perspective to consider. It opens other avenues and concepts to explore and consider. It gives you something to see how people see you, instead of how you see yourself. Self reflection is all well and good but seriously sometimes it is considerably lacking. Most people are too wrapped up in themselves to see true. To see what actually needs to be address and what doesn't. For example, how many woman and even men, now think that they are overweight? Why? Especially those that obviously are not. Because society has managed to brain wash itself with Fashion.

Death to Fashion! The average size of a super model today is 00, while in the 1980s it was a 6. Marylin Monroe was a size 16. Guess what? I'm a size 16. Fuck you fashion. The only different between me and Marylin is that she managed to procure a waist during puberty, on that, I was a dismal failure... well... I don't have much of an ass either. But really... pull the whole thing together and while I'm no "super model" I think that I look pretty damn good. You should see my bride's maid dress. (My sister is getting married in July.) Damn I'm hot!

Err... Ok... so as with almost everyone else in the world there are aspects about myself I'd like to fix. Two to be exact. One: my spare tire. I've had it for as long as I can remember, I don't think since puberty hit full force I've had the "flat stomach." When I'm in shape and what not, it's next to non-existent but its still there. Go spare tire. Sometimes it's a mini sometimes it's a full sized. I've learned to love it as a part of me but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be a smaller part of me. Two: my breast. I'm sick of 'em. I really am. They're heavy, and my back hurts, and my lungs feel like there's a thirty pound weight sitting on my chest... oops... wait... there is! I don't sit up straight, so I cramp my lungs. If I don't start sitting up straight I could develop a dowager's hump, and that's sexy as hell. So yah... It's fair to say that I damn near hate my breasts. I could go with a good small C. That'd be nice. I don't think I've been a C since about grade 9. All I know is I hit D in grade 10. And I'm sure as hell not a DD anymore either. I don't want to get size properly but I do know that I don't fit anything that I can find in the regular shops anymore. And on the off chance that I do find something its the most uncomfortable piece of shit that I have ever tried on. So... Yah... I'm human. But I'm a human in a society brain washed by fashion.

But Bobbi... What about the sex? Weren't you going to talk about the sex?

Pervert.

The Matrix: Reloaded

2008-01-07T18:48:00.001-07:00

Most of what I'm going to say here has probably already been said by at least on critic. But then really it goes without saying; sometimes things just deserve to be said more than once.

Whoa.

I think that line more than any really speaks to the awesomeness that is The Matrix: Reloaded. Why? Because it is that one line that Neo manages to deliver time and time again with emotion. It's sad that a CG rendition of of the actor has a greater capacity to deliver a more emotionally moving action sequence then the actual actor has.

Then there is the ever epic dance/sex scene set to what is an awesome techno track I do say. I personally get more enjoyment out of the quasi sex that is happening on the dance floor then is happening in the bedroom. And trust me when I say it I know how Trinity feels. And believe me, sex that vanilla is not as exciting as the music makes it seem. In fact its a lot more like the ending. Sad and emo like, with the strategically placed foot to cover up the Keanu ass that no one wants to see.

I think the only good thing about the whole bloody thing is Agent Smith, and even that gets over done to the point that it soon becomes painful. It starts off cool enough. "I have something for him, a gift. You see, he set me free..." And what with his ability to copy himself, even into living humans that move beyond the Matrix. (A little unbelievable for me but then who's to say what the mind is truly capable of.) It just becomes ridiculous when they all show up and still can't take down a "mere human." Blarg!

I think that worst thing about the whole bloody thing is the constant references to Jesus and the Bible... I mean at least in the Matrix is was subtle. It was there but only to the trained observer, someone who had actually read the Bible with any amount of retention. But in the Matrix: Reloaded and Revolutions it blatant and practically painful. It's so obvious that even the most devote of non-religious types who know even the most basic information about aforementioned historical/religious references can ascertain what the hell they are getting at. Neo is Jesus. And this is just the Bible story made in a relevant media.

Oh and last but certainly not least are the spectacular awesome sound effects. Who ever was the Foley artist would be better suited to making cartoons! The best example is when Neo is originally fighting off the pack of Smiths they all pile on top of him and he, inevitably manages to throw them all off while hanging on to one. This poor bastard he throws in a pack of waiting Smiths (because they are all idiots) and as they fall over it sounds like bowling pins. I suppose it fits though, considering the shoddy job of CG that that managed to scrape together. At least it looks like a cartoon when there are cartoon sound effects.

But... I am at a loss for words concerning this dribble... and uninspired by Keanu's inability to act. Though I must admit he does a pretty damn good job in Constantine. I like that one. I don't know why.

A Year in Reflection...

2008-01-03T22:51:00.001-07:00

It's officially 2008 and while I don't really know about the rest of you but sometimes the new year gets me to thinking, mostly about the previous year. What it was like and all that Jazz. And honestly, while this wasn't the best year ever, it was far from the worst year on record. (That was 2006... ugg.)

2007 started out strong enough. I went snowboarding with Care and her family (They are tres awesome) thus missing out on the first couple days of school. Which is always a bonus. I hurt my foot but all in all it was a good time. I mean you can't go wrong carving down the slopes behind the Tamarack chair at Marmot. Sexy. All kinds of sexy. The best part was that I bought a season's pass which I put to good use. I got way more then my money's worth. It was a good year for snowboarding.

Went out to Kimberley for another trip of snowboarding awesomeness. Great times all 'round. Found some spectacular powder, that was totally worth the hike. I'm getting rather good in the powder now. The best part of the trip though was tackling the same track I took in grade 9 and totally acing it instead of being completely being owned my it. I remember it being so much harder when I was in grade 9.

School itself went really well until a spectacular bout of anxiety and depression pulled me through the floor. I can honestly say that I haven't experienced anything like that before. And I've spent a large chunk of my life hanging out in that end of the pool I think I am more than qualified to talk about it. (Didn't really see that coming did you?) I even went to the doctor and got me some fun little pills. While they certainly levelled me out and removed the anxiety they also managed to make me feel like a walking zombie. I wasn't really sure what feelings were anymore. And honestly, I'd rather never feel that completely devoid of emotion again. I'd rather be sad then nothing. It wasn't kosher. Didn't really say a lot about it when it happened. What with the stigma that is attached to a lot of mental illnesses and all. I decided to protect myself instead of trusting the people around me. Which makes absolutely no sense because the people around me are ten kinds of awesome. The few that did know supported me in anyway they could, and I don't really think that I've told them how much I really appreciated it.

Met someone in March right during the thick my depression. He was good for me made me remember that there are moments of joy in the world. It wasn't to last and we broke up after not quite a month. Started my practicum at probably my favourite place to date. The staff, kids and people were awesome. I learned a lot. I even got to work with several special needs children. It was awesome, and completely fulfilling. I've never seen a child that was just that in love with life as the one little boy was. He had his hard days but they didn't phase him. He was still just there in the moment. Kinda makes me wish that I was able to do that more. I even went back and worked there during the summer. Which is huge for me because it meant that I had to quit my other job at another daycare. I wasn't sure if it was the right choice at the time. I don't like change (it cause emotional upheaval. I avoid that because it generally triggers anxiety and depression. Not fun.) And while the emotional upheaval was there, and I didn't get a little anxious, all it all it was the right decision. It was a whole new ball game and I had a lot more responsibility but it was worth it.

After all was said and done I went back to school. In the misted of losing two friend to the world, Sam to England and Care to Japan, I went back with a heavier heart then normal but looking forward to the last year. (That's right I graduate in April!!!) Another friend had battled cancer through the summer and we spent a lot of time together. He told us that he was in remission but it came back. And while I let him dump on me I slipped in school. I missed a solid two weeks of class because while I helped him deal with what was happening I had to deal with what was happening and I just wasn't able to do that while I was in school. My marks suffered (that'll happen when your participation mark is worth more then a major project) but nothing that I can't fix this semester. I just have to show up and be able to participate, I think I can do that. I went into practicum still in funk and it didn't help where my placement was. I wouldn't change it for the world. I learned more about myself during those 5 weeks then in the last five years. Being in that environment will do that I suppose. But I don't think that I am cut out for crisis work. My instructor thinks I am, and she says that I shouldn't give up on it so easy, especially considering my own situation, but I just don't know. I think that I'm too empathetic for it. I too easily take the world's problems on my shoulders. And really... I have enough of my own and other people's without taking on the problems of women there. It drags.

I took time off from Dec 11 until Jan 7 when I will have to go back to school... It was good. Spent time on the farm... caught up on my doing absolutely nothing and with my parents and grandparents. Finished Care's afghan of doom. I won't tell you the trouble I had finishing it... but let's just say that I did a little dance when I found the yarn I needed. Otherwise the trip home was glorious. Came back to the city for hangouts and good times with the friendly type people. (You know who you are!) Went home for Christmas. It was good. I didn't stay long... only three days. Back to the city for more hangouts and good times with the peoples. And it is now a few odd days before I return to the schooling... Well here's to the new year. Here's hoping that it is no worse than last!

A Pursual of the Mind

2007-12-22T02:42:00.001-07:00

I was having a conversation with a friend and he seemed astonished that he was actually dating someone. Kinda like a Holy fuck-me-sideways Batman instant. I don't know why. He's an amazing person. But this is really not the point of this post. The point of this post is for me to bitch on about my so-called romantic/love life. That is if I can be considered to have one.

It isn't for lack of offers that I am single. Especially in the last year. I just don't get it. I went from having No-one and his reject of a dog, Piss Off, being the only people that wanna date me to actually having real, not made up people ask me out. It was kind of an exciting year for me. But I just don't get it. I don't know where it came from. I was so used to what was normal that the change was almost not welcomed with open arms. Wait... scratch that. It wasn't met with opened arms. I welcomed that particular change the same way that I meet every change. I balked at the opportunities presented, turned tail and went to find the nearest hiding place to stand and scream at said changes! "You will not change me!!" (I don't do so well with the change.)

So here I sit at Christmas time again, and I am single again. Not for lack of offers this time, but because I managed to convince myself that a relationship will be more work than I am able to commit to one person. I tell myself that I do not have time to create a solid basis that forms the beginning of a relationship. I mean I have school and friends. What do I, Bobbi, need a man for? Why do I need a boyfriend to feel like life is complete?

I don't...

I don't think I do anyways.

Maybe.

Whatever it is... It would be nice to be included in the game sometimes. Maybe it's time to stop standing in the corner covering my ears and screaming. It's not really getting me anywhere anyways. All I get is a horse voice and someone who know thinks I'm a bone-ified wack job instead of that hottie I was five seconds ago. Hmm...

But what would the benefit be? I maybe get a to experience the wonderful funtimes joy of having a boyfriend! *squee* Joyous! (Umm... that wasn't at all sarcastic... not at all. I mean... yah.) Along with that I have to expose myself to a whole new person, make myself vulnerable and all that jazz. I don't do vulnerable. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, thought about the therapy.

It's not as if there aren't good things about being involved in a relationship. It's just that I don't really remember them, or really have had the benefit of experiencing them. My relationship have all been pathetically short. My longest relationship was a whopping two months in grade 11 with a juvenile delinquent, the next sitting pretty at a month and there we stand. I just don't do relationships, though I'm getting really good at this fling thing. I kinda like the fling. I get to have some quality funtimes between the sheets and then get ride of the person when I tire of them. (Yes, I'm a user. Didn't see that coming did you?) And I do, tire of them. It's like no one has the ability to hold my interest for long, minus one or two people in the past. Even the people that I crush on switch at an alarming rate. Thought right now I couldn't pick someone that I could be crushing on if I tried, which is weird. I have had a crush on someone or other since I was in grade 6.

My first crush was on this guy named Brad Banyard. We took taekwondo classes together. I'm sure that my crush on him started earlier then I remember. I crush on him hard for awhile, a long old while. I was Mrs. Bobbie Jean Banyard in my head. It was a full on super crush. You know the fun part... he was crushing right back. Apparently our parents had a field day watching us be all cute and innocent and full of angst. My mom and Terry (his dad) figured that they would be in-laws. Such is life in small towns. But it was not to be. Brad moved to Red Deer sometime during my grade 8/9 years and I found a new crush. I don't remember for sure who it was but I'm almost positive it was an older brother of a good friend of mine. I still have a mini-crush on him. I always will. I mean really... he was like a taller (not my much) Seth Green with dark hair.

That was my first crush where I really knew what I wanted, what that funny feeling meant. In fact I was still kinda crushing him when I started dating my first boyfriend. I remember thinking when he kissed that I wished it was my crush, Adam, b/c then I would finally get to feel what his lip ring would be like against my own lips. He had a great lip ring, actually I think it was a horse-shoe, and it had a blood red jewel in it. Either way it was incredibly hot and my boyfriend at the time was incredibly not all pierced. I was 16. Needless to say that relationship lasted less than two weeks and it was a good thing. Sean wasn't a bad guy, but he just wasn't attractive to me, and he was and is a good looking person. He's just a little too straight-laced for my tastes. Around the same time I started crushing on another older brother... and another Banyard. Apparently those Banyard boys were my style. Dan. There was also Darren... and my second boyfriend. I also still crush on him a bit for completely other reasons.

Scott was good to me. By him I was already aware of the fact that I was more than a little of a sexual person. Apparently high school girls are supposed to hold out, and more boys wait. Or so that is the impression that I got my several of my friends when they learned that Scott and I had barely been dating two weeks and were already doing more then they were in their own relationships. In fact, I got a lecture from one girl, Heidi, about how that wasn't appropriate and I shouldn't just give myself away like that. I told her that I would pretty much do as I wanted and that what Scott and I were doing was none of her business. I was a lot more polite those days so I'm sure that I was very nice about it. And really... I've tried. I mean really tried to not jump right into a sexual relationship with someone. Do the whole try and get to know them first routine. It doesn't work for me. For someone who can separate sex and emotion as well as I can you think that it would be easy. But it's almost as if I am not capable of forming the emotional bond without sex. Well not sex in a traditional sense. Expand your definitions people.

Anywhoozle... I don't know where this was going, or where it is going anymore and I have things to see and people to do. Or is that the other way 'round. I don't know... I always get it confused. ;)

There are only two sides to every coin...

2007-12-21T11:18:00.001-07:00

... but there's still the metal in between.

I was re-reading one of my fanfics today, actually just moments ago. I didn't even finish the chapter, which is pretty much a bloody miracle! And I was struck what one of the characters said:

"There are only two sides to every coin"

But then I immediately thought, "But what about the metal between the sides? Doesn't it count for everything?" I mean the idea that there are only two sides to every story is a very black and white concept. It's a true/false situation and the world does not function as a dichotomy. There is too much in between, there is too much metal. Every situation had several outcomes and choices depending on who you are and what you believe. Sometimes the choice is obvious, sometimes the choice is clouded and difficult. But every situation has multiple outcomes, where we recognise them or not.

I think that the worst thing to come out of Christianity is that too many people are naive in their belief that everything is either one or the other. That the world is broken down into good and bad. If you are a good Christian you get to go to Heaven. If you are bad you are going to Hell. But then we delve into what does it mean to be a good Christian? Who's right? Who's wrong? And even then we can move into other religions. Christianity is founded in Judaism. Who's better there? The only real difference is that Christians are just Jews that believe Jesus was their messiah. Then we can delve into Islam. I will openly admit that my understanding of Islam is definitely lacking, so please correct me if I am wrong. My limited understanding is that Islamics believe that Muhammad is their prophet and that according to him the Christians royally screwed up Jesus' message and teachings and they are following Muhammad's correct interpretation of it.

So there we have it. Three of the major religions of the world all based on a dichotomy of Good vs. Evil. But as I see they all fail or neglect to take one thing into consideration. Satan, Lucifer, the Devil, the Morning Star, Iblis; the list goes on for he has many names. Each religion has him but they all fail in the same aspect. GOD CREATED EVERYTHING! Even the so-called personification of evil himself. In fact he was one of God's angels, which is where he got the name Lucifer. Some traditions say that he was highest angel created first and that he protected the other angels from God's mighty glory. But he became prideful and believed that he should be worshipped like God, or as God. So he tried to convince the other angels that he should be worshipped, and apparently 1/3 of them thought he was pro-star. Glory be!! So God with his "infinite love for his children" tossed the trouble maker out of heaven after a war where Lucifer tried to take God's throne. (This is where we get the morning star reference.)

But really... what we have here is that God made evil. My point? I have one I promise. There is no dichotomy. If God were infallible and all good, he wouldn't have been able to create evil and life would be all peachy keen. God obviously has the capacity for evil and wrong doing. This makes perfect sense when you realise that God was made in our image and not the other way around. All people have the capacity for both good and evil in them and that is why everything happens in shades of grey. Spectra people! Spectra!

So I managed to take something very mundane and turn it into a rant about religion. Go me! I think I turn anything into a rant about religion. It's my favourite thing to rant about. I could really get into it. This statement has some pretty awesome connotations that I could go on about:

This makes perfect sense when you realise that God was made in our image and not the other way around.

Yah... that would be fun.

Stay tuned for more awesome off the wall religious rants from everyone's favourite Wiccan/Thelamist. Who knows what that means? Wha-hahaha! I'll never tell. So there.. I ended on a silly note. Go me.

My Little Obsession...

2007-12-16T19:16:00.001-07:00

So I've come to the conclusion that Johnny Depp is the only person alive that can make smoking look smexy. And only in this portrait. Every time I see this one of him I just want to... well... maybe I shouldn't be saying that out loud. Anyways, here's to my little obsession that started when I first watched Edward Scissorhands.

Creative Writing to the New Extreme...

2007-12-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

So... I did not write this. I just thought that I would share it all with you. Someone from my forum wrote it. I'm in love...

As he finished gently connecting the dual SATA hard drives, he tenderly ran his fingers across the cooling system. His eyes hungrily devoured the dizzying curves of the CPU fan/heatsink assemblage, and he felt a terrible urge run up his spine and down to his trembling hands.

Tenderly he slid the ATX sidepanel into place, took a firm grip on the thumbscrews, and drove them home with the swift precision of a practiced overclocker. The case gleamed in the red rays of sunset drifting through the open window, and he knew it was now or never.

He took the plug and felt it's girth and pleasing heft. This unassuming device had always served him faithfully, channeling hundreds of watts of electricity into his power supply, often for days at a time. After a moment's hesitation he plunged it into the socket with a satisfying jiggle. At the same instant, he deftly reached over and applied a firm and steady pressure to the on-switch.

Instantly he had a reaction, as gentle humming and murmuring crowded his ears, reverberating from deep within the machine before him. The monitor flickered, bright and gleaming, as the optical mouse quietly pulsed red in his grip. He proceeded slowly, allowing the processor to warm up, the OS to fully actualize, and only when things were just starting to idle did he open up the throttle.

He opened the DVD tray and slid the cool circular disk into it's yearning cavity, opting to close the bay manually with his hand instead of pressing the actual button. New visions flashed within the depths of the monitor, the stars in all their splendor, the infinite expanse of space.

With a shudder he took his joystick into his sweaty palm and could not let go. With every jerk and strain of force-feedback, his nerves tingled, but he couldn't stop now. He was half-way through the mission, and he would be damned if he didn't finish. After all, he'd paid good money for this rare copy of Privateer 2, and those colonists starving of famine two star systems away needed this shipment of supplies badly.

He fired his last missile at the lead pirate closing in on his vessel. It struck home with viscious force, seeming to tear reality itself apart in a moment of pure intensity, sending shockwaves into the farthest reaches of space. He shuddered, and then relaxed, sighing with supreme satisfaction. The other pirate vessels veered off, and he let his tired hand drop from the now still joystick. He'd have to upgrade his main guns at the next spaceport, but for now he let the sweet embrace of exhaustion over power him as he readied the jump drive for his next encounter.

~Dune~

There ya go. Awesome to a whole new level of awesome. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Just to re-iterate... I did not write this. I only wish that I was talented enough to come up with something like this. This was written by a a fellow who goes by the handle DuneWalker. Tres Heart.

Fundraiser: Let's Send Bobbi to Vancouver

2007-12-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

Alanis Morisette is coming to Vancouver... with Matchbox Twenty but I couldn't care less about them.

So I have fund raising to send me to see her. The total price without accommodations is 573.14$. Gah! And I would still need to find a place to stay overnight on the day of the concert. But it is only one night and I'm sure that I can find a nice cheap place. Not to mention how on Earth I am going to get to GM Place. I hear cabs are very expensive.

I hope you all understand my need to go see this woman live and in concert. Alanis is my god.

Just in case you all think that I'm serious... I'm not... well not completely. It'd be nice but I don't see it happening. *sniff*